Negativity, jealousy??? Or am I crazy???

[mlrisser]

I ask this question, BC my brothers wife has struggled with her weight for a long time too, she's big, but not big enough to qualify for surgery. I think she's TRYING to follow my diet, eating what I eat, etc., but I also feel like she's bringing me down because she keeps telling me it's easy for me BC I had the surgery. I'm losing weight and she's not. But, while I emphasize she's trying I know she's cheating when I'm not around. I know she has to be BC, if she'd reduced her calories to 1200 like she "shows" me on MFP then she'd have to have lost some weight by now, but in fact she's gained 2 pounds in the last week. She does NOT exercise ever and although I do not follow an exercise regimen I do go out and play some sport or another with my daughter 6 nights a week. Ie., soccer or baseball or chase... You get the idea... I'm active... She's not!

Sorry for the rant. I know I'm blessed BC I had the surgery, but I certainly wouldn't say it's been "easy" I've changed EVERYTHING

[HJS]

You are right she is trying to justify why she can't lose weight and we all know that even though we have had the surgery that its still a struggle and we still have temptations. If she followed everything you did she would lose weight too. Hang in there you are doing great and let her be jealous. lol

[Kimpossible318]

My older sister also struggles with her weight and is anti-weight loss surgery. We have had several discussions over the past few months as I've become active on this forum researching my procedure and she has said on many occasions that I'll be losing weight the easy way. I told her there is nothing easy about this (based on everything I've read on here), but I know I can't change her attitude. I have a feeling things will become pretty tense between us once I start dropping.

I wish people could just be happy for us and not try to compare or judge or downgrade what a sleeved person has to do to be successful.

Bottom line is that she is jealous and instead of dealing with her jealousy in a healthy manner (by actively doing her own thing to get in shape) it is easier for her to justify her lack of action by calling out your surgery. It's rude.

[Amber Like Woah]

Jealousy that is all!!!! She is probably frustrated because she would like the surgery but can not get it!!! Just keep your head up and know you are doing for you and the right reasons.... The ones you listed, to be able to play ball with your daughter or to play chase!!!! Haters gonna hate!!!

[Firebreak]

Recently I took some time off work due to stress/depression. I told a trusted colleague that I felt defeated, that I wasn't able to deal with things, etc. (Sort of like taking the easy route, that's how I felt) He said it's the opposite, that I was brave for admitting that I needed help and that he was proud to see me take the necessary steps to get better.

It's exactly the same here, you're the brave one for making the decision you've made and seeking help. Your sister may never understand this and may always make "easy route" statements. Much the same as there are people in the workplace who will always say that people who take stress leave are just lazy and want time off. They just don't/won't understand.

I guess this applies more to Kim's situation than Monica's, but I think core of the issue is the same personally.

My advice is to not take it personally, some just don't understand, some are jealous, but for whatever reason their mind is closed on the topic, so there's not much point in arguing. Make the best of it and help them with their own situation if you can. Remember that they don't have the tool you have (yet) and that they may be feeling a lot of the feelings you felt at one point, before surgery. Even I have felt similar feelings about people who have lost weight when I couldn't. I guess today I just have a better perspective on this as a whole.

Chris

[niamh]

I don't know, I just feel sorry for her. I don't think it's about you, it's about her and how she feels about herself. Didn't we all have that feeling at some point where we were disappointed with ourselves for not being able to get our eating under control, or not being able to do more exercise? Didn't we all feel embarrassed with others who were thinner or who were successfully losing weight? Haven't we all been secretive at times about our eating?

I'm not saying her behaviour toward you is particularly ok, but I don't think it's about you, it's about her. I'd suggest you try and be compassionate about her situation, rather than judge her for not managing her eating and exercise (we were all there, remember).

And actually, I am absolutely up front about the fact that having had the surgery DOES make it easier for me to lose weight and control my eating (wouldn't have had it otherwise). But it wasn't easy coming to the decision, I'm proud of myself for coming to the point where I made that decision, and had the strength/bravery to carry through with it. But yes, it is much much easier to lose weight post-surgery than it was before.

Paradoxical intervention suggestion - agree with her that it's easier for you, and that you're so grateful that surgery has given you that gift. I suspect it would stop her in her tracks.

[girliegirl777]

I had to laugh when you pointed out that if she had followed a 1200 calorie a day diet she would have lost some weight. When I first went to see my surgeon, I told him that I generally eat pretty healthy and exercise. I actually really believe that I do! He said, "look, it's a simple math equation and what you are saying doesn't add up to why you are 100 pounds overweight." His comment really made me think about the lies we tell ourselves to help ease the pain of being overweight.

I like what firebreak had to say too about being brave and admitting that you need help. We have all tried many diets before and have been successful for a while, but the weight comes right back on. It's not like we are going in to have lipo and suck out 100 pounds or more of fat. We all have to fight for every pound lost, but hopefully the reduction of Gherlin and the earlier sensation of fullness will help us along.

Maybe you should just acknowledge you SIL's comments and suggest Lap Band surgery for her to see just how "easy" it is.

[releasenready]

Your response is exactly what she wants. Tell her she is responsible for her own feelings and actions and you are responsible for yours.

[mlrisser]

Thank you all for the input. I feel sorry for her too, I know she's miserable but I refuse to let her bring me down. I was brave and I did something about my misery. Maybe in her eyes it's the easy way out but I don't think there's anything easy about it. We still face struggles every day when we walk by a piece of cake etc., Thank you all so very very much for your positive reinforcement! IDK what I'd do without everyone here. I feel truly blessed!

