Off Topic Valentine's Day gripe

[ShrinkingViolet]

Chew nice and slow with the salad - 6 months out and that's one thing I still have trouble with. Try the flounder, maybe some sort of well-cooked green veggie. Eat nice and slow and enjoy it, and take the leftovers home! Have a great Valentine's Day!

[UK Tim]

As has been said, you need to communicate better. Give him a sh!t sandwich.

First, say you appreciate the thought. Then, say that actually it doesn't work for you; explain why; the money issue makes it worse. Conclude by thanking him for his interest in your health and wellbeing. Suggest you talk together about everything before you do anything in future. That way you will avoid misunderstandings.

Actually, no, you are not being a b!tch. Yes, you have every reason to feel offp!!$$ed. And yes, he hasn't make the radical thought changes necessary. Indeed, some might call him an arsehole. But not all men are like that...

[Cjaqtt]

Even my 10 year old said he's in the dog house. That was incredibly selfish of him! I'm 2 an half months out an my husband was like "duh,even I know not to do that.". I suggest your husband get his head checked quick, cause your gonna drop weight like nothing he has ever seen. An TRUST me other people are going to start noticing you an it won't take long for someone else to be doing sweet things an thinking of you.
It's something you want to talk to him about. It's important to you an if you are important to him, he would do well to hear you, now, before it gets bad.

[cab1965]

I can imagine how frustrated you are with him...doing a seemingly insensitive thing for Valentine's Day! And you're not out of line in your feelings but a close friend shared an insight with me recently that might help..."we judge others by their actions and we judge ourselves by our intentions". I think that is true for most of us. We tend to give ourselves the benefit of the doubt but don't do that for others.

I know this is true because sometimes I find that when I've condemned my husband for being an inconsiderate jerk, I find out what he "intended" and I'm surprised to learn that he was trying to make me smile. Of course, you know your husband better than any of us. Just trying to be an encourager!

Happy Valentines Day!!!

[stephintexas]

Well, this wasn't a great V day. The thing I found most interesting is that I felt more comfortable sharing my feelings here than with him. That's a red flag.

I decided not to go. He called me a f'ing ungrateful B****. I lol'd. I mean I knew the B**** thing was coming and I guess that's why I asked...am I being a b****? I anticipated the accusation. My feelings were invalidated, I'm the bad guy, he's the victim and I'm just a b****.

This isn't really about V day. As I lose weight, I find myself less tolerant of crap. It's not that I think "fat" people deserve less, I guess I just decided that "fat" me deserved less.

[Theresa]

You didnt even make an effort to go with him and try to have a good time?

[stephintexas]

No, I had talked to him about it earlier and he was fine. I guess he was saving it until he got home.

[jdavido]

So my husband, who has never ever scheduled a Valentine's day event, surprised me with a dinner tonight on the lake. Yep, a 100$ each dinner with complimentary wine and beer. Um, I JUST had beriatric surgery five weeks ago. I can't drink wine or beer. I can't eat anything on the menu. It's steak (which I can't have yet), salad, asparagus, new potatoes and chocolate covered strawberries. He used a credit card which means I will end up paying for it. So basically I paid 200$ plus tax to watch him eat and drink alcohol while i eat 1/2 cup of new potatoes.

I'm irritated because I feel he wasn't even thinking of me. I feel like I'm paying for something he wanted to do and I just get to tag along and pick up the tab. I'd have been way happier with roses and a teddy bear for 75$. I didn't say anything to him but this is how I feel. There are a ton of restaurants that we could have gone to and I could have eaten something, too. This menu is pre-set and you can't pick what you want. He is well aware of what I can eat and what I can't.

Am I being a B*tch?

I don't think you're being a bitch at all! He should have been a little more considerate of your dietary needs. My wife was sleeved in December, and myself in September. She's still learning her way around food - so I cooked a romantic dinner at home so we didnt' spend a mint on food we won't eat - and it was something she could feel comfortable eating. Instead of chocolates and carbbbbs, I got her 2 dozen long stem roses delievered to the office - that should be sweeter than chocolate!

I'm sorry your V-Day sucked. Maybe when the emotions calm down, have a talk with him and explain to him how it made you feel. Men are quite oblivious to anything other than sex, sports and sandwiches - so you may have to draw him a picture, do an interprative dance or spell it out so he understands. I mean, yeah - he thought of doing something which is more than most men would - but he didn't think of what YOU'D want to do. Valentine's Day isn't for the men ... we feel special if we get a boob shot or catch you coming out of the shower. Women are different creatures - and this holiday is to give them the warm and fuzzies ... with hopes of getting a little more than a boob shot in return. The key to ANY successful marriage is COMMUNICATION ... communicate the good AND the bad. This is a learning experience for the both of you and hopefully by this time next year he won't make such a big boo boo.

