Hi all!

Well, I feel like I have found a safe place to emotionally vomit all these emotions I'm feeling.

My sleeve surgury is 17 days away. I'm excited, I'm nervous, I'm scared. I'm so afraid this won't work either. Years of trying to lose weight and failing have left me feeling so defeated.

This past year has been a medical nightmare. Last August I went for my yearly "girlie visit". (My MD believes that men get phsyicals yearly and women get paps.) So, when you have your pap, she does a head to toe, inside and out physical. My blood work showed diabetes and an enormous volume of protein and blood in my urine. Jump to end result, by December I had a kidney biopsy and found out I have a rare kidney disease which is now at Stage 4, (out of 5). I have extreme protein dietary limits so in January I went on a strict vegan diet. Now, you would have thought that would generate some weight loss but...nooooooo...by May I had gained weight and further testing revealed that I also had Metabolic Snydrome. In that timeperiod, I injured my back (in feb.) and had to restrict exercise and walking while the annular tear in my disc healed. This is about the point where I said it was time for something major to change in my life. I could feel myself slowly dying - now I know that sounds dramatic, but it is what it is. Obviously, I'm on the fast track for dialysis and transplant. Then I found out that with my current co-morbidities (High BP, Diabetes, morbid obesity), I would be on the bottom of the transplant list - not a good place to hang out.

I just feel so darn old and beaten up. I'm blessed with a very loving and supportive husband - he has been amazing. But, I have discovered that when you have chronic illness, people tend to disappear from your life. It's a sad way to find out who your real friends are. And don't be mistaken, I have made a point of not talking about it or complaining. When they ask the status, I give them the briefest and most upbeat limited report that I am comfortable with. I recently had an aquaintance who went through a kidney transplant tell me that she had a lot of people drop out of her life - she attested to people being afraid that you would ask them for a kidney!! Oh please.....

So, I decided that life HAD to change. I HAD to change. I found Dr. Curry here in cincinnati and he is working with my kidney doc to get things done. There has been a lot of drama in trying to get the nutrionist up to speed on my exact diet limits (I feel like I had to fire up a blow torch to get them moving). But, right now, we are on track to surgury on October 11th. I'm excited but I'm also sad.

I feel like I'm saying goodbye to food (who has mistakenly been my friend). I have caught myself these last few weeks trying to visit my favorite restaurants, make my favorite foods. It's kind of felt like a food wake. I was raised by a mom who made food and meals social events. I don't know how to change that mindset - but I'm really going to work on it.

I'm also scared, I mean obviously who isn't scared of surgury - duh. But I'm more afraid of it failing. I feel like this is my last chance. If I don't lose this weight, if I don't get my BP under control and my diabetes down, I'm going headfirst into the dialysis clinic and transplant list. With my co-mordities I could end up on dialysis for quite awhile and frankly life dependent on a machine doesn't sound like much of a life to me.

I'm so tired of feeling tired and feeling fat.

I want to grow old with my husband. I want to retire with him enjoy the life on the golf course. Our wedding song was "grow old with me" - I feel like I won't. As I read back, I see that I sound like an extremely depressed person. I'm really not, I'm just scared. I don't like to tell anyone, because I feel like my health is enough of a burden to the people in my life, they don't my emotinal crap too !

Well, enough for now - thanks for listening, but especially thanks for helping me feel safe to be able to burp all this out.

Good luck to all!!! I'm glad to have you all as a part of my life!!!

Jenny