I am a mess- and overwhelmed! HELP

[DomiJ]

I am a bit embarrassed, but I need to vent I guess because I feel so lost....

I am feeling so overwhelmed by this surgery and diet- I have fallen completely off track, Im eating things I know Im not supposed to- diet or surgery wise. I have gone from "just tasting" things to eating them until Im full- even though thats not much, its still bad choices. I feel mentally drained and I think of food ALL DAY- like an internal arguement with myself over what to eat and what not to, then guilt follows, then tears.

I never thought I had a food addiction, even though I am obese, my perception was very jaded. It wasnt until this surgery that I realized how much I am addicted to food- and every time I say it, type it, or think it- I cry. I never thought Id be sad because I cant eat or drink for that matter in the amounts I used to. I NEVER imagined losing food would make me miserable.

Previous to my surgery I did NO counseling, NO preparing- hell, I barely did the pre op diet. From the time I had my first consultation visit until my actual surgery day I only lost about 9 pounds. I was no where near mentally ready for this.

I HATE the thought of eating now, it consumes me, Im always thinking of food and how I can make this work.
Today, I broke down. I lost it. Tears, sobbing, I didnt get out of bed. I found an OA meeting in my area to go to tomorrow and I have a Dr. visit scheduled.

I want to be successful at this- I see so many of you doing so well, and becoming a better you- I want that for myself and for my family. At this point I feel like a total and complete failure- I feel pathetic. I feel like the fat will win- AGAIN.

Everyday I wake up and I plan on starting over- yet I end up feeling like I am losing this fight. Im not sure what to do next- how to lift myself up and get on the right path. How to believe in ME. I cannot believe that these thoughts are in my head- Ive never felt like this before.

I always was upbeat and positive- now I feel this icky mess of emotions all the time. I keep saying to myself "get it together", but I cant seem to find my happy place lately.

I still dont regret this surgery, I just regret not being prepared, and not knowing what my issues were BEFORE I did this.

[LongBeach]

Wow... are you still losing weight? I see you have already lost quite a bit. You should be proud of that weight loss. It's only been slightly over a month! What is it that you are eating and how much are you eating?

The first thing I would do is go see a counselor at your hospital provider. You are in real need of it.

Then, you need to remember not to kick yourself for having a small taste of something delicious now and then. I'm sure it won't kill you to eat a bit of ice cream or something so long as you keep your calories at or near 1200. Also, when is it that you are eating? Are you working? Are you working out?

[Janese58]

This kind of depression can overwhelm you. Dont let it. The first 6 weeks can be pretty tough, not being to eat when you are sad, happy, mad etc is hard to adjust to. Alot of people go thru this at first. Realize you are in mourning over your loss of food. It will pass. You just have to see it for what it is....your first step toward a healthier way of living. Its a struggle but you just have to ride it out. For some of us food is a 24 hour mind controlling game. Now what do you do with all that free time? I choose to work more hours taking up a part time job....even after all this time I still dont worry about my next meal...its a nice feeling to finally live for something other than whats to eat? I promise it gets better!

[GA400]

Dominique,
So sorry that you are going through this. I know you are feeling like a failure, but do not forget, you did it! You were brave enough to step up and do the surgery, and your ticker in your signature shows that you have lost 29 lbs already! You say you are eating the wrong things - so you do know what the right choices are, and the surgery will limit your intake by sheer volume. Ok, maybe you didn't make the best choices today or yesterday or the day before - but the sun sets tonight and tomorrow is a clean slate, and the day after and the day after.... You need to succeed for YOU, and your doctor and all of us want you to succeed too. Hang in there and do the things you know you need to do to be proud of yourself!

Rich

[bigguy]

Thanks for being open about this as I am in the pre surgery diet and hating it.

Can I ask, do you think you might have been expecting too much from the surgery so your hopes are way too high. Perhaps the best solution might be just to have a few things you like, and get back to enjoying your food, and then take a longer term view to weight loss. It will happen, but you might be going to extremes and the solution could be to just relax a little, enjoy your life and let it happen over time. At least you cannot pig out now, so thats good, so eating a little of the foods you like would not be such a bad thing?

I really appreciate that you have posted about this as I agree most of the posts are positive and its easy to feel like we need to live up to some really high standard. Everyone is different and it must be hard to post about a hard time when everyone else seems to be doing so well.

