An ode to Costco Pretzel Buns: Why I hate you

[bellinghamboy]

I race home to corral my ankle biters (3 and 5 year old boys). I am starving and three weeks out from surgery. Protein shake? Nah! See the always delicious pretzel buns on the counter top and totally forget that bread aint' for me - not that I decided that, but I was told by the nutritionist. I know I shouldn't have bread, and up until that moment I took the time to look at the dark brown, soft, heavenly delight, I had stuck by the no bread mantra. I grab a bun and go!
Race to get the kids in the car for a trip to McD's for their dinner and I scarf down that bun without a care. I am totally amazed that I am able to finish it. Holy crap! I can eat bread. Milliseconds from this thought digestive reality bears down on me with with waves of doubt that I may have bitten off more than I can chew.
I am salivating - not sure why - but I am doing it by the gallon. There's gotta be a market for this, I think. I could sell my saliva to those that have none! Getting up to highway speeds in the car, the kids are careless and screaming at the top of their lungs about transformers and superman and batman.
Waves of pain hit me. I am now stuck in traffic moaning. The older of my two tells me I need more medicine. I think to myself that he needs to shut his yapper and leave me alone. I am swallowing the unending flow of mouth yuck only to feel it add to my waves of stomach pain.
Panic enters my mind - the cacophony of child banter continues at volume 11. I am going to loose my mind!
I pull into McD's and get in the drive through line. Can I do this?, I think. I pull out, race across the parking lot, jump out of the car and yack up a salivary nightmare with what appears to be soft parts of a pretzel roll. This is my first time at throwing up with a newly reduced digestive system. Frankly it aint all that bad - but really any reverse-eating is not good.
I am able to get back on line, buy their happy meals and bring them home. I continue to get sick periodically for the next 45 minutes until the roll finally passes out of my stomach.
I come to the realization that my relationship with those rolls are now officially over. Late nights, me and my costco rolls, a little candle light, some Barry White tunes and bun to mouth intimacy is no longer to be had. Sad times.

[discoveringme]

This gave me a good chuckle :-) I am so sorry for the discomfort but your story is priceless and a good fair warning to all of us that loved our bread so much!!

[sleeve-me]

dont worry you will be able to eat bread again - just in moderation. either half toast or bread - but never two pieces put together. way way way too much. i have found inventive ways to eat sandwiches. a half sandwich open face with no topper. but remember i am 2 years out too at about a year that wont be an issue

[binalyn]

Thank you for a humorous spin on something we are all in danger of doing from time to time - eating without thought. I know now that bread and I...well, it will be a LONG time before I attempt it.

[jrenee63]

That was "PRICELESS", the way you described the event from beginning to end made me also chuckle and I had to finish to find out what horrible thing must have happened. We learn through trial and error, just like those children with you. Hopefully one burn gives a constant reminder "DON"T DO IT AGAIN...remember what happened the last time"

[tbminter]

You are too funny!!!! I had an issue today with the saliva. I thought I could eat some baby back ribs. I only took 1 rib. After eating it, the saliva came and filled up my throat and my mouth. I had no idea what was going on. I then ran to the restroom and up came clear mucus and lots of it. No ribs, just mucus. I am never eating ribs again!!

[ohrachel07]

This pretzel buns look so good every ff place is coming out with them! They will be no longer once I can even try one bite I'm sure haha!!

[Jen from Texas]

Loved your story - hope you are feeling better!

[jbuntingsr]

That is funny, I've had that experience.

[Devera]

Great fun read (at your expense), thanks for the vivid reminder to always think before we eat anything!

[Ladyinwaiting]

LMFAO... really needed comic relief, had a bad day. Don't get me wrong, I feel bad too. I think we;ve all been there in one degree or another..

[The_Redhead]

Your story made me laugh at your pain and agony. Sorry. ...but seriously, hope you're feeling better now and I appreciate the pretzel warning.

[buster_ks]

Those things are (were) freaking delicious.

[ms2tweet]

You are too funny. Loved reading that post. Sorry you got sick. I am 10 mnths out and still can't eat bread, salad or raw veggies. I tried each once, once was enough ! I learn fast .

[Gothikim]

Well bless your heart! I have/had a similar relationship with Popeye's biscuits. Just thinking about pounding one down makes me happy and mortified all at the same time. What I didn't know at the time was that about 25% of a Popeye's biscuit would turn to glue and get well and truly stuck about halfway down. OMG that hurt. No slimies, just pure unadulterated pain.

I'm sure it happens to all of us at some time, as we try new foods and old favorites...