Why do people have to say things like that?

[Belle22]

I just got off the phone with my step-mother. We are pretty close and I decided to tell her about my surgery. One reason is because she loves to cook. No one in her family has ever been overweight. She cooks healthy meals and always a dessert too. The first time I told her I swore her to secrecy and I believe my secret will be safe. I told her that one of the reasons I was telling her is that I won't be eating the usual things while recovering from surgery. I joking told her not to invite me over for fried foods and pie. She would never cook like that anyway, but I know she will be careful what she serves. She will cook with lean protein when I'm there and not make a big deal if I am not eating.

Tonight she called me and wanted to be updated about what I am having done, and when my surgery is. I explained in detail how the sleeve worked. She asked me what I expected to accomplish with this surgery! WTF! She didn't say it in a nasty way at all, she just wanted to know where I will be down the line. Later in the conversation she said that she is just worried that I will lose weight and gain it back....that would be awful. I proceeded to tell her how prejudice people are about obesity. I gave her the example of coming to dinner, putting on my best clothes and makeup, when in truth I was a drug addict or alcoholic. In that case, no one would be talking about me because those things you can hide for quite some time. Additionally, you wouldn't send someone to drug or alcohol rehab and say I sure hope you don't start drinking and drugging again like you have before. I weigh 230 pounds at 5'6" and I feel like my family things I'm an elephant. What makes the difference anyway. We are all longing for a healthy enjoyable life. We want to live "IN" our lives. It just hurt my feelings. I want to tell people so I'm not being gossiped about but I know they will gossip no matter what. I just don't want to be the poster child for failed weight loss surgery. We need people to support us, not doubt we can make this a lifetime thing. I know that it isn't a fix. It is a tool that will help me not be hungry. Some people just don't get it. The ironic part about it is that her son has had very severe alcohol and drug problems for years. Her sister's husband who has his doctorate and been president of two different colleges was a closet alcoholic. He got fired from his last university job because he came up missing for two weeks. No one talks about that with shame. It was just a kick in the gut for me. She said it was too bad people can't just eat normal portions of food.
I was disappointed and hurt. My nut told me that I shouldn't keep it a secret. I should be proud about my journey to a new healthy lifestyle. In essence, he is correct. I might get there sometime but I am just keeping it to a couple close friends right now. Too bad people shame us like they do.

[didi100]

I'm sorry your step mom had this kind of reaction.

Good for you for taking this brave step to change your life. I had surgery 6 weeks ago and have lost 33lbs. It isn't a magic pill, there is a lot of work involved, but for the first time in a long time I feel like I am in control and I can do this. And you can too.

Please stay active on this forum. You will see there are lots of people here to support you -- both newbies and people who have lost a lot of weight and kept it off. I still have a long way to go and have my eye on looking great next spring. I bet you will look great then too!

[Belle22]

The thing that made it worse is that I sat down with her 2 months ago and explained all of this. I felt like it was kind of out of the blue, since it had all been discussed. She agreed to support me emotionally. I suppose everyone on this forum has similar experiences. It is hard enough for us to believe in ourselves at times, we don't need people doubting us. I know I have made the right decision.

[cathbas]

Consider the source..she might be a nice woman..but there are always those kind of people that you just dont know what they will say..
sorry you went thru this..but you tell her that you need her support and not to discuss this anymore with you..end of story..she might be worried about you..and especially because she doesnt understand it..but you just keep on walking..one foot in front of the other..you will do this and you will show her!

[MrsSize4]

Girl this surgery is about you! Not ANYONE else. People are going to judge. When I share my experience I state, "I am telling you because you are friend and I like to be honest with my friends, but I did this for me and please respect my decision" In other words, if you have something to say, keep it to yourself because I DON'T CARE. I don't like to lie to my friend as to why I am losing weight or cover up why I am eating so little. However, I made peace that people just don't understand, just like I don't understand drug addicts. To me is like, "why start doing drugs in the first place" see easy for me to judge. Its the same concept.

Love you honey! Best of luck to you. By the way, I LOVE my new stomach! Thank you God for giving me this gift!

[Mammak]

I've had similar experiences, I don't understand why all the negatives? I've had gallbladder removal, hernia repair, appendectomy & 3 c-sections, no one batted an eye, but you tell them you're having weight-loss surgery & suddenly everyone thinks you're doing something bad & they all know "someone" who almost died having it, etc. it's very frustrating. But we're all here to support each other & im very grateful for it.

[BigJ]

I feel your pain and want to tell you that only someone who has had to deal with with this most uncomfortable disease "Obesity" knows how much pain and suffering we go thew. If someone who has never had the experience of the Yo-Yo effect of dieting their whole life says that they do, they are just trying to be "understanding". However they just don't get it. Most people that have good metabolism think that everyone should and can be like them without any help from a medical procedure. I was very unhappy at 367 pounds, just look at my before and after pics, I got the sleeve and now after 107 pounds and shrinking I can honestly say I am happy. What you are doing will help you feel great and teach you how to maintain a healthy lifestyle like so many of us here on the forum. Welcome to the start of your new way of life.

[Ann2]

Yeah, your NUT is wrong.

Every person's situation (family, work, life, challenges, personalities, etc.) are so unique to themselves. Any NUT who tells you that you should be proud of WLS and become a WLS missionary just needs to STFU.

You should do what YOU feel is best for you, not what a nutritionist (who should be focusing on nutritional information, not on family dynamics -- that's not his training /strength at all) imagines would be best for him in his situation.

For the record, I told only my husband and two very close friends who each live 1,000 miles from me -- in opposite directions. No one else knows. And I don't intend to tell anyone else I know. WLS was only about me making decisions and taking action to restore my own health. It was not about trying to persuade others to agree with my decisions.

