Serenity, Courage, Wisdom.

[jdavido]

Today was a much better day on an emotional level. I wasn’t all grey clouds and rain showers. LOL. I’ve been learning to really address the things in my past that have created cracks and weak places in my foundation as an adult. There are so many things I’ve realized I still carry with me from my childhood and adolescence. I’ve paid a tremendous amount of lip service in denouncing all that has ever brought me down, and acting like the ‘hard ass’ I portray myself to be … when in all actuality … there’s still that little boy inside wanting attention and affection. I’m not keeping him hidden any longer. Instead, I reach deep within myself and grab his hand. I get on my knees down to his level and I cry with him. I begin to heal his broken heart, so the adult whom he has become can heal as well.

So many disappointments, so many tears – years and years of rage and regrets have manifested into pounds. Years of feeling inadequate, unloved and unworthy have translated into one more unhealthy meal, one more binge … one more bite. Bite by bite, I have destroyed myself. I have drowned that little boy in milkshakes and cheeseburgers. I have silenced him with pizza and alcohol. I’ve been guilty of doing to him what everyone else did … pushing him aside for selfish reasons.

The difference now, however, is that I get it. I see it. I know it. I can look boldly to my past and stand up and say … ‘Yes, you have won many battles … but I’m here to tell you … I’m claiming the victory for the whole damn war’. I win.

Obesity is never JUST a food issue. It’s the manifestation of a vice – a bondage – an addiction. When you see someone on the streets stumbling and slurring with a wine bottle in hand, their behavior and outer appearance is a manifestation of their condition. Their pain and torment caused them to take that drink and get to where they are today. It’s no different with obesity. What you see on the outside of me, was a feeble attempt to apply salve to my wounds in the form of food. Just because it wasn’t a bottle to my lips, or some powder snorted in my nose, or a needle in my vein – doesn’t make it any less harmful or any less deadly.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.

That is the prayer spoken by millions of members of any 12-step style program.


Let’s dissect that, shall we?

se•ren•i•ty –noun, plural
-the state or quality of being serene, calm, or tranquil; sereneness.

Grant me the calm state of being to look at my life; to see the big picture and to accept what it has become. Allow me to find tranquility in the things that I cannot change and learn to love them as they are.

cour•age - noun
-the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear; bravery.

Grant me the ability to stand as David stood while facing Goliath – fearless and steadfast. Give me the bravery to face my giant with nothing but a stone and a sling and have the confidence to use the tool I’ve been provided and succeed once and for all.

wis•dom –noun
-the quality or state of being wise; knowledge of what is true or right coupled with just judgment as to action; sagacity, discernment, or insight.

Allow me to be smart enough to know and to accept what I CAN change. Let me discern what is possible instead of setting myself up for failure by meddling in the IMpossible. Let me KNOW that I KNOW that I KNOW what I can change as well as giving me the common sense to change it.

This is my mantra. This is what I have to think on and meditate on every second of every hour of ever day. My weight is something I CAN change. My childhood is not. I can’t continue to eat away the pain, because if I keep trying … I’ll just keep getting fatter and fatter until those who tormented me will get their ultimate wish … my demise. Letting go is sometimes the hardest part, but one finger at a time – I release.

[cajunbandmom]

WOW.... Thank you. That was pretty amazing. While I had great supportive parents our live was not perfect. I remember some dark moments. And I don't think I ever put them togeather with my over eatting. My dad was was 500 pounds when he died. He was 59 I was 32. I was pissed at the world. Why did I have to be so young and lose my daddy. ( I was a daddy's girl) I lost 85 pounds. Then gained it all back plus 36 pounds. I hate being fat. I hate feeling like I am not a good parent.

[jdavido]

I've been there. My step father is just the worst kind of person ... and my biological father committed suicide in 2006. I was pissed at God, the world and everyone else who got in my way ... so I ate ... and ate ... and ate some more. It calmed me. And now ... I'm nearly 400lbs. I'm really trying to examine my life as to the REAL reasons I'm fat and my trigger things, so after surgery - I'll never end up like this again.

I'm glad we can be there for eachother. ((hugs))

[dale]

What a wonderful post, Joshua!! You are so expressive, and can put our feelings into words so well. I was reading you post and nodding at everything you said. I share those thoughts and feelings with you, but could never articulate them as well as you have. So, I can only say: WHAT HE SAID!!!

[jdavido]

Thanks Dale! That means SO much to me!!!

[ILgal]

Wow, so honestly said! I feel much of your pain for how we use food to carry away the pain. We all carry baggage in our lives that has gotten us to where we are. I give you all the kudos to be going in with eyes open and examining the reasons why we have gotten this way.

I became fat as a 3rd grader when a medical condition required me to take medications that were steroid based and I puffed up like the good year blimp! I battled with the fat jokes for my entire school life until age 12 when they took me off the meds. I slowly lost the weight and by high school was pretty normal size. I met my first love at age 12 and ended up marrying him at age 19, had two great children and lost and gained weight with pregnancies.

