Feeling Guilty About Having Sleeve Surgery

[The_Redhead]

Hope you don't mind me spilling my guts here but I don't know who else to turn to, to talk about this and it's really eating me up.

I'm scheduled for sleeve surgery in Mexico on November 5th. I've got all the money ready to go to pay for it. Then our diesel truck broke down. It's the only vehicle we have and we need our truck. A car wouldn't fit into our needs. Hubby called the diesel repair place and they suggested what it might be and estimated $5,500 to fix. We don't have that kind of spare change lying around so hubby borrowed the money from his mom. He (and I) hate borrowing from her because we're in our 50's and shouldn't need to do that and also because she read the riot act when he asked to borrow it. Keep in mind we NEVER borrow from her but his sister and brothers have. She does have the money by the way. Anyway... he borrowed $6,000 thinking of little things that might come up with it. Well, the service garage did the diagnostic checks on the truck and found several things wrong. They have to remove the cab to do all the repairs. Repairs will take almost 2 weeks and the bill just went up to $9,000!!!! Hubby and I are sick over the bill. We are both out of previous divorces and starting over in this relationship with mortgage costs and his child support payments still going on. Although we both have good jobs we just don't have a lot of spare cash.

Anyway... hubby says he will cash in all his vacation pay and 'hopefully' there will be enough to pay the extra $3,000. I'm feeling horrible. Hubby has been working his butt off at work and hasn't had a holiday in over 2 years. We had planned on going on a cruise for New Year's eve but we cancelled it because we couldn't come up with the money. Now hubby is going to cash in any vacation time he might get and that will mean it will be at least 3 years before he gets time off. He's working like a mad man right now and I'm getting worried for his health.

I'm going to spend $5,000 on a surgery (that I really know I need because the weight is really affecting my health as well), but I'm not feeling good about this. I'm thinking I should cancel everything and use the money to pay for the truck.

My dilemma... do I have the surgery even though I feel guilty about it or should I cancel it all and use the money to pay for the truck repairs so hubby can at least take some time off work? Any comments...PLEASE?

[Readytobethin@51]

So sorry this is all happening to you. Have you asked your hubby how he feels about it? We all could give you advice or tell you what we would do, but ultimately it boils down to what you and your hubby are comfortable with doing. Hope it all works out for you. :-)

[NancyN]

I feel for you. Really I do. We are also on a really tight budget and if something major were to happen we'd be screwed. But, I still take unpaid days off work for all my appointments, and will not be getting paid while I'm off post-op. This is more important. If you've saved the money for the surgery, it's pretty likely that if you weren't planning on surgery you wouldn't have saved it, right? So you'd still be in the same position when the truck broke down. (How old is it? My hubby does the same thing with his 2000 excursion diesel, even though it's really not worth pouring more money into). What if it was gallbladder or heart surgery? Would you cancel that for the truck? Probably not. I have to think you want the surgery for more than cosmetic reasons, so don't you think your health and the rest of your life is worth some vacation time? And maybe what you save on groceries over the next three years will be enough to pay for a nice cruise!

[The_Redhead]

No, I haven't talked to my hubby about it yet. I really, really want this surgery... and I really need it. If I make the offer to him for the money he probably will accept it, even to pay back his money so he can feel a little less guilty about borrowing it from her. I'm not so sure I'm ready to give up on my dream yet. ...I'm pretty depressed about this whole thing.

[niamh]

I'm sorry to hear about your money woes. I think your health is of massive importance. It doesn't sound like your husband is asking you to give it up, so I think you shouldn't. I would hold a yard sale and sell every single little thing I could think of selling before giving up on the surgery. Good luck - I hope you can find a solution.

[The_Redhead]

I feel for you. Really I do. We are also on a really tight budget and if something major were to happen we'd be screwed. But, I still take unpaid days off work for all my appointments, and will not be getting paid while I'm off post-op. This is more important. If you've saved the money for the surgery, it's pretty likely that if you weren't planning on surgery you wouldn't have saved it, right? So you'd still be in the same position when the truck broke down. (How old is it? My hubby does the same thing with his 2000 excursion diesel, even though it's really not worth pouring more money into). What if it was gallbladder or heart surgery? Would you cancel that for the truck? Probably not. I have to think you want the surgery for more than cosmetic reasons, so don't you think your health and the rest of your life is worth some vacation time? And maybe what you save on groceries over the next three years will be enough to pay for a nice cruise!

