Feeling guilty about not telling

[brooklyn_mom]

Since my weight loss is noticeable, friends have been asking me what is my secret.
Since I am a very private person, I didn't tell many people I was having the surgery so as not to be the object of conversation or judgement.
It's tricky now since the sleeve has been such an amazing tool for me and I have no regrets, and I couldn't have lost 70 lbs (and counting-I'm 5 months out from surgery) without it, but I am not telling people. I tell them that I went to a nutritionist, drink lots of water, take vitamins, and portion control, and working on emotional eating. Which is all true. I saw a friend of my good friends today who is very overweight and has been struggling for years. I want to tell her since I think it would be a great option for her. She is doing weight watchers and exercising, but easily has 100 lbs+ to lose. She asked me about my weight lose. I didn't tell her about the sleeve since I don't want the word to get around, but I am feeling conflicted....thoughts?

[niamh]

I felt the same. It was people who are also overweight and struggling asking me about how I'd managed it that made me decide to be more open further along - I didn't want them to feel bad about themselves assuming that I had some willpower that they couldn't muster. I'm glad I didn't tell people in the early days while I was getting my head around it. You could tell her and ask her to keep it quiet if you want to. Or wait until you're further along. But if you want to, you can choose to never tell anyone.

Once I got close to my weight, I was less worried about other people knowing. But it's your life, your body, your story. Your choice.

[Kelli D]

I felt the same way as you when I first had my surgery. When it got closer for me to go back to work (I am off in the summer) I found a friend of mine at work also had the surgery. I was totally conflicted because she was telling everyone and I didn't want people to think I was losing the traditional way and give her flack for having surgery. So, I opted to tell only those who asked what I was doing and said thank you to those who complimented me. This has worked so far and I am glad that I went this way. You have the right to keep this to yourself if you chose. I just didn't want people to find out later and think I had been lying to them which would have been unfair on their part. Non the less that is how I felt they would interpret it. Since then I have been able to help several people with advice on wls. Remember it is your life and your decision on whether you want to disclose your surgery and you shouldn't feel guilty of your decision.

[Shirleybird]

I feel exactly the same. The only person that knows is my husband and he is sworn to secrecy . I worry about people talking about me. I think that comes from always wondering if people judge me for being fat, or is it pure insecurity . I'm not sure, but I have alot of head-talk. You know things like -ya, she lost weight, but cheated to do it or people just not understanding. I worry that my friend and x-weight watchers coach will be disappointed in me for just not sticking with the program and fighting the battle of the bulge in their way of reducing weight . My friends and family think I am going on a 5 day trip to Mexico [that is where my surgery is on Oct.11.]. My husbands boss thinks I am having intestinal surgery so my husband could get time off to come with me. Otherwise, he could not get any time off because it is seasonal work and holidays are out of the question. I understand feeling bad about telling someone. My mom doesn't ever know. I don't want any negative feed back on a personal decision that is mine and mine alone to make and as far as trying to help a friend, she has her own journey to go through and if she ever learns about it for herself and asks what you think you can support her then. That still does not mean you have to tell her about yourself, but you may decide by then you can. I hope this helps. I am determined not to let anyone know. Good luck Shirley.

[sonya139]

I haven't had surgery yet but I have opted not to tell people as well. I have told my mom and that's about it. I'm a private person by nature so I don't usually share my business so this is no different. I have seen posts where people have talked about criticism for having surgery. I know from what I've read that you go through a lot of emotions after the surgery for many reasons. I didn't want one of those to be dealing with people and their opinions. I actually recently decided to pursue the Sleeve after wanting RNY for many months. You drop weight so fast with RNY that it would be difficult to tell people you're just changing your eating and exercise. To me the Sleeve provides a slower, sustained weight loss that I think you can get away with telling people what ever you want. You're telling them the truth actually, as you said. People don't realize you have to do all those things with surgery.

[inarakatra]

I started telling people then I stopped because of the more judgmental friends started making me feel bad. I don't mind anyone knowing except my mother and sister (which means anyone who would tell them). Everyone has different reason for being private/open. I would do what you feel is best. We are here for support.

[Ms. Jupiter]

I am having my procedure in a week. I haven't told anyone except 3 people, all family.
I have lost 60 pounds so far since May seeing the dietician through the WLC. Just this week my co-workers started asking me what I have been doing.
So I have told them the same thing.
But now I am worried they are really going to notice, ( I am taking three weeks off from work.) When I get back.
They don't need to know but I am feeling guilty too. Especially that I haven't even told my best friend. I was hoping they would not notice I am missing work, but with the attention this weekend I think they are going to start asking what's up.

[nana banana]

I have not had surgery yet. Only my husband, adult children & 2 friends know at this point. Both friends are status post WLS & great sources of info. I have told my supervisor s that I'll be having surgery later this year & will be out x4 weeks. I don't know if I will share this with others but time will tell.

Perhaps talking with your frirnd privately is the thing to do. I have no doubt she would be grateful for the info, the support & would maintain your confidentiality.

Congratulations on your incredible success.

[healthier86]

I was comfortable with telling people that I was having WLS until the some of those same people kept saying I was not fat enough to need the surgery. I even had one person pledge with me on my last day at work, not to have the surgery. Therefore, I will be less willing to talk about it upon my return from medical leave.

[scottbe1969]

I have been telling people I am having it. I even posted it as a Facebook status and have been given much support from friends and family. Everyone is different and it is a personal thing to have done so you must do what is right for you. My friend is 4 months out and only told us at 3 months he had it done and avoided us all summer. Everyone is different. Good luck in the choices you decide.

[Ladyinwaiting]

I feel the same way. I was at a wedding with old coworkers who asked how I lost weight. I told them just diet and exercise. But, why do we feel so bad about doing this? Why do we care what people think about having the surgery?

[Munchkin]

I think of this as a medical condition. It is not something that I want to share with just anybody. So don't feel guilty.

People usually just like to judge so why put yourself through that.

[sleeve-me]

i used the same type of lines but they are true - i see a nut, portion control, working on head etc. very very few people know about it. many people in my life now dont even know i had as bad of a weight problem in the first place. if you can believe they cant picture me heavy at all. this has become the new me. i sometimes feel a bit guilty that i am not open about it but i dont want judgement. i sometimes say i had stomach issues and had surgery to remove a portion of my stomach and have to be careful what i eat but for the most part dont even go into that. i eat somewhat normally at 2 years out. like half portions and eat just a bit of the carbs but that is normal eating for many people so i assimilate easily at this point. people just think i eat a protein rich balanced eating program that requires me to eat smaller meals 6x a day. you would be surprized how many normies also eat this way. i think its a choice and you can keep as private as you want. i really am interested in this post string though bc i struggle with this thought process as well.

[releasenready]

The first thing you can say is that there are no secrets. It takes making the right choices and finding out what works best for yourself.

[Danno30008]

Hey:

Well, let me add to the "I feel the same way" club. I was having a hard time when people asked me what I was doing, and all the other questions and a friend of mine simply said.." Dan, you don't owe anyone an explanation".. what a thought! She said just say that I was working with a nutritionist and changing my lifestyle. which is true and it made it so much easier for me.. no guilt, no bending the truth, just I am working with a nutritionist. Made it simple and easy for me and made my head much clearer too.
Sometimes my mind really complicates things for me... I think it is from my years of feeling not good enough, or not worthy of happiness, but that is simply the old tapes trying to convince me that I don't deserve it.. being happy and at a healthy weight.
Just hang in there and keep commin back. :-)

Take care
Dan in Albuquerque.