The game changer I believe was after 15 years of marriage and being what I thought "so in love" came to a screaching halt! I found my ex-husband in heated moments with one of his co-workers (you get it!) What a shock! Then finding he did not want me any longer was devastating. I felt stupid and betrayed. In the divorce process he put me down many times, called me discusting and told me no one would want me. Believe me at that time I thought it really was me, that something was wrong with me, that I must not be good enough. (at that time I only weighed 150 lbs!)

After being so tremendously crushed in that I truly believed what he said about me that I was less of a person and worthless. I have spent the last 15 years loosing and gaining the weight trying to fill up the pain inside! I know what my trigger for this self destruction was and I know I have to let go of the image of my "soul mate" that I thought would be with me forever.

Through the recent psych evals the counselor was very spot on with honing in on what triggered my demise. She really made me see things differently, So....this process for surgery is opening eyes and hearts in many ways. Tackling issues head on and working through what has gotten us to our unhealthy situations.

I am so there with you and for you Joshua! Here is to moving on with our lives and health!

[This is it]

Joshua - that was so well said. I feel your pain as my story is similar. But you are right - we can lose the weight and triumph !! With regards to the 12 step programs, a friend suggested that I go to an OA meeting and I am thinking about it. Good luck with your journey.

[Kloudyday]

You are truly an inspiration to me. I have been trying to cover all of my bases before I go into surgery so I will be as ready as I possibly can be and that is definitely one area that I have been lacking in. You're feelings and honesty are amazing to me. Thank you so much for sharing with us. I hope someday soon I will be able to look at myself as clearly as you do.

[Dana]

I had the cruel stepdad and then the lost soul mate, I thought I would die, I lost 80 lbs in 3 months from nerves after that but now Im married to a wonderful man who helped me to stand on my own feet and giving me unconditional love. he helped me to see who I really am and helped me accept the love of God. Being in love with someone who loves you back is amazing, this year will be `16 years and it still feels like a honeymoon. that being said, he married me when I was fat and has never made me feel anything but beautiful til I healed enough to want to help myself, hence the surgery. I still cry at the little girl within but Im starting to become an adult in my own eyes too. now that im getting gray hair its about time! As our bodies heal our hearts can heal, its like hurt caused the fat and the fat held the hurt close. Thanks for this post!

[mslady1954]

Your words are very encouraging. Thank you for sharing. I am having surgery July 7 and this will go with me.

[FlowerGalTX]

Joshua, keep writing. As you go through this process, keep a journal either digitally or on paper to help you track your progression. Your writing will help heal you.

"They are more than just words, they are life."

[Amymbd]

Joshua, I can't even begin to understand or comprehend your pain and grief from childhood. What I do know is that someone who can express themselves so beautifully and honestly is a very special person. Please hold on to your day by day mantra. DO NOT let those people win. Trust me when I tell you that this surgery will not heal emotional wounds, but it will give you a tool. And this tool can change so many things in your life. Wendy is right. Journaling is a must. Journal your emotions, but journal your food and exercise as well. And most of all, keep remembering that David did, in fact, slay the giant. And so will you.

[jdavido]

Everyone's awesome words and kind gestures have really touched my heart. I am so happy to be a part of this forum and to be able to learn and grow together with some amazing people like you!

[JulieB]

Thank you so much for sharing so eloquently! You are so right! I truly believe that my weight as well is part of my past I have to let go of. It is -so- hard to do that. So many years of comforting ourselves in the only way we had. I truly believe that with the right tools and support we can do this! Making the choice to be here and make a change is a huge step/leap in the right direction! =) I'm also glad we are are here. I've found so much support already! We lived without it so long, its just wonderful that we finally found it!

[BusyGirl]

Amazing post, Joshua. Thank you so much for sharing with us. I think every time one of us opens ourselves up the way you just have, we not only begin to heal ourselves through the writing, but our words help to heal other members of our sleeve family.

You are spot-on about the food being our vice. We have many of the same mental/emotional processes that any other addict has, but we choose to self-medicate with food.

My mother is a recovering alcoholic. Through my childhood, the longest she was able to get sober was for 6 months. The 6 months came after a 28 day stay in a state rehab facility. My family truly expected her to be "healed" when she came out, but we later realized that the rehab facility was nothing more than a place for her to detox, be handed an Alcoholics Anonymous 12-step book to read on her own, and make arts and crafts out of popsicle sticks. Over the next 10 years or so, her drinking grew to a place where she had completely hit rock bottom. We ended up putting her into a private rehab facility for a 90 day stay. While this place was made up of cabins on a lake and was serene and tranquil, they worked her butt off. She was pretty much in therapy all day. Group therapy, individual therapy, and my family had to even go at times for family therapy. Not only did they make her work the 12-step program, they made her write papers and essays and made her dig deep to uncover the root of her problem. The rehab facility had 4 main goals: detox her, find out why she drank, work towards healing her emotional scarring, and teach her how to deal with daily life and her emotions without alcohol. She's been sober for 5 years and 2 months.

My point is that she didn't sustain success until she got to the core of why she was using/abusing alcohol. The alcoholism was not the disease, it was the symptom.