Dating after surgery.....Still so many insecurities. Is this happening to ya'll?

[Saintsfan4life]

I'm newly single and my sister wants me to meet this guy. I'm having doubts though because I have been treated so badly by guys and I'm still feel like I'm going to get rejected for being the fat chick. I have lost 90lbs in 6 months. I feel great but still have so many insecurities. She sent me a picture(he's hot) and she has showed him a head shot of me and told him about me. I worried about a couple of things...1. He's 20 and I'm a mature 23yr old, I have never dated someone that is younger than I am due to younger guys never accepted my weight. 2. I'm worried that he wants to just meet me as almost a favor to my older sister and I don't want to get my hopes up. A part of me is saying go for it but the other insecure part is saying he is going to be out of my league so why even bother.

Any of you have this problem and any advice??

[StephO]

I'm married, so I may not be the best person to dole out dating advice, but I can certainly understand and relate to insecurities and personal worries.

Do you WANT to start dating again? If so, my suggestion is go for it. If your expectations are low, you can't be let down. Go into it thinking you're just going to hang out with a friend for a night out. If it's better than that, great, if not, then you just hung out - no pressure! If you're not ready to start dating again, then it's okay to say no, of course.

Be proud of yourself and how far you've come!

[Grace]

Well now I haven't dated for about 12 yrs and I was 41 then but I do remember being younger
Couple of thoughts.
1. Some 20 yr old guys can be very mature...old souls as it were.
2. You don't have to marry the guy, just go have fun on a date!
3. See above...

Oh, just reread your post - it didn't even occur to me he'd be out of your league...only that you'd be out of his and be bored. Be a queen, honey and make them treat you like one!

[cycleoldlady]

Hey, go for it and have some fun. People aren't in leagues, media and insecurities lead up to believe that. We are all wonderful, go out and show this guy, and more importantly yourself, just how wonderful you are, enjoy. xxx

[BigGeorge]

I am back to dating and I'll suggest something completely different...
Even if you are mature, you are super young at 23. What's the rush? I think we need to love ourselves and the new us before opening up to getting hurt. We need to learn new ways of dealing with rejection, frustrations and anger that isn't food or other addictive/destructive behaviors. It's probably going to take us dating lots of people before we find the right match for us. That probably mean going lots of people, trail and error and making mistakes, getting our egos and hearts bruised. For me, it also means see my psychologist regularly to help me sort through the emotions that go with these issues.

Who you are today is going to be different after you have lost the rest of your goal weight. In my opinion you don't sound ready for the consequences of this not working out. I am not 'dating' but going out with friends and doing fun activities like learning to dance. Meetup.com has lots of fantastic groups that people meet to do fun things.

Good luck!!

[Trustin Sleever]

This is why I have always been opposed to set-ups and blind dates. I think arrangements like this catch BOTH parties off guard.
What works in your favor here is that you are the woman. And 23. The date only happens if you want it.
If you do, have fun, and don't EVER think about where it's going or whether HE wants to see you again. It's just a date.

[niamh]

I feel as though blind dates are not a great way to start if you're not feeling confident. If the first contact you have with someone is a date, there's a sense in which you're both assessing each other, and you gotta be ok with the possibility that he is not attracted to you (either physically or personality-wise). There's nothing wrong with someone not finding us attractive, but it can be hard to take when we're feeling vulnerable.

If you're not feeling strong enough for that possibility (and there have certainly been points in my life where that's been true for me) then I'd suggest more that you meet people (men and women) through mutual activities and friends, and see if romance grows from an acquaintance or friendship in a more natural and low pressure environment.

[molitorr]

I'd say go and have fun if you want to. Nothing wrong with that. But on the other hand, I know where you're coming from. I've been starting to try getting out. Working on meeting people and moving on with my life. At the same time, my sister-in-law has been trying to set me up with someone she knows, and for some reason, it just doesn't feel right. For now though, getting back and just opening up and talking with someone new I've met has made me feel better, even though I know it's not a situation with her to move past friends. I guess for me, it's just getting to feeling better about myself for now.

