The question no one wants to ask

[LORAW]

I am responding to your thread before I read what everyone else says.

IMHO, please have the respect for a human being to leave him before you start sleeping with other people. It is obviously too late for that but, really, what are you thinking? You are hurting your husband by your selfish actions.

[Stephanie2]

Monica, I think you are very brave to post about this. It had to be very hard and even harder to know that others would judge. This does not mean you are a bad person it just means you made a bad decision and there is a difference. I find for myself that this process sometimes has me focusing too much on myself and my own wants and needs. I have to stop and remember to think about my loved ones. Maybe concentrate some energy on doing some thoughtful things for your husband and other loved ones I know that helps me to get outside of myself. Take care! It sounds like you have made some good first steps.

[LFitz66]

I'm with katlike. Sometimes I feel like my husband doesn't give me enough kudos and attention about my weight loss (and I do feel that I get a lot more from others) BUT ya know what?? He never gave me grief for being heavy either!! The feelings you are having are natural and clearly many, many people have them- what you do with them is the issue. Cheating is never right, no matter what the reason. If you love your husband and value your marriage- do something about it.

[niamh]

I'm so glad you've decided to focus on working out what you want to do about the marriage. Counselling can help you either get back to a more committed and connected place, or come to a decision to end it in a way that is more healthy and respectful to both of you. We humans are complex, confusing, hard-to-figure-out beings. When we're struggling with strong compulsions, taking responsibility is incredibly tough (we all know that from our weight/eating experiences). Sticking with our resolutions once we've made a decision is hard too, and we may slip up even, but making the resolution is still imperative.

Take care.

[Missy1973]

I'm so happy for you that you ended it! Like I said in my earlier post, I came clean with my husband. He was suspicious and asked me a lot and I finally told him after lying about it for years. It's probably best not to tell him. It will only hurt him. If you know you are not going to do it again there's no sense in hurting the poor guy. I hope everything works out for you guys. You will have to give us an update in a few months!

[zmdh39]

Ok, so I know I probably won't get too many replies (I know it's a deeply personal subject) but here goes. How many people are married and thought their marriage would survive WLS. How many have had an affair now that you're thin and more attractive?

I've done both! I love my husband, but recently I've done a lot of thinking and I realized I haven't been in love with my him for a long time. 600 days ago I could honestly say I was madly in love with him. IDK what changed. Could it be the attention I get now is clouding my thinking? Mostly I ignore it, but I found someone who I am very attracted too and things have escalated to between the sheets. I'm having fun. I'm not naive enough to think anything is going to come of the affair so I keep asking myself what are you doing? Your husband is an amazing man, he loves you, is madly in love with you. Treats you like a queen... WTF is wrong with you? I have yet to come up with an answer in my head.

So I came here, hoping (that's probably the wrong word considering I'm "hoping" someone else has had an affair) that I could get some other opinions.

I realize I opened this can of worms and am ready for views of all kinds, I only ask that you keep religion out of it. I'm well aware of adultery is a sin.

I have heard of infidelity issues on both sides of the spectrum after WLS. For the person that is changing they feel better about themselves, develop new confidence, pride, and sometimes new attitudes. I have also heard on the person who has not had surgery becoming jealous, insecure, outcast-ed a bit, etc. etc.

I don't know you, your situation, or your relationship...I count myself very lucky because years of bartending in my college years I developed this natural ability to not take someone hitting on me seriously, most times I don't even notice it really.

In reality what is done is done, and there is no going back...but if you really do have remorse for it and love your husband, then stop what you are doing. No judgement here, honestly, it really is a common thing, and it doesn't make you a terrible person...it makes you are person that has made a mistake.

Although, I will say that I have been cheated on many many times in past relationships, and being cheated on, at least in my opinion might be something that can be forgiven, but it will never be forgotten...and that does take a toll on a relationship in a number of ways. Most of my relationships have always been long term ones, and there is just something, again only my opinion, that happens when you get cheated on...you can be madly in love with the person that cheated, what with everything in your soul to move past it and try and make it work, but at least in my experience, it is very hard to love them the same way that you did before.

I fully understand your new found confidence, how your situation could come about, and like I said, it doesn't mean that you are a terrible person...but cheating is a terrible thing, especially when you are cheating knowing that nothing will come of it...most likely you will end up hurt despite what you think now, and you would be hurting someone who loved the real you, overweight, thin, insecure, confident, and everything in between...that person took the time to see the real you, look past any flaws you may have, and support you.

I know that the longer you have been in a relationship that new feeling wears off, its easy to fall into routines that do not fulfill the relationship needs of each other...but I believe...and again this is just a personal opinion...I myself spent SO many years, and went through SO many bad relationships that when I met my fiance I was at the lowest of the low, in every aspect of my life...How he saw past the circumstances that I was in when we met, and how he was able to look past all that to see value in me still amazes me...I don't know that I would have even been able to do that...but he did...and when you can find a person that does this, loves you no matter your flaws, and spend their life, time money and everything else in them all to make a life with you and make you a better version of yourself...Honey, when you find one that like that you should hang on for dear life, because those people a far and few in between!

Sometimes I think people cheat because they have this deep desire to have someone else tell them, or make them feel that they are beautiful, and darlin' you are beautiful...truly...but what you should be asking yourself is this dude that you cheated on your husband for...before you lost your weight...would he have told you that you were beautiful?

