Never thought I would be annoyed with "Skinny"

[divergal]

Congrats RX on your loss. I've lost a bit off my waist and kept my big boobs.....once I start running and working out the boobs will get smaller too. My plan/goal for getting the WLS is keeping it off and no more yo yo diets. I had all types of weight issues (fat cough, diabetes, high blood pressure, out of breath, tired all the time...etc) and they are all gone.....so when I get a comment "Don't lose to much weight you'll look sick"......I laugh and say Bless your heart, Thank you so much....see ya! They can't control the situation so they say stupid things like this....I was raised to be polite which means I know that it's rude to say anything about issues that are non of my business......
You are greatness.....

[Grace]

It's so touchy for people on both sides.
We tend to be over-reactive to any comment about our weight, because of years of pain due to it.
I had this surgery to get healthier. To live longer and move through life more easily with less physical pain.
I have no problem telling people about the surgery at all. To me it's like having a heart bypass. I needed a medical procedure to save my life and it did it.
Then/now I'm going the hard work that goes with it.
By telling pretty much anyone who asks, I hope I'm making it less of an issue for others like me. I'm proud to be at the forefront of a weight loss revolution.
I know that by having this attitude I am leaving myself open for the "now all you have to do is not gain it back" people.
I know that some will think I took the "easy" way out... (gets them an arched eyebrow and polite explanation of why that isn't true)
But overwhelmingly so far it's been people saying "good for you" and "you look great", and "do you have more info on that, my (insert loved one) is looking into surgery and I've never heard of the sleeve".
Also, I feel that telling people makes it less of a curiosity factor. When people don't know what you did to lose weight, you become someone they wonder about. Hmm, was it surgery? Cancer?(something psych said was a common presumption with hair loss and all) Did they do it alone, and will it come back next year? The human mind hates a void. You're a mystery. De-cloak and you're news for a minute and it's over with. What's best for me isn't whats best for all, certainly.
Now for how people interact re: weight loss....
Do they compliment you or leave it be? How do you compliment someone correctly after weight loss? I'm in this and I'm not sure myself. I openly praise here but it's that kind of place.
In my day to day life I am one of the unsure. I'd most likely not mention it but complement the person in general. Hey, that's a great look for you, or nice dress/shirt/etc. Then IF they brought up their weight loss I'd talk with them about it but even then I run the risk of hurting someone by NOT saying something if they wish I would. There aren't any rulebooks for this and not everyone is socially fluent verbally.
Some just don't notice, truly, one way or the other. I knew a woman just socially who lost 140 lbs and when I saw her I noted something was different but said she looked pretty that night and asked if she was doing her hair shorter. She got all huffy and said she'd lost 140 lbs and thanks for noticing, stomping off. Now, had I said, hey you lost weight, congratulations! She might have: been insulted, cried because she'd lost it being sick, wondered if she looked terrible before (she didn't), or said hey thanks...but do you see my point? There's no one good thing to say.
I think we need to build up a little bit of tolerance for folks because in most cases, they are trying their best.
For example....That woman who says you're so skinny certainly thinks she is complimenting you.

[scgal21]

Sadly, the only people I've kept it from are family members. I've gone thru so much emotional abuse with my weight, and I didn't want to add another dimension to the abuse. I've told several friends and close acquaintances about the surgery and at least 1 person has decided to have the surgery. It is such a positive aspect of my life and I wish I could shout it from the rooftops, but unfortunately there's a few that are standing in the wings waiting to take pot shots at me. It's sad, but everyone who has gone through this has a personal story.

[hnybun128]

I don't think it's a certainty that the woman telling the OP how skinny she is is complimenting her. Maybe she's jealous. Maybe she struggles desparately with her own weight (regardless of her size) and is envious of anyone who has dropped weight. Maybe she is sincerely being complimentary.

I say it doesn't matter. It's no one's business but your own. I don't going around telling people I work with every detail of my private life. They don't know every minute detail of my health, nor do they know what goes on inside my bedroom. To my mind, they shouldn't. Some matters are simply private. Knowing myself, I probably will eventually be very open about being sleeved, however right now I don't need the negativity. My boss, who is an obese woman herself, is one of the few people I work with who know. When she found out how much I was losing on the preop diet, she asked why I didn't just keep doing that instead of getting the surgery. You would think a woman with 100+ lbs to lose would get it, but there you go!

