Today is my "official" monthiversary as my surg was on the 31st of May.

I didn't have time for measurements this morning so I'll figure those out later and post them in my on-going stats blog entry.

I thought this time I would capture more about what's going on with my head anyway.

Body-

I am officially down 60.6 lbs since surgery and 77.6 since I started losing again from high weight.

I am in a size 16 across all brands and they are not tight in many - bordering on "should I be a 14 at Dress Barn?" for example. I can shop in all stores now and wear an XL on the XS to XL spectrum.

Need to be resized for bras as the ones I bought to replace the ones I had now have room in top of the cups and are on the tightest band clips.

I seem to be losing proportionately but...I carry weight in inner thighs, butt and abdomen, so my upper seems smaller to me than my lower...even though last measurements would say I am losing proportionately. I still have these weird balls of hard fat under my ankle bones.

My body seems to be in a pattern of two low loss weeks a high week and a regular week. But who know if that will just keep changing, too.

My monthly losses are: (going by week not 31sts)

month 1: 21.6
month 2: 7.6
month 3: 14
month 4: 9.2
month 5: 8.2

Things I didn't know about or expect - the hard stuff version
If you have followed my journey at all, I am the preparedness/research queen of bari. And this has served me SO well in the how to take care of myself dept. with regard to nutrition.

I have lists of stuff that can go wrong and what you can do about it. I have lists of stuff to do to keep stuff from going wrong.

Yay.

Here are things that make things challenging for me - a type A personality.

1. The target is constantly moving. Once you get in a routine, things change and you are back to the drawing board. It's unnerving to me and where I hope/dream maintenance will give me comfort next year.

2. The "you need all new clothes" is stressful. My morning routine now has to have time to figure out what to wear and often an outfit that worked last week suddenly looks like some Hobo Halloween clown fit. I am losing at a healthy clip (about 2 lbs per week averaged) and I can't imagine how this works for those dumping 10 - 20 lbs a month. Beyond the routine hit, I just don't know what I like, my "style", what looks good, etc. This is also stressful. I was used to being invisible. Now I worry about presenting myself in the most flattering way (professionally) as daily comments are part of post extreme weight loss life. I feel self conscious.

Losing all your clothes is also ALL YOUR CLOTHES....a decade of undergarments, sweat wear, work clothes, weekend clothes, lingerie.....gone. It's like when you do your first big move out of a real house and, weary from packing, decide to chuck all your spices, some pots and utensils that have seen better days, and so on. Then, when you are all unpacked and shopping, you realize just how quickly this all adds up; you can't afford it and you settle.

3. Ummm...how to say this delicately. The hubs and I.....different there too. It's a time of rediscovering how things fit, what things feel good, where the lines are of good vs knock that off - LOL. "Go to" moves do not work anymore. Our normal "cha cha", I do this 1, 2,3 you do that 1, 2, 3 doesn't work anymore. So, now it's another thing to "work on" and figure out. Like the clothes...what do I like now? Things are more "exposed" shall I say so sensitivity is different....trying not to be graphic but hope this is clear. It's another thing to "re-learn" in this body. Add to that #2 above - all your former sexy time get up is saggy time nonsense so you don't feel sexy.

4. Hairloss
yes, I had this on several lists...but I didn't have or think about how that also changes things other than appearance. I had really thick, long hair. I had "go to" quickie styles that worked and got me out of the house quickly. The thinner my hair got, the harder it was to figure out what to do with it beyond a slick backed ponytail. I finally chopped it off last week. Due to hairloss, I went from mid back thick to shoulder blade touch...layers lost. It looked too straggly. So, now it's layered up at shoulder length and looks healthier, but, how it's work in the morning. It's too thin for a quick twist in a clip, buns are not an option, even a hair tie doesn't work. Hair is now something I have to factor in to my morning routine that I haven't had to do in a long time. I don't have it in my time budget or routine so it forces change.

Are you seeing a re-learn theme here? I'll go on....

5. My go to foods are different and I don't know them all yet.
In weight loss world, I knew my "in a pinch" food grab and gos at home and drive thru. Now, due to capacity and protein needs, that is all different. I am slowly learning what I could have here and there but it's another work in progress. More re-learning to do and the reality is I need to know what I CAN eat in a pinch from a drive thru. And, the answer can't always be "jerky" or chili.

