Hi, my name is Mel...and I am a fat kid!

[BBARB]

I am considered a successful and beautiful woman with a great career and life. I still look at people like they are crazy when hear this because I see myself differently. Do not get me wrong I travel as I please and get recognition from my satisfying work and still dont feel happy at all. I never ever felt good about it nor happy. from outside I come across as a confident woman (I never let my weight stop me to wear a bikini and walk straight toward the pool, did I felt good in it ? no) However over time I was becoming bigger in bigger and slowly reduced my activities, my social life, my happiness and hope for future. A film of darkness covered my life little by little in such silent way that I did not realize it. Depression was slowly entering in my life and if someone would have asked if I were depressed I would have said no, because I never felt like I was (denial, ignorance). Depression is a bad beast that slowly eat you up from the inside and make everything look gray, makes you lose prospective and makes you lose piece and bits of life. deep down I was aware of how unhappy was making me not being able to lose weight, the frustration and the hurt when another diet failed. deep down I knew that I could not be happy cause I was exponentially getting fatter in fatter and could not stop it, I felt a failure, such a failure that no other success in my life was real since I could not tackle this problem. I was a 360 failure in my own eyes, and not even aware of it. I started to be very depressed and still not recognized it. I do not even know when I stopped walking and taking cabs to get anywhere. I could not walk nowhere, did not want to. I gave up. Of course my work benefited from me not going no-where anymore, taking in all the project and bury myself in the work so not to think and face all of this. I worked like a crazy to the point that on top of everything I got burnt out and had to face finally my depression. It was November October 2010. I was not able to face the real problem yet, but at least I tackled the burnt out and started therapy. I do not know when I gave up on me, but I did and this is the worst pain ever, knowing I gave up on myself! Once I got back on my feet and solved my acute phase I had to tackle the last big beast that was eating me alive. And that was the moment in which my doc magically told me about WLS and like I never heard it before I smiled thinking about hope. Initially of course I though that I would be the only one in the world to fail WLS from the first day. At a BMI of 56 I start to have hope. Of course I knew about WLS way before then but was not in the rescue myself mode I guess. And magically start to understand at that point, at the beginning of 2012 that I was depressed about my weight and incapability to get in control of it for years and did not realized or faced it. At the time point my life turned around, my brain cleared up and that horrible weight on my heart, soul and stomach was lift up all in once. In March I start to diet timidly in preparation for the Surgery. I educated my self and started the regimen I was suppose to have after surgery. I started to walk again, I start to look for all the tools I would need later. I start to do some workout. I had surgery MAy 29th at BMI of 50 after losing 30lb. I am two months post op and I lost 34 lb more at a BMI of 44 . Still going to my therapist and still telling her I am amazed to realize how bad depressed I was. Feeling better in better. I am happy because I am taking care of myself in the proper way. the first step was accepting that it was not just me failing at this and that obesity is a crazy hard cycle to break it, that you can consider it as a disease. I read book about it and felt less of a failure. My boss is a surgeon and once I talk to him about WLS he read my shame and frustration and he told me that I do belong to 94% of people that fail medically supervised diet. I am fianlly getting out of the longest tunnel ever. I am happy cause I am not giving up on my, on my life and family. I am opening my life to the beautiful things I always had and never being able to enjoy. I still think I am not beautiful or smart, but this is the challenge of my therapist

So yes I felt like you, I did for so long that I cannot even say it out loud without bursting in tears. Still have the fear of failing this, but I will fight for it, hell yes!

[Erina]

BBarb; thank you for sharing such a heartfelt example of what you have been going through. I think the fact that you recognize the depression you were under will bring you 1/2 way to full recovery. Even though I know that it will be a lifelong struggle. I too think that I have been dealing with depression. Just this overwhelming feeling that I am missing out on full joy. I have not been overweight all my life, like Mel. It has taken me years of my adult life and a gradual progression of yo yo dieting to get to the place I am now. You know when you go out with friends and you feel like you look pretty great and everyone takes a pic together and (either post on FB) or you see it later and think Oh my goodness I do not look as good as I was feeling at all. I am surrounded by friends who are skinny, and wear adorable clothes. A couple of them own an amazing boutique full of clothes I would not be able to fit in if I wanted too, and believe me I want to. None of them understand what it is like to be in this body of mine. I worry about getting the sleeve and being thought of as taking the easy way out, but I have to remember that having gone through being overweight has truly given me a perspective that none of them will ever have. One of compassion for humanity. I know that the Lord has allowed me to gain this perspective for a reason. We have a desire to travel and go on the mission field. About 2 yrs ago I was diagnosed with Fybromyalgia and am in some pretty severe pain on top of the extra weight. I have tried many times to go on a natural foods diet and it has been so hard to stick to. I know that getting the sleeve would help me to be able to use the tool, that it is, to be able to make a lasting change. May latest attempt, which led me to this decision, was that I started Weight Watchers (again). After having gone for 2 wks I kept on seeing that 3/4 of the people at the meetings were people who had successfully taken the weight off but were back because they had gained some of it back. Some of the people had gained quite a bit back. I commend them for coming back to the one thing that helped them to take the weight off, but it really got me thinking am I going to do all this hard work to take the weight off and then be one of these people who comes back. They call it making it to lifetime and then you can go back for free anytime. I'm sorry but I do not want to do that. I want something that is going to help me to think like a skinny person does. All of this to say to your original post, Mel, yes, I completely understand what you are going through. So much so that all my thoughts are kind of in a jumbled all over the place mess. It really helps to be able to talk to a group of people who can understand what eachother is going through.