[jdavido]

Well, this wasn't a great V day. The thing I found most interesting is that I felt more comfortable sharing my feelings here than with him. That's a red flag.

I decided not to go. He called me a f'ing ungrateful B****. I lol'd. I mean I knew the B**** thing was coming and I guess that's why I asked...am I being a b****? I anticipated the accusation. My feelings were invalidated, I'm the bad guy, he's the victim and I'm just a b****.

This isn't really about V day. As I lose weight, I find myself less tolerant of crap. It's not that I think "fat" people deserve less, I guess I just decided that "fat" me deserved less.

WOAH WOAH WOAH ... I don't care WHO he is ... he has NO right to call you a fucking bitch. My wife was put on this earth to enrich my life, and I was put here to enrich hers. She is on a pedestal in my eyes every single day. I wouldn't tolerate ANYONE disrespecting her and I would never dare that. You are NOT a bitch ... you are a wife of a man who thinks about his needs first ... yours second. God created Eve from Adam's rib to be is partner, his equal, his help mate. Not below him.

Sorry to go off on a rant here, but you are NOT a fucking bitch, you are a beautiful soul and deserve to feel adored and treated like a Queen ever day - not just Valentines Day - and I'd knock the shit out of him or any other man if I heard them saying that to ANY woman.

[cab1965]

Well once he drops the "f@@@ing b" line, all guessing at good intentions crap if OFF! Sorry for your crappy valentines day! You deserve a better response to your concerns. Sorry, girl.

[Theresa]

and I defended the Jerk earlier... argh!

[Dee Leshuz]

I knew it...since he had a history of buying "gifts" for "you" that were really for HIM...he needs to get his isht together or you might just find someone else who will! He's the ungrateful one...Who wouldn't like a woman who buys her own gifts and pays for your credit cards!

[connie]

Wow---I am so sorry to hear that you had a terrible day. What I heard was much pain in your heart. From what I gathered, MY OPINION and THOUGHTS-- you are hurt, you have been hurting for some time. FOR ME---I too used to accept a great deal of unacceptable behavior. For whatever reason, my weight, I didn't feel worthy---doesn't matter. Fact is that you are in emotional pain right now. For this I am so sorry, I know the feelings that you are experiencing. What I try to do on a daily basis is remind me that I am a child of God and that I am important. This did not happen over night for me---it has taken many years. Because he is your husband perhaps your boundaries have moved very slowly over time. I do not know your history---I guess what I want you to know is that you are a beautiful person, fat or skinny, no one deserves to have anyone call them names. I might suggest that when all the emotions have calmed down some, perhaps in 3 days, (that is just what I use when I am upset), you can share your feelings with him. Say what you mean but don't say it mean. As others have said---communication is so very important. MY thoughts are that he is hurting for whatever reason and usually, in my experience, hurt people hurt people. Blessings to you---Connie

[UK Tim]

Let's hear it for Joshua. You see, not all men are £^&)$.

[stephintexas]

You people are unbelievably kind and compassionate.

So here's why I think this topic is more relevant to my sleeve than I thought. My son and I (who is now 22 and back then was a teenager) used to watch Biggest Loser and he would say "Mom, why do they cry so much?" I used to wonder that myself. After I was sleeved and began the "process" of losing weight, while it was about the calories and the protein, it wasn't ALL about that. If that makes sense. It's also about the reasons I was insulating myself with 100 lbs and why I did the Scarlett O'Hara "I'll think about that tomorrow" about EVERYTHING. I have procrastinated the inevitable on so many levels.

I accepted society's label that "fat" people are second class and I attributed a lot of things in my life to that - If I were thinner, this would be different, that would be different, etc. While I believe that people do have stereotypes about weight, sometimes a jerk is just a jerk. My weight isn't really what that is about. It was much easier to say, he's a jerk because I'm fat, if I were thin it'd be different. That's a fallacy and I think as we shed weight, especially those who have shed 100+ lbs, the reality of a lot of things will bubble up. Some good, some not good. As I lose and feel empowered and deal with stuff I'd normally just shut up and smile and tolerate.