This is the place though, as here everyone has been though it and I feel so much better having this community around to help. I have the same worries.

[DomiJ]

Thank you for the kind words of encouragement. I have not stalled in my weight loss yet, however Im just eating regular food- Im not supposed to be eating anything yet- I was just cleared for soft foods.

I am an at home mom right now- we moved to CA from CO 6 months ago- so Im adjusting to not working and no close by friends.

Yesterday I had 2 chicken wings, a brownie bite, and about 1/2 cup of 7 layer dip with maybe 6 chips (over the course of the game). I didnt have breakfast at all. ALL BAD. People dont really accomodate at super bowl parties. I should have took my own food. lol

On a regular day I start out with about 1 cup of a protein smoothie or a scrambled egg.
then, lunch is usually chili or chicken salad (homemade with all the low fat/sodium ingredients)
I snack on cheese or a couple saltines... crackers....bad.

Dinner is whatever I cook for my family only small spoonfuls.

I drink water and crystal light. I have been snacking on popcorn quite a bit- for some reason I can eat a whole microwave bag of it.

Aside from the brownie bite I had a scoop of vanilla ice cream. Im not too big on sweets- Im a salty crunchy type.

I need to find something to do- Im home all the time. maybe that will help.

[DomiJ]

Thanks for being open about this as I am in the pre surgery diet and hating it.

Can I ask, do you think you might have been expecting too much from the surgery so your hopes are way too high. Perhaps the best solution might be just to have a few things you like, and get back to enjoying your food, and then take a longer term view to weight loss. It will happen, but you might be going to extremes and the solution could be to just relax a little, enjoy your life and let it happen over time. At least you cannot pig out now, so thats good, so eating a little of the foods you like would not be such a bad thing?

I really appreciate that you have posted about this as I agree most of the posts are positive and its easy to feel like we need to live up to some really high standard. Everyone is different and it must be hard to post about a hard time when everyone else seems to be doing so well.

This is the place though, as here everyone has been though it and I feel so much better having this community around to help. I have the same worries.

I think I did have very high expectations. Its only a tool- we are the force that makes the tool work- and if youre not ready for that its a hard hard thing.

[lcw704]

Hey Dominique,

As Bigguy said- thanks so much for Sharing- it is so nice to see vulnerability and brutal honesty in the middle of what sometimes can feel fake or unattainable (but it very much is possible)! I have had an eating addiction for years and did not know just how much it impacted my life until this Very Strict Pre-op diet I am on (2 weeks- 1200 Calories- One 450 calorie meal of specified food a day- no fruit, jello, pudding, starches, caffeine, sugar.. you get the point.. needless to say it's been what has seemed to be a never ending nightmare!) I am happy to say I am on day 13 (and since its evening I'll go ahead an say I am on day 14 ... because it helps to know there is an end in sight - about 24 hours until surgery)! I have lost 13 lbs - which is a first success for me since I have never been very successful with weight watchers etc.. Anyway- I just want to say that I feel what you feel. At first- I was terrified that I would end up hating myself for taking away the one go-to (and instant) fix that I had to take away my pain. But the truth is girl- breaking our bond with food and what it actually does to us mentally (traps us in a downward spiral) is the reason I am getting this surgery in the first place. I know you want to feel freed from the mental agony of this, Hell- I want it almost as much as I want to be skinny! I just want you to remember- One day at a time (sometimes I even take it 5 minutes at a time, and then I got to thirty, and so on..).

[LisaI]

dominique...although you may not be making the perfect choices, you are FAR FAR FAR from failing. did you sit down and eat candy bars or doughnuts every time you could squeeze one in? did you graze continuously all day on bad for you foods? no i doubt that you did. you have lost the right amount of weight so far...you said yourself you have not stalled. it's not too late for you to get yourself on track, i doubt you will go back to soft foods only if you are able to handle solids fine....but make healthy choices and don't overeat. you can do this

[Munchkin]

It is not too late to get yourself mentally ready for this potential life changing tool. It is up to you. Don't give up and don't beat yoursellf up. We all slip once in a while.

Does your surgeon have a support group that you can go to? Also a referal to a therapist. It sucks to lose our best friend (food). You never knew how much you rely on it until you can't have it.

