One year and a half post op . . . and terrified.

[Roman]

I haven't been on here in a while and, honestly, I'm kind of scared and ashamed of posting now. I had my surgery a little over a year and a half ago and lost 120pounds and never felt better. It was AMAZING and now, I'm scared shitless that I'm on my way to falling back into my old habits. You see, it's much easier to eat now than it was initially. I can eat ANYTHING in small amounts and can pretty much graze all day on very bad things. I'm finding myself drifting back into the addiction again and, like I said, I am terrified of the thought.

Fast food.
Sweets.
Mini-binges.
I'm doing it all right now.

I knew from the beginning that this wasn't a magical fix and in the last six months I've bounced up and down within a ten pound range. I haven't gone too far off the beaten path, but I know I have to do something severe or I'll be back where I started . . . even though there's a part of me that refuses to believe I could ever let that happen.

In short, I'm desperate for help and don't really know where to turn. I had the surgery and still have weight to lose, but am still addicted to food. I just want it to end and feel completely helpless against it.

Thanks,

Roman

[Truebody]

Get yourself to a therapist who specialises in addiction and self sabotage.
You've come along way but the threat and the terror are in your head. This is what needs dealing with. The sleeve will help, but it will not stop what goes in your mouth - you control that.
Come on, buck up and really face those demons.
Wishing you only good things.

[niamh]

wise words, Jen.

[Grace]

Hi Roman! First off (((Roman)))
Ok. I hear you. I was sleeved 6 wks after you and am facing the same issues complicated for the last 3 mo by a bad gallbladder which is making it very hard to eat right. Carbs go down easier. So I ate carbs. And gained back 10 lbs. And like you, I said Whoa! and you know what?
You did good to notice. The ones who notice are the ones who stay the course better. It's the ones who don't weigh themselves, ignore it and just call it quits who need more help than we do.
Been doing lots of reading and psych work on this. And from that I can pass along some thoughts.

Ghrehlin stays away for a while but does come back eventually, though not as strongly. And that's ok. Our brains need ghrelin and we can work around it. Our best weapon against the bad (hunger) effects of it is our old friend protein.
If you do nothing else but to eat a protein snack instead of a carb snack, that's a great direction to go in. I'm using quest bars for this at the moment because I can have one in my purse and eat half of it if I really am drawn to the drive through, or heaven forbid, the donut shop. (Don't even drive through there for coffee/tea is my motto, it's too easy to add something)

I can't say if this is true for you but part of why I got complacent is because I am not happy with where my weight loss ended. I see you saying you have more to go as well. You have been very successful! You dropped over 75% of your excess weight. Now, you might be able to drop more, but this just might be your setpoint. We all have one. It's determined by genetics, past dieting, glucose intolerance, insulin resistance and metabolism. (and probably other things I don't know about). Some of us may/will need to accept that our final weight on this journey is not going to be what we hoped for. We aren't the folks who breeze (with work) past their goals and end up smaller than expected. That's not us.
Accepting that 245 may well be your set point may really help you. Because the harder you fight to lose more weight and the more you see it not happening, the more stressed out and defeated you may feel. Stress = cortisol, which holds onto fat like crazy. Defeated = why bother? I'll have those french fries because heck if I'm not going to get to goal I'm a loser and just...whatever.
So, maybe work on just being Roman at 245. Realize that 245 is successful and when you see yourself getting 5-10 lbs max above that, hit the protein hard, drink water, suck it up and drop those few lbs. Then just work on maintaining, which is, for folks like us, always going to be a rinse and repeat version of above. We're going to slip up a gain a few lbs. It's who we are. It's the stopping at a few lbs and taking it back off that matters. But more than that, it's not feeling as though we are fighting a losing battle. You WON the battle Roman! You dropped 113 lbs off of your body. How much of that 45 lbs more you wanted to drop is extra skin? Take that into account as well, ok?

So, in a nutshell - congrats for the weight loss. Congrats on catching yourself eating badly for your body and coming for help. Now, take the steps you know are needed, clean out the house and the car of junk and still eat, but reach for the protein first, always. Binging on protein? Not so bad for you

I'm dealing with some med stuff at the moment but feel free to PM me if you need something. There are physiological as well as psychological reasons this happens. It's not weakness on your part, it's a primal urge to regain that weight. So it's up to you to just watch it, and stop it when you see it, and if you just can't make yourself not go through the drive through - get something not so bad for you. Wendy's chili comes to mind.

[juniper]

you are just a little bit away from being under 200 lbs~ you can do this!
restart your engines. go on a protein shake diet for 2 weeks, then start
eating healthy and sticking to it! walk every day you will love yourself again
in just a couple of weeks! remember how that felt when loosing all that weight?

[aboutime4me]

I know dealing with real long term weight loss is a concern for many, if not most of us post surgery. In the beginning we're walking the straight and narrow and then as time goes by it's easy to slip into old thinking and patterns of behavior. Don't beat yourself up too much. It's great you're recognizing it and are willing to do something about it right now.
Besides perhaps finding a therapist to talk over things with, how about coming to the forum here each day. It's a great resource for support and also for YOU to give advice. I find when I'm giving advice and sharing my experience it helps me stay more honest too with myself. Also, perhaps you could jump start your whole thinking and your body again with the 5 day pouch test. It takes you back to basics, from what I understand, and will put you on the good path.
This is a life long journey for all of us here and there will be times when we'll do better than others...it's natural. I don't know of anyone who has ever really conquered an addiction without backsliding from time to time. It's a process and that's really what our lives are...a learning from one thing to another.
Wishing you all the very best and keep us posted with how things go. We're here to lend our support, always!

[Camscrib20]

Glad to see this is a real problem because I feel the same way and there aren't a lot of posts out there from people a yr and a half out so ive been looking thru very easy to pick up old habits I have pretty much maintained and if I stay where I am even though id like to get under 200 I really am ok feel great just need to pull back the reins and remember what I went thru to get here and never go back to the sad unhealthy girl I was before this journey good luck hope ur hanging in there im hoping to get some motivation its been a long time since ive checked into this site...

[Rose69]

Very well put Grace! Congrats on where you've gotten!

[Rose69]

Roman,
That is one of my biggest fears. I'm 6 and a half months out and sometimes I feel myself wanting to eat something yummy from my past. What I feel works with me is exercise. I go to the gym every day either before or after work. That usually keeps me motivated to stick with a healthy eating pattern. I also have a treadmill at home and those days where temptation really hits I get on the treadmill. after 20 or 30 minutes craving are gone. I recommend you to try it, it really works for me. Best of Luck, stay strong!