3 more days....
by, 01-08-2017 at 11:46 AM (417 Views)
Took my pre-op laxative this morning when I got up, and am officially on my 3 days of clear liquids stage.
Decided it was past time to take my 'before' pictures last night. I cried. Just SEEING myself from the back... I ... don't have words for it really. I was dismayed, to say the least, at the way I look. I could even go so far as to say I was disgusted with myself, momentarily.
You see, I had given up on caring about being healthy or trying to lose weight about a year and a half ago. What happened? I remember the exact moment I gave up.
I was living in North Texas, and I had put on about 40 pounds over the previous 2 or 3 years ish. I realized that I needed help. I finally came to the end of my list of things I could do to help myself, and nothing had helped. It's really hard for me, personality wise, to admit I need help. So, I knew I needed help and spent lots of time researching medical and surgical options. I knew I would benefit most from surgery, and specifically knew the VSG was best suited to my particular issues with weight loss.
So, I contacted my insurance. Our policy specifically excludes any weight loss surgery for any reason. Great. So, I looked into private pay. There was a place about an hour from my house (no small feat when you live in a small town in North Texas) that had a reasonable price and assuming I had a hiatal hernia (so my insurance would cover everything but the charge to do the VSG itself) would only charge me $7k. Hell of a deal! So I started to get excited. And then I realized how bad my credit score had gotten, and how I had no savings at all at that point... and no 'extra' monthly income either (was a rough period financially for our household). So, I wracked my brain trying to figure out a way to finance or afford this life saving surgery. Naturally, I called my only living relative. My mother.
She very quickly, without thought, informed me that she and her husband had an agreement not to help out either of their children financially (his son, and her daughter; me) and she could not help me. I was stunned. I literally was speechless. She hung up. Very awkward and jarring emotionally.
I sat there with my phone in my hand, staring at it and couldn't stop myself from the realization that my Mother didn't even care enough about my life and health to stop and consider if there was some way she could help me. I felt, and still feel actually, like I didn't matter to her at all. (It's a LONG story, but I'll make it brief by saying my Mother and I no longer have a relationship at all; and not because of this incident. The end of our interactions was due to MANY other incidents.)
If I didn't matter to my own mother why should I try to live? Why should I put in soo much effort to get healthy? If my mother didn't feel I was worth helping then the world would be better off without me and I would just let my body go on it's obviously desire course of suicide via food. Slow, but steady. (As a side note: my son had just graduated high school and moved out of the house, back to Seattle and I was experiencing feelings of uselessness, etc. already)
It took me a year and a half to really get over the feeling of unworthiness to live. But I did. I feel I deserve the space I take up on this planet now. And I have my son Brendan to thank for that. Truly. I also spent a year working on my credit score little by little so I could finance my surgery.
So, now. Here I am. 3 days pre-op and about to change and save my life. And I am feeling SOO many feelings at once I don't even know how to articulate them all. Happy. Nervous. Hopeful. Anxious. Worthy. Scared. and still... a small piece of me doesn't feel 'worth' the 8k this will end up costing by the end of paying off the loan. I have to CONSCIOUSLY remind myself that yes, I AM worth this. I am a good person, a terrific friend, a wonderful Mom. I have given all I have, every time, to those I love who were in need of anything I could give. And it's my turn to give to myself.
wow... I really didn't intend this to be a pouring out of all of my inner crap, but hopefully someone will read it and it will help them feel less alone.
I am ready. Ready to work. Ready to play. Ready to lose. And Ready to win!