I may need to break up our relationship. I didn't mean to cheat on my wife.

[Stephanie2]

First let me say that I like your posts and comments and I'm not trying to put you down in any way, shape or form BUT your wife is your wife and I don't think you should be using this forum to discuss her or your marital issues. It is one sided and not fair to her. The people commenting don't live with you and know you the way your wife knows you and vice versa. I'm not saying your wife is right or you are wrong. I strongly suggest you look at what you are doing or not doing and what the perception is that you are giving off. Are you talking about the forum and bringing up women that you are having conversations with? Are you getting more enjoyment from the people you talk to on here than talking to your wife? Are you opening up on here more than you are to her? Are you walking a fine edge and your wife has picked up on it? I have read numerous stories about those of us that go through this process and then suddenly find themselves ending their marriage or having affairs. It can be an awfully big high to not only feel and look better but to have new attention that you haven't maybe had before. I don't know the answer to any of these but I do know that no matter what is going on in your marriage, your wife deserves your respect. If you need counseling get counseling. If you need to communicate more with your wife find a way to communicate more with your wife. You chose her to be your wife for a reason. I know I would be devastated if my mate was discussing me to people in a not very flattering light. I'm truly not saying you aren't entitled to how you feel because I don't know if you are or not I'm just stating another perspective. I hope everything works out and you get what you need to be happy. I wish you and your wife both the best. Who knows maybe all of this can make your relationship stronger than ever before. Hope this even makes sense, I'm pretty tired right now and may just be blathering.

[SethP]

@SethP, my "diamonds, chocolates, and flowers" comment was clearly meant to be humorous. Surely no one thinks that material things can solve problems in any marriage.

Btw, you are 100% correct regarding respect and love in a marriage; many people don't understand that. Well said.

Sorry Toopie if that sounded like I was pointing you out. What I was trying to say is that Material things will not make a relationship better for the long term. In my first marriage I had just built a new house and had 2 new cars in the driveway. I was very successful in the 2 jobs I was working but the time I was spent working gave her time to be with someone else. Was I wrong for trying to get us ahead? Was she wrong for finding someone else to spend her time with, as I was always busy? Was I wrong for being on track to retire at 50 years old? I do not know the answer to these questions but I do know, first hand, that material things DO not, WILL not and CAN not bring happiness long term. She says that after the divorce that I had already checked out a long time before becuase I was never there. I was trying to give her a better life then her parents said we would ever have. I succeeded in doing so but to what cost? I am not saying that I could have saved the marriage but I do KNOW that I am very happy now, and she isn't. The wife I am married to now appreciates my sacrafices to provide and tells me everyday. Here I go on a rant when I just wanted to say that I wasnt trying to point you our or slight you in anyway.

[terrora]

Wow if she is jealous of a gastric sleeve community, don't ever let her catch you talking to another woman! Sheesh!
I am sorry about that, but she cannot sabotage your success by cutting off your support system.
If she is that self centred, time to put your foot down.
You may tell her that IF you were to ever have an affair it wouldn't be because of weight loss.
Keep us posted.

[Toopie2Seater]

@SethP, thank you so much for that post. Please refer to my earlier post saying I have daddy issues, 'cause you can't ever leave this place either. My dad used to be a safety engineer for Shell Oil and spent plenty of time on the rig out in the Gulf. I always thought that was a really cool job and the view upon waking out there must be breathtaking.

You're a really cool, level-headed guy and I always look forward to your contribution to this forum. I can always tell when you're away on the rig and glad to see you return each time. =)

[Joe Poppa]

First let me say that I like your posts and comments and I'm not trying to put you down in any way, shape or form BUT your wife is your wife and I don't think you should be using this forum to discuss her or your marital issues. It is one sided and not fair to her. The people commenting don't live with you and know you the way your wife knows you and vice versa. I'm not saying your wife is right or you are wrong. I strongly suggest you look at what you are doing or not doing and what the perception is that you are giving off. Are you talking about the forum and bringing up women that you are having conversations with? Are you getting more enjoyment from the people you talk to on here than talking to your wife? Are you opening up on here more than you are to her? Are you walking a fine edge and your wife has picked up on it? I have read numerous stories about those of us that go through this process and then suddenly find themselves ending their marriage or having affairs. It can be an awfully big high to not only feel and look better but to have new attention that you haven't maybe had before. I don't know the answer to any of these but I do know that no matter what is going on in your marriage, your wife deserves your respect. If you need counseling get counseling. If you need to communicate more with your wife find a way to communicate more with your wife. You chose her to be your wife for a reason. I know I would be devastated if my mate was discussing me to people in a not very flattering light. I'm truly not saying you aren't entitled to how you feel because I don't know if you are or not I'm just stating another perspective. I hope everything works out and you get what you need to be happy. I wish you and your wife both the best. Who knows maybe all of this can make your relationship stronger than ever before. Hope this even makes sense, I'm pretty tired right now and may just be blathering.