[Texgal]

Well this is hard because everyone is different. I have always been told to compliment people so these people may be the same way. I don't mean to upset anyone. I think compliments make me feel good so I think these deserve the same. When someone gets a new dress, hair done, gets dressed up, loses weight ect. I compliement them
All. Most people want attention. I don't believe they are meaning anything by it. If it really bothers you then you need to tell them. I hope someone would tell me too because I am big on building self esteem so I always complement.

[Ceasar10]

All these post are amazing! I agree with all because you have to do what you feel is right for you! I agree it is wonderful to get compliments on your weight loss! I also have seen people watching others who have had WLS when they eat and say can you have that or they say you look good keep up the good work! It makes my skin crawl? My surgery is coming up and I think I will keep it to myself but If someone is obese and they want info or I can help them, I would!

[Dee Leshuz]

But overwhelmingly so far it's been people saying "good for you" and "you look great", and "do you have more info on that, my (insert loved one) is looking into surgery and I've never heard of the sleeve".

Yeah, interestingly the people that were against it were mostly my (non)fat family, but I don't go around advertising it because as was noted earlier, people are strange. If I'm around someone else fat and it comes up I usually mention it and 9x out of 10 they want more info.

The woman who lost 140 lbs., weird. I don't mind when people mention my weight now b/c it IS going down, and has gone up and down all my life. It's a lot easier than looking at co-workers who've seen me gain a lot of weight seemingly overnight who at first don't recognize me or think I'm pregnant (This is never okay to mention, IMO, ever.) and I can see the shock in their eyes and studious attempt to act like everything is all right. I kind of wanted to have a meeting, say "A family member died, and I'm eating my grief, okay?" but, you know. Who does that? Weight is such a (NPI) loaded topic...

[Jersey John]

I never said "obviously" had WLS as you quoted me...I clearly said "apparent" as in "appears as if,, God bless you for your earlier weight loss... gratz...

It's either *F* them or Its not...., if it matters that you avoid the truth then it's. not *F* them...it's more like I'd rather that person not judge me so I'll just not tell them the whole truth. If a person like that asked me I'd tell them the truth and add " I'm flattered by your sudden interest in my health, would you like to hear about my hemerhoid laser surgery as well.

As someone who experienced the jeers and judgement already, it seems odd to me that you chose to open yourself to it again on purpose - and last time I checked small breasts don't cause sleep apnea, hypertension, stroke, or was the number one health issue in America.

The problem with such a lie of omission is that just like other lies, you have to maintain it and once you start it, it gets a life of its own. Every person who you might be willing to help must also not reveal your lie. Eventually the truth will come out and the denials and lies of omission get exposed causing more real jeers than any ahole jeers you'd get for telling the truth.

I'm probably biased on this since I had too much weIght to lose to care to hide the truth, and I see everyone I know laughing and jeering at my Narcissistic wife who is sticking with the diet only story no one is buying.

[VeryLargeBob]

So after my year and 3 months after surgery 120.00lbs down i know and feel like I have accomplished so much but..... Im still living in my sleever closet and having people constantly asking me "what did i do to lose so much weight"? I give them the watch what i eat and protein shakes and excercise bit but they want more. One lady tells me everyday "your so skinny" im actually getting ready to tell her i dont need to be reminded everyday. I love where I am at but i dont think that I am better than anyone because I lost weight. I find myself get offended, when i try to explain to the ones close to me why i get so agitated with the same people asking me about my weight. Sometimes i feel paranoid like people are on a mission to get it out of me that I had surgery. Im not embarassed i just have dealt with unexpierenced,uneducated and unwelcomed comments from people and what they think about people who get surgery. I dont think anyone judge until they are in the same shoes we are. So my fellow sleevers can someone please give me some advice on how to tell people i lost weight without sharing my personal private info and not be so annoyed with the "Ur so skinny" comments.

Note: i love compliments but only when they are genuine.

Tell 'em you have tapeworm. Shuts 'em up every time. Take my word on this!