6. Self Care
So I had given myself the gift of time off this summer to just focus on me. Now that I am back to my vida loca, it is clearer and clearer that the ONLY way to take care of me, minimally mind you, is to take stuff off my plate. This is HARD as it all has consequences. But, these last few weeks, I am the one that gets bumped when shit is too much. My wake up call was deciding to skip yoga this week because I was so stressed and it felt "like another thing I had to do". And, mind, you, the schlepping at home was good, but, yoga is like one of a few things I do for myself and the ONLY things I do for myself weekly. All my cheerleaders beam at the thought of working less but the reality is...what then gets cut out of life that requires money? It's really hard to find balance when I have to turn down work weekly....where's the line? Layaway and credit went away a long time ago when I realized I could just pay for things by working more (free lance). I then got into this "can't live without it" place in my budget - habit. I knew I had to do self care. I work on this in therapy. The re-learning is...I now have to rethink my whole budget due to this, my whole work ethic, have to say "no" more when I want to say "yes" for financial reasons. Because....

If I do not change this, I will self sacrifice and 3 years from now I'll be unhealthy...maybe I won't be fat, but, I won't be my best self health wise.

It's one thing to say, "don't put yourself last", "make time for yourself", "don't ignore your own needs"...it's another to find the time, space and money to do this in your old life. You have to overhaul it all...not just your junk food shelf.

So, it is a lot to be dealing with right now. I hope it doesn't come off as too "first world problems" <-- because I get that it is. But, it's a lot to process at once. A lot of new habits and re learning are required. It's a full time job that I don't have time for - so that's stressful and causes anxiety.

These are things I didn't expect or read about, so, I wanted to share some of them.

Things I didn't expect - the good stuff version
1. I am just shy of hitting wonderland. I should be shouting that out somewhere in month 6 progress reports. I thought, in mind's eye, I would be much bigger than I am at this weight. Don't get me wrong...I do look in the mirror and see where more weight loss is warranted and how I am smaller than before, but, I dunno, I "feel" 170- 180 lbs visually.

2. I like to curl up. In bed, I often curl way up like fetal position. On the couch, I cross legs or tuck them, or bend them up to me. In car rides, I like to cross arms/hug self and cross legs. I just do these things without thinking. It feels "cute" for lack of a better word. Like a mini-sized candy bar....taking up way less space on top of taking up less space.

3. I am obsessed now with fashion. What do women over 40 wear? What looks best on my frame? How to build a wardrobe on a budget...capsule wardrobing...minimalist wardrobe...you name it. I think it's my transfer addiction...either that or just my latest research area. Since I have to start over, I am starting over with purpose and plan.

4. The hubs.....I am not offended, but, he is like a courting school boy again. And this is a man who made me feel beautiful and desirable at any weight. I got flowers at work, surprise scarves, shopping trips...he's just giddy and huggy and smoochey. I have to wipe him off many days. He says I am more attractive NOT because I am smaller...that makes me "cuter" he says, but, I excude more happiness now, I am not in pain, I am funny again....he feels like his old gurl is back and that makes me feel younger and him too, I guess.

5. We went to a corn maze this past weekend. They had a ride there....a series of little cars shaped like cows pulled by a 4 wheeler thingy. In the past, I would have watched. I would have worried I a) couldn't climb in, b) couldn't fit in, c) would have tipped it over on sharp curves, d) couldn't get out without embarrassing myself. Instead, I got in line, got in and rode. The hubs had a big smile the whole time as I was LOLing the whole ride, he said....having too much fun, frankly, for a 46 year old on, in essence, a kid ride. But it was pure joy for me. Being included....not being the official photographer as my family did things I felt I couldn't. Being free to do things I wanted to do.

6. I feel like I need a 6th to balance the lists. (welcome to my madness) - umm....
I am not as saggy as I imagined I would be at 60 lbs lost. This may be due to luck, genes or my deliberate healthy weight loss pace. Do I sag? yes. Have I wrinkled? yes. Are my stretch marks not stretched anymore and looking like a topographical map? yes. But, at this weight anyway (little over the half way point), the body is doing alright, considering. I'll jiggle and sag, for sure, but not like what I imagined.

That's all for now.

Sleeved life is good

Happy Halloween!

PS Given all of this, my advice to any pre surg folks who find this is....

I had everything but "exercise" checked off on the "are you ready for weight loss lifestyle change" list.

I already...
drank the water
took daily supplements
ate lots of vegetables and fruit
understood nutrition and logged it
weighed and measured my food daily
went to therapy to deal with food issues

I can't imagine having to "relearn" all of THAT plus what I am going through with lifestyle changes beyond this list. So....get the to mastering this list prior to surgery.