????????

Where do you come off writing that? I respect you have a right to your opinion, but you need to listen to mine.
I just barely scratched the surface. I am not going to list all of the things she has said done (or didn't do) over the years to my children or myself; at that point you would probably tell me to leave her.

IMHO, you seem a little scornful. Re-read what I wrote and try to have a nice day.

[Joe Poppa]

I am sorry if I didn't explain myself a little better. I am not leaving this forum.
She is not insecure about me being on the GS forum, she is just insecure that I am going to have an affair because I am thinner now. In fact, she doesn't even know I am on this forum -not that this is a secret.

I used the GS forum as the person I was having an affair with because there is no other woman I am interested in other than my wife.
Well, except maybe Halle Berry, but as Jimmy Carter said, "I only lust in my heart".

[dmart27]

Hey Jurgen,
I'm not a college girl anymore but I'm looking!!! You are sooooo handsome.

[Nick Nic]

I was thinking the same thing terrora. This is a support site, not a dating site. Nothing sexy about it. LOL

[Fast Eddie]

lol, this was a great string of comments. It's funny how you let a little emotion out, and you see where the support and where the criticism is! I'm behind ya Joe Poppa...i feel your pain, and anytime you need to bitch about your wife, your job, your kids, your life...feel free to do it on here. Those of us that support you on your journey will be here no matter what the reason...not just for weight loss! Last i checked, this was something to improve our quality of life, and IMHO that's the way this forum should be treated...support for whatever things we will all be going through.
Keep rockin Joe Poppa!

[Stephanie2]

I guess you missed my point and I'm sorry that you don't seem to want to hear it. Good luck!

[ann1756]

Everybody needs a safe place to fall, where they can talk to others with similar issues. This is the place for gastric surgery people. I also belong to a liver disease support group, and when my kids were little I was involved with mom's groups and home school groups. I can tell you all day how it is to take care of someone who is very, very ill, and you can try to understand, but unless you are there you have no idea.

That said, I see nothing wrong with venting here. Sometimes you don't want to know how others would try to "fix" the issue, you just need someone to listen you. I have been telling several people "this isn't about you, it is about me this time". This isn't about your wife, it is about you, and how this situation makes you feel. You didn't ask for solutions, you just needed someone to listen to you. No harm, no foul, no betrayal. Vent when you need to.

ann

[Skibabe]

Do you think it would be fair of me to assume, based upon what you wrote, that you're talking to strangers you've never met about your weight loss journey, and excluding her from such conversations? If so, no wonder she's feeling aggrieved - I would too :-) Yes, we do understand your journey as we're going through it too and she's never had a weight issue, but if you're spending more time talking to strangers about your personal feelings than your wife, you need to take a long, hard look at what you're doing. Because if you're excluding her from this part of your life, she will wonder what else you're excluding her from. Doesn't mean that she has any basis to doubt your fidelity, (and I hear your disgust at what she said, and completely understand where you're coming from, but try to see it from her side too), but trust is earned and it takes effort to sustain. Don't take her trust in you for granted - show her that she has your full attention. The more attention you pay her, the less she's going to worry that you're giving it to someone else.

Perhaps you guys need to book some time off - a weekend, or hopefully longer, and get away from home. Go somewhere you guys have never been before, have some walks in the countryside and talk, talk, talk. It sounds to me like what she's actually jealous of, is this big adventure you're currently on. She doesn't feel she can join in, so she feels like there is another rival in her affections - your weight loss journey (I like putting on my psych hat sometimes). Yes, she needs to adjust to the new you and if you keep talking, it will come in time. You need to create a new normal for yourselves. Get away, re-connect and figure out a way forward. Yes, she's feeling very insecure and needs your reassurance but isn't that a small price to pay for a happy marriage? Be open with her, include her in this part of your life and you will put her worries to rest with time. You know as well as I do that marriage takes work sometimes :-) Good luck, I wish you and your wife all the best.

[terrora]

First let me say that I like your posts and comments and I'm not trying to put you down in any way, shape or form BUT your wife is your wife and I don't think you should be using this forum to discuss her or your marital issues. It is one sided and not fair to her. The people commenting don't live with you and know you the way your wife knows you and vice versa. I'm not saying your wife is right or you are wrong. I strongly suggest you look at what you are doing or not doing and what the perception is that you are giving off. Are you talking about the forum and bringing up women that you are having conversations with? Are you getting more enjoyment from the people you talk to on here than talking to your wife? Are you opening up on here more than you are to her? Are you walking a fine edge and your wife has picked up on it? I have read numerous stories about those of us that go through this process and then suddenly find themselves ending their marriage or having affairs. It can be an awfully big high to not only feel and look better but to have new attention that you haven't maybe had before. I don't know the answer to any of these but I do know that no matter what is going on in your marriage, your wife deserves your respect. If you need counseling get counseling. If you need to communicate more with your wife find a way to communicate more with your wife. You chose her to be your wife for a reason. I know I would be devastated if my mate was discussing me to people in a not very flattering light. I'm truly not saying you aren't entitled to how you feel because I don't know if you are or not I'm just stating another perspective. I hope everything works out and you get what you need to be happy. I wish you and your wife both the best. Who knows maybe all of this can make your relationship stronger than ever before. Hope this even makes sense, I'm pretty tired right now and may just be blathering.