[jerzeygirl]

I call those who call me "too skinny", haters..lol. I just say, it's better than being "too fat", and I had surgery and follow a different lifestyle now. I tell them more if they seem interested, if not; I walk away swaying my small butt and knowing I look good I find the comments from overweight people are that I'm too skinny, and those that are already thin; are different and more complimentary. I don't care who thinks I'm too skinny, because it's the first time in my life I'm hearing those words. I'm loving the attention..lol...

[Sunflower]

I know we're all different but I have to say I've never understood the whole closet sleever thing.... I mean it's a legitmate medical procedure done for legitimate health reasons... I mean I understand privacy at the beginning and might not tell many people at first... but I mean it's not like people didnt know I ws unhealthy obese.... Thousands of women have breast enhancements for more dubious reasons at times, but we balk at telling others we're having bariatric surgery.

Then you often hear people lie or give an intentionally ambiguous but true response... and say "If they don't like my answer, too bad... that's their problem." Why isn't it THEIR problem if they can't appreciate or accept the fact you had bariatric surgery? I mean the weight loss and health improvement are obvious and if your honesty helps just one other person, its an incredible feeling.

The choice to be upfront about bariatric surgery is obviously personal, but at times we reinforcing the negative stigma. Its also clear to me that its far worse for people to question your integrity when its apparent you had something significant done a la Star Jones.

Years ago, when I the very idea of WLS for me was in embryonic stages in my mind, a co-worker got the bypass. I overheard people make some of the most unkind comments about her behind her back when she came out about her decision; they even told her horror stories of people ghey know who died after bypass surgery. Everything from comments about her taking time off work for "elective" surgery and leaving her work for others to do, to comments about how she should just eat right and exercize, and not be such a pig, etc. Then, when she came back to work, people watched her like a hawk to see if she was staying on her diet properly. If she ever ate a chip or a cookie, they were all over that like flies on sh*t. She lost a lot of weight, but started out close to 500 lbs, so I guess she wasn't losing fast enough in some people's opinions, so they talked about her for that too. I watched this go on for months. I haven't worked at this site for the past 5 years, but I may returning there as soon as next month. The woman who had the bypass so many years ago has gained a lot of her weight back, and I have heard that people have passed judgment on her about that as well. If I go back there, I do not want to fall prey to this kind of scrutiny or pressure. If I don't go back there, I currently work with a good cross section of society and don't want to subject myself to comments or judgment at my current job either. I will gladly share with people who are genuine and whom I can trust with my personal business, and whom I can help in their weightloss journey. Yesterday, I shared with a friend what I did because she was genuinly happy about my weight loss, and now she wants my surgeon's contact info and has asked me to travel to Mexico with her when she goes for her sleeve. This, I can handle. But when I am making yet another effort at something I have failed at so many times, I just cannot take on the judgment and scruitiny that is added when people know I have taken "the easy way out" in their opinions. Also, I would much rather use my energy to focus on my weightloss than focusing on defending the decision and/or educating people who judge me for the decision I have made to achieve my weightloss.

[Ceasar10]

Well said Sunflower! You will succeed this time and you owe no explanations to anyone!

[RXQUEEN]

WOW i love the idea of breaking the eye contact so gonna try that phrase

When this happens, you should break eye contact with the person. Look at the ground, and after a pause, say something like "it really makes me uncomfortable when people talk about my body. It makes me feel like an object." Most people will get the message.

If it happens again:
"Let me be very clear on this. I don't talk about your body, and you don't talk about mine. Stop checking me out, it's weird."

[Julia B]

Amen to Trustin Sleever. I couldn't have said it better myself. The best answer I have heard from someone in our support group when asked how he
"did it" was "a lot of hard work". He is now an avid runner and looks great at 2 years out.

[Finally Ready I think]

Why is it, that the people with the good manners are the ones worried about offending those without them? After many years of living and therapy I have learned it is not necessary to respond in depth to every question answered. Most often less is better. To those who you feel are truly concerned you decide how much to answer to the rest, thank you for noticing, I have been working hard. to those you think are jackasses sometimes a a "sorry you feel that way" and a death stare is more than enough. If you don't engage they look like what they are. Most times people just want to feel better about their own shortcomings by picking on the fact that you are moving on and they are staying still. For more words of wisdom feel free to rattle my cage!