Reach out to your NUT and surgeon. Get some help. Structure your meals. Eat 3 to 5 times a day. But no snacking between meals. Yes, I can eat lots of popcorn too. It scared me. I told my NUT, she said it is because it is really small once you chewed it. And I am supposed to eat protein first in each meal so that I can feel full.

[tawny]

Great idea to go to OA, or get yourself a therapist. This is a serious mind challenge, a whole new way of eating, and coping, and feeling, and filling our time. Don't beat yourself up that this is hard. Even if you entered it not quite ready, you're still in it and you're doing it! Kudos to you for being so honest and open with others - that will be so helpful for you in hard times. Good luck, keep with it!

[Lucci]

Hey Dominique, Thanks for the post. I know what you mean. This is a mental battle for sure. The portion control aspect has been taken care of for us, now it's all about our mindset to be successful. I learn more about myself everyday. I am 8 weeks out now and am just learning the ropes for myself. I think you have done great! I am so impressed you are going to an OA meeting, what a HUGE step for you. I can understand how challenging it would be for you in a new state with no support system. Maybe you just need to establish a routine, maybe getting yourself and the kids out of the house and go to the park, go on walks together, go to a movie together, whatever. OA may be a great place to meet a friend! It would be nice if your husband could give you a few evenings off so you could go work out a few evenings when you are cleared. Just throwing a few ideas at you. I hope it helps. I'm proud of you for being honest and confronting it head on. I think you will be fine.

[ScarlettO]

Definitely remember the small victories. Remember that you are aware that you are making choices. That you know which choices are not "helping" your weight loss. This surgery is a forever step and forever is a long time. You did not fall in love with your food over night or with one miracle step. You are not going to fall out of love with it any quicker. Be gentle with yourself and remember that each choice is a new step. Not all our steps will take us forward but we must sometimes go back a step to see our way forward. Be patient with yourself!!
I am so glad that you wrote your post, thank you as I am feeling a lot the same way. I really do hate having to think about food so very much. I feel like I can't eat anything with out some sort of consequence. But we can do this, one moment at a time, one choice at a time, one shared post at a time. <3

[Msvetrn]

I don't know...your "REGULAR DAY" of food sounds ok to me. So what-you have a cracker? You cant STOP LIVING! I am the salty/crunchy type, too and I have never STOPPED eating salty/crunchy stuff. Just do it in moderation and after you have had your protein. A brownie bite? IT WAS A SUPER BOWL PARTY!
You have had a lot of changes over the last six months...its all coming down on you now. Hang in there...get counseling..find a WLS support group...be good to yourself. Relax. You are putting too much pressure on yourself. Have fun with this. I laugh everyday at how ridiculous it all has been from the minute I stepped on the plane to go to Mexico to today! Today, I ordered a grilled cheese combo at the mall for me and my granddaughter to share. For SOME reason, the guy gave me TWO grilled cheese sandwiches. WHY? That would have NEVER happened before the sleeve. I ate 1/4 of it. My granddaughter didnt want any of it. She drank the juice. I had about 12 FF's. So the other 3/4's and all the FF went in the trash. I just thought it was so funny that he gave me two sandwiches. Maybe I looked like I needed them? haha! Who knows? I swear, everyday something makes me laugh about this whole journey. Stay positive. You will do great!

[Truffles]

You also might want to consider going on anti-depressants for awhile. I started taking them about half a year before my surgery because I was in such a low place. The anti-depressants brought me to a place where I could function and make proper choices. Even though I am feeling fine now, I'm still planning on staying on them until my weight stabilizes.

We are putting our bodies through the wringer right now, and that includes hormone changes (all that fat-stored estrogen is being released and who knows what else). All these changes will affect our emotions and self-control. Anti-depressants can help stabilize you so you have one less thing on your plate.

If you end up on them, it will take a couple of weeks for you to start feeling better. Just like the sleeve, anti-depressants are a tool, not a magic fix. FWIW, the one I take is Pristiq.

I hope you can overcome this hurdle and try to stop sabotaging yourself. Even if you just allow yourself one "bad" food a day, that might help you stay focused the rest of the day. If that works, stick with it for a few weeks, then wean yourself off that daily "bad" food, to every other day, then every 3 days, and so on. Within 3 or 4 months, you'll be fully in control, and have those types of food once in a blue moon AND without guilt. Don't let the guilt rule you.