You should read his post again. Although worded in a bit of a sarcastic humorous way he is saying his wife is insecure and is worried about cheating on him because he is getting thin. He is wondering if anyone else is struggling with the same thing.
This kind of issue is HUGE with WLS and he has the right to come here for support. Nobody knows him or his wife so he should be able to talk about whatever he wants.
I think your comments were a bit harsh and unfair.

[Stephanie2]

I didn't say anything wrong in what I said so maybe people need to re read what I wrote. I was not harsh in the slightest. I did in fact read what he wrote and what he continued to write and stand by what I said. I know that I am with a loving caring man who would never discuss me in the manner that he did his wife even jokingly. If his wife has such insecurity issues there is a reason for it. He may not be the reason but he can do what he can to reassure her and sarcastic joking does not help. Many are quick to jump on the band wagon defending him and the only thing I did was give another perspective. Why is that harsh? Its just another perspective and I made that very very clearly in my post. Why is it such a bad thing to look at a situation in another light. I try very hard to look at both sides of a situation and since one side had been discussed by quite a few people I posted about the other side. Why does someone post on here if they don't want people's input or perspectives? Do you just want someone to agree with you and say oh you poor thing? If that is the case I apologize profusely for daring to have a different viewpoint.

[zmdh39]

I'm sorry, I don't know how this happened, it just did and I am embarassed.
I pray to God that my wife and children will forgive me.

It started off so innocent, I wasn't looking to cheat on my wife, but then I met you, the Gastric Sleeve Forum members.
It started off casual, but before I knew it, I was posting all the time.
I never wanted my wife and children to find out, I hope they aren't hurt and am deeply sorry for any pain I may have caused anyone.

You see, my wife threw in my face that "Now I am losing all of this weight I am going to have an affair".
JESUS CHRIST! (Sorry he was Jewish, we had him first). She is jealous because I spend some time on the computer having fun, trying to be supportive and trying to help people (I also do that at home and with friends and family)!
Her jealousy reached an all time new high.

I am not going to berate or criticize her here for the lack of support during my pre/post surgery, but to throw that at me is insulting.
I am sorry that her self esteem is so low that she feels that way. I would never "cheat" on her nor would she on I.
I had this surgery and am losing weight because I am tired of being extremely obese, having low self-esteem, want to live a longer, healthier and happier life, be there and provide for my family and not be a burden in my old age, to name a few reasons.

Is anyone else's significant other becoming a little insecure as they are losing weight?

PS. I wish we could have met under different circumstances, all of you mean a lot to me.

Yep, have been there more than once...thankfully I never got the "Now that your losing weight you are bound to cheat on me card" threw at me...but man oh man did I get some heat for spending so much time on the forums. Not gonna lie, it used to really piss me off. My counter part, his family, and pretty much every ancestor he has ever had are insanely lean people with incredible metabolisms that many would trade a close relative for...let's face it we all have one we would sacrifice!

It took me a long time to come to a mutual understanding with him on this subject...after all the forums were the only place and people that I knew understood all of the mind screwing and emotional roller coaster cycles I was going through. My spouse can literally drink 15 cokes a day and eat the entire damn Wonka factory out of business and wouldn't gain an ounce...while I will gain 5 lbs if I even so much as have a unconscious dream about a snicker doodle...I don't even have to be eating it in the dream...bam weight gain!

I finally came to the realization that a person can get a little to immersed in these forums, obsessed over WLS, and easily start to neglect the ones we love...without realizing it. Sure, our spouses could just as easily not be willing to understand us, develop insecurities, or even resent our success with no cause at all. If WLS is resulting in family disruption its important to find out why. Talk to your wife and kids and gain some insight on what they are going through...you may have had the surgery, but life after surgery affect them too.

If you can find a common ground where you try and meet them half way...even if their reasoning is irrational and unfounded. Sometimes you just have to take a knee and show them that you are still you...just on your way to be a smaller version of you.

That being said, I have known many people that the spouse, no matter how hard a person tried to accommodate them, were just hellbent on the relationship not working...in either case, you are going to have to talked to them to figure it out.