[niamh]

There's a difference between saying that surgery is the easy way out, and that surgery makes it easy to lose weight. I disagree with the first statement, but I agree with the second. Your original post said that your S-I-L has said the second statement, not the first. You can agree with it being easy (or easier) to lose weight with the surgery, without suggesting that it's an easy route. Choosing to put yourself under the knife and the risks that go with it; choosing to sacrifice ever having a large meal again, and choosing to take a route which we know will bring judgement/criticism/misunderstanding from others - these are not easy things to do. But the surgery does make it easier to lose weight. We can't kid ourselves that's not the case. We wouldn't have had the surgery if it didn't make it easier to lose weight. I did it because it made something possible which I had found impossible before. I've tried to lose weight before, and I've never managed to lose nigh on 100lb in less than a year while not having to obsessively and constantly control myself into not eating. Deciding to have the surgery - bloody difficult. Losing weight once I had the surgery - easy. I'm not ashamed to admit it - I'm f***ing relieved!

[mlrisser]

There's a difference between saying that surgery is the easy way out, and that surgery makes it easy to lose weight. I disagree with the first statement, but I agree with the second. Your original post said that your S-I-L has said the second statement, not the first. You can agree with it being easy (or easier) to lose weight with the surgery, without suggesting that it's an easy route. Choosing to put yourself under the knife and the risks that go with it; choosing to sacrifice ever having a large meal again, and choosing to take a route which we know will bring judgement/criticism/misunderstanding from others - these are not easy things to do. But the surgery does make it easier to lose weight. We can't kid ourselves that's not the case. We wouldn't have had the surgery if it didn't make it easier to lose weight. I did it because it made something possible which I had found impossible before. I've tried to lose weight before, and I've never managed to lose nigh on 100lb in less than a year while not having to obsessively and constantly control myself into not eating. Deciding to have the surgery - bloody difficult. Losing weight once I had the surgery - easy. I'm not ashamed to admit it - I'm f***ing relieved!

Well said! I'm relieved as well and I can't think of a better thing I've ever done for myself!

[GA400]

I wish I could quote all the previous comments, but that would get pretty lengthy.

What a wonderful, candid, blunt (in a good way) group of folks here on the forum.

All I could think of when I read the original post was - Haters are gonna hate - yeah, I know that's trite, but seriously. She is jealous of your success and wishes she had your courage.

Your success speaks for itself. Her lack of success speaks for itself.

Losing weight is hard. Being fat is hard. Choose your hard. We all did She needs to step up - if you want something you have never had before, be prepared to do something you have never done before......

[ms2tweet]

I wish I could quote all the previous comments, but that would get pretty lengthy.

What a wonderful, candid, blunt (in a good way) group of folks here on the forum.

All I could think of when I read the original post was - Haters are gonna hate - yeah, I know that's trite, but seriously. She is jealous of your success and wishes she had your courage.

Your success speaks for itself. Her lack of success speaks for itself.

Losing weight is hard. Being fat is hard. Choose your hard. We all did She needs to step up - if you want something you have never had before, be prepared to do something you have never done before......

Preach it brotha !!!!!!

[ms2tweet]

Recently I took some time off work due to stress/depression. I told a trusted colleague that I felt defeated, that I wasn't able to deal with things, etc. (Sort of like taking the easy route, that's how I felt) He said it's the opposite, that I was brave for admitting that I needed help and that he was proud to see me take the necessary steps to get better.

It's exactly the same here, you're the brave one for making the decision you've made and seeking help. Your sister may never understand this and may always make "easy route" statements. Much the same as there are people in the workplace who will always say that people who take stress leave are just lazy and want time off. They just don't/won't understand.

I guess this applies more to Kim's situation than Monica's, but I think core of the issue is the same personally.

My advice is to not take it personally, some just don't understand, some are jealous, but for whatever reason their mind is closed on the topic, so there's not much point in arguing. Make the best of it and help them with their own situation if you can. Remember that they don't have the tool you have (yet) and that they may be feeling a lot of the feelings you felt at one point, before surgery. Even I have felt similar feelings about people who have lost weight when I couldn't. I guess today I just have a better perspective on this as a whole.

Chris

Good for you Chris, we all need a mental health break now and then. We all have people judging no matter what we do. Let's just get our happy butts and move on. I don't let people live rent free in my head. Negative be gone!

[ms2tweet]

I ask this question, BC my brothers wife has struggled with her weight for a long time too, she's big, but not big enough to qualify for surgery. I think she's TRYING to follow my diet, eating what I eat, etc., but I also feel like she's bringing me down because she keeps telling me it's easy for me BC I had the surgery. I'm losing weight and she's not. But, while I emphasize she's trying I know she's cheating when I'm not around. I know she has to be BC, if she'd reduced her calories to 1200 like she "shows" me on MFP then she'd have to have lost some weight by now, but in fact she's gained 2 pounds in the last week. She does NOT exercise ever and although I do not follow an exercise regimen I do go out and play some sport or another with my daughter 6 nights a week. Ie., soccer or baseball or chase... You get the idea... I'm active... She's not!

Sorry for the rant. I know I'm blessed BC I had the surgery, but I certainly wouldn't say it's been "easy" I've changed EVERYTHING

My dear sweet mom , has been on me about my weight forever I mean since I was 5. I had the surgery against her wishes, and now she calls me from the super market to tell me Little Debbie cakes are on sale, I said mom I don't eat that crap, she said but it' a sale. Some people will never get it.