Well it has been forever since I last posted. I am not sure why I decided to post again. I am working through lots of new non-weight related issues being this far out (2 years 2 months). I definitely gained some clarity on how food was what I was using in order to "be happy" or more likely to run away from problems. I am for sure an addict.

I am trying to find healthier ways to deal with emotional and stress related problems in my life, but it is tough for sure. I also wanted to point out that a statistic I read a long time ago, that about 40% of diet surgery patients end up abusing alcohol or drugs - there is something to that! I heard people say over and over on their YouTube video blogs for gastric sleeve that surgery does not fix your head. This is 100% correct.

To make a long story short, my weight loss for the first year was uneventful. It pretty much was a steady 10lbs a month or so until I was done. I was very lucky and did not plateau even once. I stuck to my diet and was doing it the right way.

It was after I reached my goals I started to struggle. For the first year I was so wrapped up by the idea of achieving my goal that I didn't see or think about anything else. After I was done, I spent some time buying clothes and trying to start actually dating. Then I had a few major life crises and several funerals and that was when the trouble started.

My brother and I started a company together. The company did great, but we didn't work well together. It was a mess and ruined our relationship. I wont go into details I will just say that it took lawyers to help solve it, and I still can't be in the same room with him. Then several people close to me died in about a months worth of time. One after the next, it was surreal. I was in such a dark place and could not figure out how to get out of it. I always ran to food. For 25 years I have been running to food to deal with problems. Then guess what, food doesn't work the same now.

I can't binge eat a whole pizza. I haven't even bothered with Taco bell, lol. And really I don't want to. I want to be thin. I can't stand the idea of gaining the weight back and not even really be able to enjoy food in mass quantities at the same time! What's the point of being fat if you can't binge eat!

So I made a dumb mistake and decided to go to drugs. Now I will say that they are legal drugs. I won't name the substance I will just say that it is an herb (Legal - not pot!). I will also say it works in the same way that Vicodin or some sort of happy pill does. It took away all my anxiety and gave me this huge sense of peace. It also helped me relax, yadda yadda - the stuff was amazing - until it wasn't.

I am 30 days clean as of today, but I was severely dependent on this herbal miracle for the better part of 1.5 years! Major withdrawal symptoms, physical and most horrifying was the mental. About 2 weeks worth of withdrawal symptoms after I stopped - even with tapering.

I have never been addicted to drugs. I was a smoker for 15 years - then quit and went to vaping - so yes addicted to that, but not real drugs. Food yes, but not drugs. Food & smoking, that was it.

Now I have no more love for food and am trying to fill a hole that seems almost impossible to fill.

I will end with this, if anyone reads this and decides that drugs or alcohol is a good solution for filling that hole you left behind when you decided to drop food as your primary addiction for good - DON'T DO IT.

I don't have a solution, wish I did. I am working a lot of things out in my head and for sure it has been an uphill battle. But I will say this from experience, replacing one bad for a worse is not a solution. That's all I know.

I hope everyone out there can find peace. I see overweight people now and all I do is hurt inside for them. I thought losing the weight would solve my problems - I would be "happy". I think I knew deep down it wouldn't, but it still hurts to find out things can always be worse. I am on the road to recovery though, and I know things could have been worse for me too. It could have been much worse things that I put into my body. I could still be on the crap.

I just want to move forward and figure out how to really be healthy. Not just lighter.