[BBARB]

BBarb; thank you for sharing such a heartfelt example of what you have been going through. I think the fact that you recognize the depression you were under will bring you 1/2 way to full recovery. Even though I know that it will be a lifelong struggle. I too think that I have been dealing with depression. Just this overwhelming feeling that I am missing out on full joy. I have not been overweight all my life, like Mel. It has taken me years of my adult life and a gradual progression of yo yo dieting to get to the place I am now. You know when you go out with friends and you feel like you look pretty great and everyone takes a pic together and (either post on FB) or you see it later and think Oh my goodness I do not look as good as I was feeling at all. I am surrounded by friends who are skinny, and wear adorable clothes. A couple of them own an amazing boutique full of clothes I would not be able to fit in if I wanted too, and believe me I want to. None of them understand what it is like to be in this body of mine. I worry about getting the sleeve and being thought of as taking the easy way out, but I have to remember that having gone through being overweight has truly given me a perspective that none of them will ever have. One of compassion for humanity. I know that the Lord has allowed me to gain this perspective for a reason. We have a desire to travel and go on the mission field. About 2 yrs ago I was diagnosed with Fybromyalgia and am in some pretty severe pain on top of the extra weight. I have tried many times to go on a natural foods diet and it has been so hard to stick to. I know that getting the sleeve would help me to be able to use the tool, that it is, to be able to make a lasting change. May latest attempt, which led me to this decision, was that I started Weight Watchers (again). After having gone for 2 wks I kept on seeing that 3/4 of the people at the meetings were people who had successfully taken the weight off but were back because they had gained some of it back. Some of the people had gained quite a bit back. I commend them for coming back to the one thing that helped them to take the weight off, but it really got me thinking am I going to do all this hard work to take the weight off and then be one of these people who comes back. They call it making it to lifetime and then you can go back for free anytime. I'm sorry but I do not want to do that. I want something that is going to help me to think like a skinny person does. All of this to say to your original post, Mel, yes, I completely understand what you are going through. So much so that all my thoughts are kind of in a jumbled all over the place mess. It really helps to be able to talk to a group of people who can understand what eachother is going through.

Erina, I am sorry you are going through such painful disease. I hear you in everything you have said.
About taking the easy way out, well any diet I did before was easier than what I am doing now. I work every second of my awake life on this. I am trying to change my brain, my lifestyle, my metabolis, my habits, while running a full life as before. I do workout everyday, I do plan my meals, I do eat 5-6 times a day, stop drinking and then remember to start again. I have to eat or drink all the time, I have to be focused on it and still do a good job in my life anyway! so the hell no it is not a way out it is a brutal intervention!!
It was the best thing I ever done to myself!

[CathyBERN]

Thank you all for sharing your stories. Surgery is NOT the easy way out, your life will never be the same again. It's not a magic get thin button, but a tool to help you work on your weight by focusing on your new way to living. I can't even make you understand how hard it is to get down 2oz of protein, to remember what you have put in your mouth.

[SongBird74]

BBarb; thank you for sharing such a heartfelt example of what you have been going through. I think the fact that you recognize the depression you were under will bring you 1/2 way to full recovery. Even though I know that it will be a lifelong struggle. I too think that I have been dealing with depression. Just this overwhelming feeling that I am missing out on full joy. I have not been overweight all my life, like Mel. It has taken me years of my adult life and a gradual progression of yo yo dieting to get to the place I am now. You know when you go out with friends and you feel like you look pretty great and everyone takes a pic together and (either post on FB) or you see it later and think Oh my goodness I do not look as good as I was feeling at all. I am surrounded by friends who are skinny, and wear adorable clothes. A couple of them own an amazing boutique full of clothes I would not be able to fit in if I wanted too, and believe me I want to. None of them understand what it is like to be in this body of mine. I worry about getting the sleeve and being thought of as taking the easy way out, but I have to remember that having gone through being overweight has truly given me a perspective that none of them will ever have. One of compassion for humanity. I know that the Lord has allowed me to gain this perspective for a reason. We have a desire to travel and go on the mission field. About 2 yrs ago I was diagnosed with Fybromyalgia and am in some pretty severe pain on top of the extra weight. I have tried many times to go on a natural foods diet and it has been so hard to stick to. I know that getting the sleeve would help me to be able to use the tool, that it is, to be able to make a lasting change. May latest attempt, which led me to this decision, was that I started Weight Watchers (again). After having gone for 2 wks I kept on seeing that 3/4 of the people at the meetings were people who had successfully taken the weight off but were back because they had gained some of it back. Some of the people had gained quite a bit back. I commend them for coming back to the one thing that helped them to take the weight off, but it really got me thinking am I going to do all this hard work to take the weight off and then be one of these people who comes back. They call it making it to lifetime and then you can go back for free anytime. I'm sorry but I do not want to do that. I want something that is going to help me to think like a skinny person does. All of this to say to your original post, Mel, yes, I completely understand what you are going through. So much so that all my thoughts are kind of in a jumbled all over the place mess. It really helps to be able to talk to a group of people who can understand what eachother is going through.

