Unsupportive Spouses

[Jersey John]

Nicole, only you can decide how bad it is or how deep this issue really runs based on experience. If it's not new than you can expect it to get worse if it doesn't get addressed, but if it's recently increased it may be that it's such a big adjustment for him too. He may fear that as you lose weight you'll decide you can do better than him, so he cuts you down as a defense mechanism. I'm not justifying it, but that at least can be addressed in some kind of counseling and you may even grow stronger together from that.

To help you feel better and put things in perspective for you, I'm in the middle of an incredibly contentious and nasty divorce with the sociopath I was married to, and the divorce was necessary before I decided to have the surgery - the surgery was just a tool to help me transform my life. She always belittled me and called me a mental weakling for needing the surgery. She sabotaged my surgery twice by refusing to attend a meeting with my psych evaluator, and then she ripped up and threw out my pre-admission papers. When I contracted MIRSA (a potentially fatal disease) she refused to pick up my Cipro prescription and told me she hoped it was fatal. My 2 daughters are in counseling, and I'm getting closer and closer to getting full custody every day but the divorce is killing me. After my success, she went and had the lapband done and has been telling everyone she lost her weight the right way - through diet and exercise.

If the problem was there to begin with, don't put up with it - you deserve better and he probably realizes that which is panicking him even more.

P.S. Good Lord woman, I can certainly see why he can't keep his hands off you Best of luck becoming a bigger loser....

[leo39]

when people say vows that are for better for worse for richer for poorer .... that they will honor, love and cherish you, for some people those are just words. He was great when your health and wellbeing was not at your best but did not want to invest financially in this elective procedure that was so important to you). He is not loving you, honoring you or cherishing you! I do agree that he's scared and maybe wants a clear and reassuring explanation that you aren't doing this to leave him, but at the same time - if you do all you can to reassure him, and it doesn't work, I'm so sorry but that is not the guy you need in the latter half of your life journey!!!

[leo39]

ps if he won't go to counselling go on your own -it does help to have a therapist to bounce ideas off of.

[GA400]

Nicole, so sorry to hear this. Great advice already given, I am not so eloquent, but we all know that your decision to have the sleeve and undertake the weight loss you did prior to your surgery was for you and your health, not his. If he won't support you and chooses to act like a scared immature teenager, then that is his problem, not yours. You are taking the high road and suggesting counseling - he needs to be man enough to be a husband and not judge everything based on the WIFM (what's in it for me) factor. Judging by your wedding photo, it looks like a Christian ceremony so I am going to give an analogy that should fit, based on the scripture that was likely read and vows that were likely exchanged. I know not everyone on the forum is a Christian, and I am sure that there are folks that are atheists or reject the Bible for that or other reasons. Please don't turn this into a theological discussion. The following guidance has helped many marriages stay on the right track or heal after problems or trouble - that is all I am getting at. The Bible says that a man must love his wife like Christ loved the Church - willing to lay down his life for her. This doesn't just mean that you should step in front of a bullet for your wife if that kind of event ever comes up, it also means that you don't spend your family's budget on all the boy toys you want, you do make sure your wife and children are taken care of first, you don't make your healing wife iron your shirts or fix you a steak (you do it yourself or you get some take out if you are incapable or unwilling), and you don't squash her dreams to make you feel like no one is going to tinker with what makes you feel safe and protects the normal that you want. This is right after the guidance that wives should submit to their husbands [which is unfortunately where some quoters of scripture stop] - which when a man lives his life putting his wife's needs first, makes it a whole lot easier for his wife to submit to him. My parents failed at marriage after marriage, unfortunately - they didn't live by these rules. On the other hand, my wife's parents had a marriage that lasted almost fifty years, until my father in law passed away last year. They did live by these principles and I am lucky to have their daughter as my wife. She had a lot of work to do on me You have to have both parties doing their part and focusing on their spouse's needs not their own, then marriage works.

You know you are beautiful, you know you are smart (you mentioned returning to college), and you know you have the courage to change your life when you decide to do so (for example, pursuing major surgery when it's the right thing to do)

Good luck with this, Nicole, I will be praying for you and your husband.

Rich

[inspired4success]

Thank you everyone for the encouraging words & wisdom. Thank you Rich for the revisit to the scripture you quoted! Our minister focused on that scripture during our counseling prior to the wedding and also during the ceremony. I hope to remind him about this as well.

[Truebody]

you look amazing ..... don't put up with that shit its phycological abuse Douchebag!!

Chris - always refreshingly honest. Love it.

Now gorgeous Nicole - time to get yourself armed with some skills to help deflect those nasty barbs and comments. Get thee to a counsellor who can give you some tips tricks on how not to let that stuff in. You can only ever change yourself and wish someone else would do the same - but wishing doesn't get you anywhere. So how are you handling it? I agree that some men cannot cope with the change and your determination to change yourself and the lengths you've gone to do it would be frightening him greatly. You have upset the status quo. I'm no expert, but I would imagine he will be feeling less needed in the relationship as you are determined to manage for yourself. Again no expert but I think sometime if you do the opposite to what you'd instinctively do - so back to him with love, kindness etc. and not getting (justifiably) angry at him will unnerve him and perhaps allow him to see his actions from arms length.
Think BIG baby and you might be on the right track. Think TANTRUM and you may be getting close.