I really admire you for admitting such a personal fault to a group of strangers...it takes a strong person to do something like that, and an even stonger person to realize their faults, acknowledge them, and want to change.

I wish you and your husband the best, if both of you are willing you can come back from something even this devastating, but it takes time, and a lot of hard work. I am glad if you are willing to try, and your husband is even more amazing if he is willing too.

Just remember that real love may not always be as exciting as that new puppy love or lust...but real love is what will get you through some of the worst times in your life...not many people today can say that they have real earth breaking love, where they and their partners are in it to win it, and will fight all of life's battles as one.

Real love is your super hero, your partner in crime, your biggest fan, a shoulder to cry on when bad things happen, and the one person in the whole world who knows you inside and out, and can pull you out of your darkest moments, when you don't have the strength to do it yourself.

God bless both of you. I hope everything works out.

[idigfrstbase]

You know we all do stupid things through our life. We all have regrets, things we would have done differently and it takes a lot of courage to admit to what you did. I have family that has been divorced and remarried three times and you know what? Each marriage/relationship had hard times. There is no perfectly perfect relationship. We all get pissed, bored, frustrated and sometimes say "what the hell am I doing here?". You just have to step back and remember your partner may be thinking the same thing! We are HUMAN. That isn't an excuse, but the truth. I wish you luck. Actions speak louder than words and how you act now will be remembered. Hang in there. Liz

[justilou]

I have been thinking about how you need validation about your attractiveness...... Do you not get that from your husband? Doesn't it count, because it's "only him"? Surely this opinion should matter more than anyone else's - other than your own.

Why are you not able to validate your own attractiveness? Why do you need to seek that validation elsewhere?

This is something you need to discuss with a counsellor, and work on before you repeat unwanted patterns.

[Natalie]

I was married before WLS and a year later left my husband. Yes, there was a lot of attention and yes my husband was also giving me a lot of attention, but he was very controlling after the surgery and very insecure. He made my life miserable because all he would ever talk about was how I was going to leave him for someone else after i lost all the wieght. He made me feel very guilty about losing weight and he made me feel like it was not a good thing and how it was going to ruin our marriage. All I did was work on our marriage and put everything into it for the whole time but i put in overtime for our marriage after the WLS. Finally it got to the point where he said it sooo much to me that it became reality. I didn't leave him for anyone else and by the time I did "give in" to the attention of someone else I had already given up on him because I tried soo hard to prove to him that I wouldn't cheat on him but he pushed and pushed until finally i couldn't take it anymore and decided that i had to get out because he was turning me into someone that i didn't want to be.
Long story short We had problems before WLS and he had insecurities before, he was not supportive in any kind of way and he refused to support what he thought was going to be the cause of our divorce. I think he had his mind made up before the WLS that this was going to be the reason and he was determined to make it the reason. And so I gave up on our marriage and on him. There were other issues involved with my decision to give up also. He actually told me that he was abusing drugs because of me and all the stress from "worrying about our marriage" All i ever did was try to reassure him that I wouldn't leave him and that our marriage was ok, and he refused to believe it. So when I left it was because of the drug abuse and the controlling issues. But to this day if you ask him he'll tell you that I left him because I lost weight and left him for another man. That really kills me because of all the things anyone can say about me that are true, there are certain things that I work so hard on my image and the image that my kids will have of me and with his words he has torn me down and turned me into a selfish monster who never cared about my family or kids and all I cared about was myself. He actually told my kids that i left him for (my current boyfriend) and that my boyfriend is the reason why he and i are not together (TOTALLY NOT TRUE) but he didn't care... as long as he can find the way to blame someone else then he feels like he's clear.
so that's my "WLS divorce" story. I really do think marriage is sacred and i always hope for the best when it comes to family and marriage. I think the best thing to do is to constanly work on the relationship BEFORE and After WLS... it's never ending but be prepared for the uphill challenge of being with someone who is not very supportive before the WLS.

[mem222]

I'm a black/white person. I always felt that if I ever cheated (which I couldn't imagine until it happened) I would get a divorce. To me I couldn't ever face my husband again. That was my first husband. I cheated and actually did us a favor, we were going no where. Now I am married to the nicest, most caring person I've ever known. I could never hurt any person in the world as much as it would hurt if I cheated on him much less him. Don't get me wrong, we don't have a perfect marriage but I could never do it. I could never live with the guilt. I think if you try counseling it could help.
Good luck in your journey

[CherokeeGirl]

I would not plan on any major changes in my life for at least eighteen months AFTER surgery...emotions are churning and your getting new attention....a counselor is an absolute must here...I think your running on emotions. You know the saying......Follow your heart but take your brain with you

[kris74]

Before I had my surgery my surgeon told my husband "don't come blame me when your wife wants a divorce a few months after the surgery" then he said, I'm just joking but, he wanted us to know that the divorce rate is high for people who have had weight loss surgery but then he told us something that really stuck he said those that get divorced after weight loss surgery were never truly in love with their spouse before surgery, in most cases he said they felt as if they had to settle for the one that wanted them for fear that no one else would want them because of their weight...........

[Heather1979]

This site isn't really the place to talk about this it's a weight loss site not a marriage breakdown site, you can't blame your weight loss your the one doing it . I suggest you give your husband the respect he deserves and instead of advertising your affair on the internet tell him because what your doing is wrong !!!