I think I figured out why the 190s are bothering me so much

[cowgirljane]

I started this journey at 308, so I have been as excited as all get out with pretty much any weight under 250! I have been liberated, I can do so many things now after losing nearly 120# and have shared many times on here about that excitement.

I have been puzzled why I suddenly feel "fat" again and frankly a bit discouraged. Yes, the weight loss has slowed down, but i knew that would happen so it seemed strange it should bother me so much. Then it hit me why this is getting under my skin - it is for historical reasons.

I have been bouncing around 191-193 range for quite awhile. I realized that back in the mid 1980s, when I was in college, my weight hit nearly 200#. That was so outside of anything I could consider normal, I actually thought I would kill myself if I ever hit 200#. Instead, I got fit and got my weight down to the 140s which never seemed thin to me, but was at least not hugely fat. I have to say though, at the time, weighing in the 190s, I felt like the fattest woman who ever walked the earth. I can remember being ashamed to even look a store clerk in the eye, I imagined everyone was thinking how awful I looked.

Well, fast forward a few decades and I realize what an idiot I was - yeah, I am overweight, but for my frame, the 190s is heavy, but not like the half ton woman you see on TV. I wear a size 14 now and even a few 12s (thanks to vanity sizing) which is not so far outside of normal. Even if I did look like the half ton woman, that is not a good reason to beat yourself up or carry this overwhelming shame like I did in those days.

Somehow, without realizing it, I was bringing up some of the old thought patterns and feelings of shame from my youth. I actually feel fatter at 191 then I did when I weighed say 205, which is totally ridiculous as I wear a smaller size now then I did earlier in the year at 205. I KNOW I have made great progress, I KNOW I look pretty normal, I KNOW I am much fitter and can workout and stuff like other people my age. I may know it, but don't always "feel" it.

I am not sure that I have solved this, but at least knowing where that feeling and that sense of not seeing things realistically came from, I have a starting point for solving it.

[Letizia81]

I think you've done amazing

[Jeannette]

Hi Jane,
I noticed some interesting similarities in our stories. I too started at 308 and my surgery date is Dec 12, 2012. I have gained and lost and gained again over decades also. I would love to be where you are. It's been a long time since I saw the 190's. I think it is good that you are recognizing your issue as being old feelings. I too think the voices in my head are going to be a big deal. After all, there are reasons we all eat. Thanks for sharing where you are and I hope we can both encourage one another. Jeannette

[WorkInProgress]

It seems that over time we self-sabbotage ourselves without even knowing it. Congratulations in discovering the mental side of it... so much of our issues with weight started in our heads... that it isn't realistic to think that these things won't come back to the surface after surgery. Things that we didn't really know were there. Congratulations on your success... the last few pounds are the hardest. You will get there!

[Dee Leshuz]

I can so relate. In my 20s 185 was the fattest I'd ever been. I got that off in a hurry. Next time it wasn't so traumatizing, in my 30s, cuz I got to 238, which was horrifying! The 40s, 255. I'm so glad I was able to reverse that trend, I hope, forever!

Now the 190s are about Onederland and being on the way to being "thin". Where I am now I feels and looks "medium" even though I technically still wear a large.

[KennetteW]

I'm doing well and I've lost almost 30 lbs. The funny part is for my until I hit 195 or under, I won't feel like I've lost anything. I was 195 a little over 2 years ago and ballooned back up to 252. So right now, I feel like I'm just going through the motions and I'm not really losing anything until I get there. I know I am, but I don't feel accomplished until I get under 190. I know I need to just keep plugging away, but it's rough mentally sometimes.

[pack89]

OH those deep seeded evil mental monsters!! Jane, at least you have brought yours out of the closet and can begin to kill that little bast**d!! I'm sure I've got my own food demons that will rear their ugly heads, and I hope that when that time comes, I can rid myself of them as well. I KNOW I'm an emotional eater, always have been, so sometimes I have to fight hard to control that little bugger. Even on the days it gets the best of me, I try not to have more than a bite or 2 of that comfort food I'm craving. Like half a cookie, or a tiny piece of brownie. So far, just the bite, had been enough for me to move on. It also helps for me to read a book or to get on here. It might sound kind of bad, but when I get on here, I find out my problems aren't so bad after all. I am so thankful for this site, as this is the best support system I could have found. Nobody, other than other WLS patients, could possibly understand what we go through.

[B-rizzle]

BAck in 2009 I went from 362 down to 236. It felt great to be that weight because I remember being 230 in the 9th grade. Currently I'm 267 (down from 342) and I won't feel like I'm back on track till I'm down to 235. I have pics from my lowest weight, and I can tell you I'm definitely not there yet!

[cowgirljane]

Just thought I would update you that I finally found the 180s! 189.2 to be precise, but I was thinking I would never see the 180s as I have been in this "decade" since early September. Looking at it in hindsight, losing 5 pounds a month is pretty normal for someone who is further out like I am.... but i liked it better when I lost more like 10-15 a month! LOL

Anyway, everybody, lets just keep on working the sleeve it is easy to get discouraged but time passes whether we are losing, gaining or maintaining - our choice of how to spend that time!