[cowgirljane]

If it were me, I would consider holding off on the whole dating thing. Losing 90 pounds in 6 months is a real head trip - at least I think so = and can leave people vulnerable.

There was someone I met who had WLS many years ago, had never really dated before losing weight and just as she was close to goal started seeing someone. She wasn't experienced with dating so quickly got sucked into a relationship that put her weightloss on hold - and she eventually wound up regaining. The relationship didn't last - and the weight came back. I always remember that story - we need to be sure to keep ourselves and our health as a top priority and not be confused by other drama in our lives.

so, if you feel like you can date and not let it mess with your head - cool, have fun.
If it were me, I would want more time.

[isandie]

just think of it as practice go have fun!

[coloredgem23]

I am not trying to offend anyone at all, but I am a bit of an ageist in regards to younger men like that. Most guys in that age group just dont seem to be looking for the same thing that women in that age group are. nuff said there.

Now, you being insecure.....well missy I gotta tell ya...you are a very pretty girl. Not all guys need to have the stick thin women, so If you arent where you would like to be, he could just think you are perfect. If he is going on this date as a favor, that would hurt my feelings too, so go into with the expectation only that you are meeting a new friend.

And that whole idea of "he is out of your leauge"....it a realistic notion that we all have to face but dont let it scare you away from a potentially great thing. A super hot guy may have just as many insecurities as us heavier women. The bueaty in your face and heart can easily surpass the bueaty of a womans body that never had weight issues.

Good Luck with whatever you decide.

[leesooim]

I'm newly single and my sister wants me to meet this guy. I'm having doubts though because I have been treated so badly by guys and I'm still feel like I'm going to get rejected for being the fat chick. I have lost 90lbs in 6 months. I feel great but still have so many insecurities. She sent me a picture(he's hot) and she has showed him a head shot of me and told him about me. I worried about a couple of things...1. He's 20 and I'm a mature 23yr old, I have never dated someone that is younger than I am due to younger guys never accepted my weight. 2. I'm worried that he wants to just meet me as almost a favor to my older sister and I don't want to get my hopes up. A part of me is saying go for it but the other insecure part is saying he is going to be out of my league so why even bother.

Any of you have this problem and any advice??

Honestly, it doesn't sound like you're ready for this to me just based on what you've said in this post alone. How "newly single" are you? For me personally, I needed quite a bit of time in between relationships before playing the field again.

At 20 years old, the majority of guys DO tend to be pretty immature still. 19 and 20 aren't exactly far apart. I think if you want to just go out and have a good time and try not to worry about whether or not this will turn into a relationship, it will probably be a good social experiment for you. You're not obligated to fall into a steady relationship with this guy immediately, after all. If you feel you're at least ready to meet him, then once you've met and hung out you can assess whether or not he would be a good choice for you, and since you're still working on YOU whether or not he'd be the kind of person you want to open up about your surgery to.

As for insecurities after surgery... I'm definitely still working on the head stuff. I will probably be working on that for a good long while. It just takes time to be comfortable in our own skins, and having major weight loss doesn't always mean we immediately see the new girl in the mirror.

[shubair]

man I know what u mean about "the head stuff" what we all do to ourself. I thought about getting out and meeting someone again, recently, however I realised Im not ready. I am losing weight and I still dont see it!!! My friends all say Ilook good theycan see it, but I cant. That tells me my body image of myself sucks and until I can be happy of who I am dating is out

[kierasaurus]

I'd say go for it, but dont' get your expectations up!

Not all guys that age are immature, my guy is the same age as me 21 (also in great shape AND very hot) and he understands what I'm going through and is supportive.

You never know unless you try Not every guy out there is an asshole, and not every guy wants a "skinny" girl. Maybe he will surprise you and be supportive and be interested!

[Desert Angel]

I say go for it, you never know......don't judge someone before you know them, we should all know that from our experiences with our weight!