Just a suggestion, based on experience. I lost a bunch of weight (since put back on), got fit, made friends, did a course AND he took up with a woman 20 years his junior who is so demanding that he doesn't have anytime to himself. He is as happy as a clam because it is obvious he is needed.

[GA400]

Thank you everyone for the encouraging words & wisdom. Thank you Rich for the revisit to the scripture you quoted! Our minister focused on that scripture during our counseling prior to the wedding and also during the ceremony. I hope to remind him about this as well.

Nicole, I would encourage you to have this discussion with your husband after considering that it is very likely that he is in fact feeling panicked about losing you or not being good enough anymore. For the male psyche and ego, this is a very hard thing to admit and he will likely deny it or divert the discussion in some way. It is very likely that he is even denying it to himself and covering up with some sort of male machismo or bravado. If you still have contact with the minister that performed your ceremony, you may want to talk to him about it and how to broach the subject in a way that leads to a conversation and not a fight. Alternatively, a therapist or counselor may be able to help you with advice on how to have this discussion in a healthy way that has a good chance of moving past this stage.

Hope that helps,

Rich

[GA400]

Thank you everyone for the encouraging words & wisdom. Thank you Rich for the revisit to the scripture you quoted! Our minister focused on that scripture during our counseling prior to the wedding and also during the ceremony. I hope to remind him about this as well.

Nicole, I would encourage you to have this discussion with your husband after considering that it is very likely that he is in fact feeling panicked about losing you or not being good enough anymore. For the male psyche and ego, this is a very hard thing to admit and he will likely deny it or divert the discussion in some way. It is very likely that he is even denying it to himself and covering up with some sort of male machismo or bravado. If you still have contact with the minister that performed your ceremony, you may want to talk to him about it and how to broach the subject in a way that leads to a conversation and not a fight. Alternatively, a therapist or counselor may be able to help you with advice on how to have this discussion in a healthy way that has a good chance of moving past this stage.

Hope that helps,

Rich

[Truebody]

Hi. Sorry. What a bummer to deal with when what you need is support. I hope his attitude changes. I am going to give my hubby an extra hug and kiss tonight for being so supportive. Good luck to you!!

You know it is a bummer - but I'm getting the idea that our gorgeous Nicole is not buckling under this pressure that has got to be planned (unconsciously) to undermine her efforts.
So Nicole, vent away to us, you will get honest heartfelt thoughts and responses and you take from that what appeals and leave the stuff that doesn't. This may be a change in your relationships that makes you a better person. Again, you can only change yourself.
Thinking good things of support for you.

[inspired4success]

Thank you Jen, you are the best!

[MomMaestra]

Hang in there and keep doing what you know is right. Make your "voice" louder than his in your brain. You CAN do this and it will be because of you and the strength God give you, not him. Don't do it for spite, do it for your health.

[curlyme]

I hope you can find peace in your relationship!
Maybe you can get him to admit what is bothering him and actually talk about it! Instead of the silly/mean/insensitive behavior! i think he
is afraid of losing you and cannot admit it! Reassure him that you are not going anywhere...see what that does!
Sending you positive vibes! Be strong girl!! HUGS!

[Judybird]

I have read of several spouses like yours. I would not tolerate it. However, I would address it. I am sure he feels rather insecure at the moment. Your looking hotter then he has acknowledged in years and he probably fears that you have options. I imagine though it sounds rather illogical he thinks if he keeps you down he keeps you. As if you have been with him for xx years because you had no options.

I would consider strongly asking him about it. perhaps go to counseling to discuss. for if it continues he will drive you towards what is probably his biggest fear...you walking away.

VERY well said, James! Great insight. I would add Nicole, that maybe some separation would be good for both of you. For him, to experience missing you, and for you, to see how great life can be without such a dick in your life.

[Judybird]

This doesn't sound like a new problem. It just sounds like you are finally getting to know the real guy you married. I've been married for 30 years and my husband has never made me feel bad about being fat either. He's supportive about the surgery and just wants me to be happy. We have issues like everyone else, but they don't center around our egos...for the most part. I just hate to hear when a spouse uses his/her position to make you feel "less than"...I noticed that a lot of men came out of the woodwork on this one. I find that interesting and I think they have much to offer in the way of advice. Best of luck. My advice, which may not be popular, but is what I would do, would be to enjoy a lovely vacation apart to re-evaluate the depth of my feelings. Things look clearer from a distance sometimes.

[Delores512]

I agree with so many, he sounds very insecure and change is hard for him. Anything that you do that looks like you are improving yourself is a threat to him. I agree with James. Have a talk with him in a way that asks him why he says the things he says and let him know they are quite hurtful. You might even think about asking the questions and ask him to not answer right away but think about them for a day or so so he isn't just answering them off the cuff.

Good Luck. When people feel threatened they do/say that darnest things.