It's been one week since surgery and the pain is just starting to be under control. Because I had the gall bladder removed at the same time, I am badly bruised and the pain on my right side has been horrendous.

Up until yesterday I had been coping well with the liquid only diet I'm on, but last night and then all day today I vomit whenever I put anything in my mouth. I'm dehydrating, I can tell.

Since the surgery, I've gained 2.8kgs (hopefully just water weight) but haven't weighed myself since returning home. I will see how things progress on Friday (my weigh in day).

I am craving anything I can chew, would love to eat a sandwich or something, but continue to struggle with protein shakes. My calorie intake is low but am more concerned with keeping the volume high.

Mentally, if I'm completely honest, I'm a bit of a mess. The pain is so much more than I anticipated (was put on a Patient controlled pain machine straight out of recovery because my pain was so intense) and I suffered high blood pressure during surgery. I feel like such a failure. I keep being told i'm a 'rockstar' for doing this but I don't feel like a rockstar. I fel like I'm dying on the inside and nobody can see me. I'm like an invisible rodent trying desperately to hide in the corner but are too fat to do it convincingly.

I have no regrets about the surgery. I know it was necessary. I'd be dead for sure, if I hadn't done something this drastic. But I feel so differently on the inside. So alien. So afraid. So isolated.

I have no words.