Erina. I understand completely how both you and BB feel. I am 38 years old and have been obese for 22 of those years. I have tried many different diets, have had great successes and epic failures right after, because I gained back all the weight I lost plus more. I have suffered with severe joint swelling all over my body with all over pain for about 18 years now an was not "diagnosed" until about 4 years ago with an autoimmune condition called MCTD (mixed connective tissue disease) or UCTD (Unspecified connective tissue disease). I go through "flares" that are excruciating and with the added pressure of the excess weight on my joints, ughhh, I needed an intervention. I was losing hope. I had been reseaching WLS for several years but for reasons varying from the cost(wasn't covered by insurance then) to feeling like I was giving up and taking the easy way out, to being afraid of the thought of having the band floating around in my body, to the thought of having the bypass and dying on the table, I gave up on that and decided that I can lose it by eating right and exercising. I hired a personal trainer, and was on my way, when I went into a "flare" that lasted for 4 months. I was put on steroids and had my medication changed by my Rheumatologist, wasn't able to move around much, because of the swelling in my feet, ankles, knees and legs. It was the lowest I've ever felt, and during that flare is when I made the decision to have the sleeve. I needed my life back, not just for me, but also for my 10 years old son who is dependent upon me, since I'm a single parent. I had more reasons to go for it, than reasons not to. Though it's difficult, I am glad I decided to go for it.

[louisianagirl55]

Hey Mel,

I had surgery in March and have shed quiet a few needed pounds. I've lost both of my parents and was abused as a child. Talk about depressing... Life can be that!! Thourgh the years you take blow after blow and yes as in your story my weight kept pouring on. It can make you even more misrable. I do not think
losing weight will solve all my problems just like you said having the world layed down at your feet has not made you happy. My husband and I are very blessed to travel, have healthy kids, beautiful home, sucessful businesses and much more but still the weight came on and on. One thing I have learned to lean on and again with this new tool I'm still using it.... It's the love and security of a relationship with Jesus Christ. I dont want to get preachy and I'll say right up front with Him in my life things are not perfect... far from it some days... but He is consistent and constant. The creator of the Universe loves us whether we are fluffy or slim. Through it all I have His Glory! I prayed long and hard before I got this surgery and have made up my mind that it's going to help me do ministry better and maybe I will be a more loving person along the way with a few pounds off. I don't know if any of this helps but I have sturggled with depression for many years and have found Christ to be a source of Joy I never found in FOOD!!!
take care and welcome aboard.
Buckle up it's gonna be a wild ride!!!!!!!!

[BBARB]

Erina. I understand completely how both you and BB feel. I am 38 years old and have been obese for 22 of those years. I have tried many different diets, have had great successes and epic failures right after, because I gained back all the weight I lost plus more. I have suffered with severe joint swelling all over my body with all over pain for about 18 years now an was not "diagnosed" until about 4 years ago with an autoimmune condition called MCTD (mixed connective tissue disease) or UCTD (Unspecified connective tissue disease). I go through "flares" that are excruciating and with the added pressure of the excess weight on my joints, ughhh, I needed an intervention. I was losing hope. I had been reseaching WLS for several years but for reasons varying from the cost(wasn't covered by insurance then) to feeling like I was giving up and taking the easy way out, to being afraid of the thought of having the band floating around in my body, to the thought of having the bypass and dying on the table, I gave up on that and decided that I can lose it by eating right and exercising. I hired a personal trainer, and was on my way, when I went into a "flare" that lasted for 4 months. I was put on steroids and had my medication changed by my Rheumatologist, wasn't able to move around much, because of the swelling in my feet, ankles, knees and legs. It was the lowest I've ever felt, and during that flare is when I made the decision to have the sleeve. I needed my life back, not just for me, but also for my 10 years old son who is dependent upon me, since I'm a single parent. I had more reasons to go for it, than reasons not to. Though it's difficult, I am glad I decided to go for it.

Dear Songbird,

I am so sorry you have to go through this pain and I really wish this surgery will help you coping with this and let you enjoy more your son and be part of his life for a very long time. I can only immagine how hard it must be being a single mother and have this ugly condition. On top of everything having long steroids therapy it must be a killer. After 3 weeks I was eating my own flesh and irritable to a way that I preferred to be alone .
Anyway I really honored you shared your story and hope to hear form you

BB