Thanks Nancy. All good points to consider. Luckily while I'm off work recovering from surgery my work medical plan will cover my pay, so I don't have to worry about taking more money out of our budget. The truck repairs are necessary. We couldn't replace the truck with like-quality for $9,000 and really without the repairs it's not worth it to sell it.

[The_Redhead]

I'm sorry to hear about your money woes. I think your health is of massive importance. It doesn't sound like your husband is asking you to give it up, so I think you shouldn't. I would hold a yard sale and sell every single little thing I could think of selling before giving up on the surgery. Good luck - I hope you can find a solution.

You're right... hubby hasn't asked me to give it up. He knows this means a lot to me. A yard sale is not a bad idea. I'm not sure what I might sell but I'm going to consider it. Thanks.

[lighterlori'slovelylife]

That's a tough one. In my opinion your health is most important however and will affect all aspects of your life. It is a life changing experience. I would try to find another way with the truck situation. Is there anyway you could barter with the repair shop?

[StacyD]

Hi Red. Ohhhhh dear In the past I would feel much like you feel. Money is tight here as well but and its a but that's bigger than my own.... I think that EVERYTHING has a way of working itself out. Children grown up.....husbands work and work......trucks will get repaired.....and you must sit and say to yourself if I do not do this surgery what will my quality of life be 3 years from now? If you aren't around what good is it all going to be anyway.
Women are just not selfish creatures. I know I am not. It took me a lot of time and thought to decide to take care of me for a change. Monies on co pays add up really quickly. I also know if I do not take care of my weight now - I'm not going to last another 20 years.
Talk to your husband. Look in his eyes and you will know.
You're in my thoughts. Keep us posted on how things go.

[healthier86]

You should really discuss this with your husband. Good luck with whatever decision you make.

[Gigi's best]

Do you have any retirement you can borrow from? You could borrow the $5k from your 401K and pay it back over the next 3-5 years

[Michellemo]

I'm a single parent and I felt very guilty but I'm now such a better parent because I can and want to do so much more with my son. My business is better because I can work harder and faster. I feel so much more confident at work because I'm in the beauty industry and I look so much better now. I'm happier and healthier. My back has not hurt in the year since my surgery. I wish I had all the money back I spent on my back (MRI, adjustmens, pain meds) and the money I spent trying to get rid of a constant headache. Both problems are now gone. Plus I save so much money on food it's crazy. My sleeve surgery was so worth ever penny!

[saraoberlander]

I can't tell you what to do. You know in your heart the best way to handle this and what is right for your family right now.
I do know that if it was me, I would POSTPONE, not cancel the surgery due to unforeseen circumstances. You can always save the money again.
If you are not at complete peace with having this surgery for any reason don't do it right now. Even if the reason is financial.
Best wishes.

[The_Redhead]

Thanks everyone for your suggestions. I really appreciate all the advice.

Well, just had a chat with hubby about this whole thing. He says he doesn't want my surgery money and that we'll find a way to come up with the rest of the money for the truck. He's not sure how much is in his vacation pay but it should help out a fair amount. If need be he may have to go swallow his pride and go back to his mom.

I've decided I shouldn't feel guilty about this. Like StaceyD said, women are not selfish. When he needs something or my kids need something, I always put myself last and give to them. It just feels like the right thing to do. I go without a lot of things to make ends meet for us. He does too, but he's a smoker and if he was to quit smoking we'd save a whole lot more. I don't hold that over his head and I'm going to go ahead with my surgery and do my best to not feel guilty about it. ....how come I think that's easier said than done?

[saraoberlander]

I knew you could get the answer you needed. Now Take a deep breath and relax your hubby is behind you 100%. That's a huge plus. Go get it done and you will wonder why you even ????ed yourself.