[Rayer]

I too haven't told many folks either. I don't want to hear all the negatives and I surely don't want them to know I had it, and then, God forbid, I gain it all back. I've failed at so many other diets before and I don't want to fail at this.
Best of luck to you!!

[Kodi's Mom]

I guess I'm at the other spectrum of disclosure in most part to my husband. I didn't want anyone to know. I was afraid it wouldn't work for me. I was afraid of me failing AGAIN. I was a professional dieter----from the ripe old age of 13. My own sister had had RNY and did not follow the guidelines and had regained all of her lost weight. I didn't want people to see me as failing again.
But my husband was so proud of me for taking this step in trying to get healthy he told everyone---people he knew at work, people we both knew, etc.
I don't know why but no one ever said anything negative to my face. (I'm sure some said plenty behind my back.) They either have said nothing or they have been positive and supportive.
As for your NUT, maybe he's not trying to get you to be the poster child of WLS. Maybe he's trying to get you to see it as a positive. Maybe he's trying to get you to see this as a positive step to getting healthy. Maybe he's trying to get you to see it's not a last ditch effort, as something to be ashamed of, but as something you don't have to hide.
As for your MIL, if she's never had a weight problem or any addiction problem personally, then, no she will not understand completely. She may grasp the concept intellectually but not at the gut level. She may not know that for people who suffer this addiction that sugar lights up the same center of the brain that alcohol and cocaine effect. The only difference, we still have to eat to live.
Maybe, after digesting your news, your MIL had questions and concerns. After all it is major, elective surgery. If you are the first person to have the surgery that she knows, she is worried. Maybe the discussion came out of her concern, confusion, lack of knowledge? Yes, maybe, the questions came out wrong or with a seemingly non-supportive tone, but maybe she just needs you to explain so that she understands better?
I just know that if I were self-doubting, or ashamed, or self-questioning of my decision, I could be reading my own emotions, feelings etc, instead of the actual intent.

[Joe Poppa]

There is a chorus in a song "Garden Party", not that I am a fan of Ricky Nelson, but the lyrics strike a chord (pun intended).

An' it's all right now, yeah, learned my lesson well
You see, ya can't please everyone, so you got to please yourself"

(That isn't intended to be raunchy).

You are doing this for you and your loved ones, too bad for whoever isn't on board fully with it.
Congratulations on your upcoming surgery in a few days.

PS. I have a MIL (more like a "Mother Outlaw") who didn't even have the decency to send me a get well card or even call after I was hospitalized for 2 weeks for a major infection or even mentioned to me congratulations on my WLS.

[Belle22]

I've always love those lyrics and use them often. Sorry to say but your MIL probably thinks you brought in on yourself because you opted for an elective surgery. F#@%^it and remember, you are doing it for her. You usually can't please mother in-laws anyway. I feel your pain though. People can be real jerks about this surgery. Sometimes I think they are envious. Is she overweight?

[Joe Poppa]

I've always love those lyrics and use them often. Sorry to say but your MIL probably thinks you brought in on yourself because you opted for an elective surgery. F#@%^it and remember, you are doing it for her. You usually can't please mother in-laws anyway. I feel your pain though. People can be real jerks about this surgery. Sometimes I think they are envious. Is she overweight?

No, she is thin but she looks down at overweight people. I barely knew her and she was complaining about how her sister looked "Did you see how fat she is" to my wife (then, fiancee) while I was sitting there. She also had bypass surgery but continues to smoke (thankfully less now) because she doesn't want to gain weight.

Luckily she lives pretty far away. I kind of feel bad for people like my MIL, they don't see the inner beauty in people only superficial things like their physical attributes and wealth.


On Tuesday, the Belle22 Phoenix is going to be reborn. You will be one of the many success stories.

[bikrchk]

Good for you for taking steps to get healthy and as for your Step... her uneducated opinion is none of your business! If you care for her, you may choose to try and educate her, but you are doing what you and your doc have decided is best for YOUR health. I've chosen to be very honest with folks, even folks who are newly in my life and don't have to be told, if I think the education can make a difference. I don't expect everyone to agree with me or understand my decision and I really don't give a rat's a$$ about their opinion if they're not on my side in this battle for my health.

There's been a lot in the news lately about obesity being innately incurable... "The chance of an obese person attaining normal body weight is one in 210 for men and one in 124 for women, increasing to one in 1,290 for men and one in 677 for women with severe obesity, the findings showed." http://omnifeed.com/article/www.busi...1900165_1.html. That is one article, but I've seen lots in the news lately in the same vein.

The above was exactly my experience before the sleeve, like so many of us, I'd take off a little or as much as half of what I needed to lose, only to rebound with interest. Since the sleeve I feel like I have a fighting chance at maintaining my weight loss. This is the longest I've maintained a healthy weight since I was about 8 years old. Has it killed all my old habits? BIG Nope! I eat bread, pasta, desert and drink alcohol sometimes! But I can no longer over eat. Period. And that helps me back on track if start to slide too far. If I slip too far over the edge it makes me sick and I'm not likely to repeat that behavior again soon, (unlike before where that cycle would just perpetuate and intensify). For the most part today I eat what I like in small quantities, protein first. I'm active like never before. They don't mention WLS in realtion to the findings above, but for me at least, the sleeve has been the "shock collar" I need to re-direct my behavior when I head off in the wrong direction. It has been a true blessing to be free from the control food had over my life.

[Ann2]

Thank you, bikrchk for posting the link to that study.

I copied the relevant portion of your post into a new thread here. The new study's findings are horrific! I look forward to the researchers' future study report about the long-term success of WLS.