Ahhh.. the grand thought of “A new me”. We see this in huge numbers during the New Year’s resolution period. NEW YEAR NEW ME!! Sadly, new me’s don’t happen often. Yet, once someone loses weight, they are almost forced to swear off the person they “once were”. They are asked to validate hate and negative comments towards the person they “lost and will never find again”. These things sit very funny with me.


In my life, people ask about “the new me”. They seem to believe I unzipped a suit I was wearing, looked down, snarled in disgust, and walked away never looking back. Like a divorce between my “faulty life decision self”, and the “right decision self” would have caused collateral damage in my inner being, not allowing me to live in peace knowing where I am today? How can I hate the person I am?

I am a collection of my life days, the path direction, the years to decades, the snap shots, the entire kit and caboodle. I own it. It is me. I am the sum of all my parts, good and bad.



The reality is, I still have the “fat suit”, no one can see it right now. It’s suppressed.


I often will cringe when I get comments such as “you were fat bastard before, you must feel great!!” (that was a real comment I received) Or the loving “We were all scared you were going to DIE”(again, another real one). I know those comments come from a place of love, it’s just hard to hear. They do sting, but I get it. THEY DON’T GET IT. Nor do they have to. Think about it.


To me, I am still 444 pound inside. I feel pain when 444 pound Ken is insulted. I feel a connection to my roots, and there is NO ILL WILL towards myself for taking a decade off to shop in Casual Male XL. It is part of the journey. It is what makes me.. well.. ME. They only see how much “better” I am now, and can’t possibly understand the connection, the pain, the journey.

I can’t fault them.

I do not fault them at all, and do all I can to not let it bother me. We have all come so far, and our journeys are not typical. How can typical people understand?

I no longer hang out where the “old me” did
I no longer have the same friends the “old me” did
I no longer wear the same clothes the “old me “ did
I no longer eat or exercise like the “old me” did


I know there is a “new me”, I just do not see this new persona as having any more value than “old me”. I believe that is where I have my issues. Just getting my thoughts out here make me recognize “new me” more, and to be less defensive of comments etc.


We did what we did, and I know we chose life and hope. I go up with hope, and down with the dopes!


I love where things have come and wouldn’t dream of changing this journey. One love



Has anyone else experience this sort of old self shaming? If so, please share below.

<<This is part one. I do not have time for the second part on "how other view me now".. More to come!>>