BBARB
just to remind me how low I got
by , 08-02-2012 at 02:44 PM (1698 Views)
Originally Posted by BBARB
I am considered a successful and beautiful woman with a great career and life. I still look at people like they are crazy when hear this because I see myself differently. Do not get me wrong I travel as I please and get recognition from my satisfying work and still dont feel happy at all. I never ever felt good about it nor happy. from outside I come across as a confident woman (I never let my weight stop me to wear a bikini and walk straight toward the pool, did I felt good in it ? no) However over time I was becoming bigger in bigger and slowly reduced my activities, my social life, my happiness and hope for future. A film of darkness covered my life little by little in such silent way that I did not realize it. Depression was slowly entering in my life and if someone would have asked if I were depressed I would have said no, because I never felt like I was (denial, ignorance). Depression is a bad beast that slowly eat you up from the inside and make everything look gray, makes you lose prospective and makes you lose piece and bits of life. deep down I was aware of how unhappy was making me not being able to lose weight, the frustration and the hurt when another diet failed. deep down I knew that I could not be happy cause I was exponentially getting fatter in fatter and could not stop it, I felt a failure, such a failure that no other success in my life was real since I could not tackle this problem. I was a 360 failure in my own eyes, and not even aware of it. I started to be very depressed and still not recognized it. I do not even know when I stopped walking and taking cabs to get anywhere. I could not walk nowhere, did not want to. I gave up. Of course my work benefited from me not going no-where anymore, taking in all the project and bury myself in the work so not to think and face all of this. I worked like a crazy to the point that on top of everything I got burnt out and had to face finally my depression. It was November October 2010. I was not able to face the real problem yet, but at least I tackled the burnt out and started therapy. I do not know when I gave up on me, but I did and this is the worst pain ever, knowing I gave up on myself! Once I got back on my feet and solved my acute phase I had to tackle the last big beast that was eating me alive. And that was the moment in which my doc magically told me about WLS and like I never heard it before I smiled thinking about hope. Initially of course I though that I would be the only one in the world to fail WLS from the first day. At a BMI of 56 I start to have hope. Of course I knew about WLS way before then but was not in the rescue myself mode I guess. And magically start to understand at that point, at the beginning of 2012 that I was depressed about my weight and incapability to get in control of it for years and did not realized or faced it. At the time point my life turned around, my brain cleared up and that horrible weight on my heart, soul and stomach was lift up all in once. In March I start to diet timidly in preparation for the Surgery. I educated my self and started the regimen I was suppose to have after surgery. I started to walk again, I start to look for all the tools I would need later. I start to do some workout. I had surgery MAy 29th at BMI of 50 after losing 30lb. I am two months post op and I lost 34 lb more at a BMI of 44 . Still going to my therapist and still telling her I am amazed to realize how bad depressed I was. Feeling better in better. I am happy because I am taking care of myself in the proper way. the first step was accepting that it was not just me failing at this and that obesity is a crazy hard cycle to break it, that you can consider it as a disease. I read book about it and felt less of a failure. My boss is a surgeon and once I talk to him about WLS he read my shame and frustration and he told me that I do belong to 94% of people that fail medically supervised diet. I am fianlly getting out of the longest tunnel ever. I am happy cause I am not giving up on my, on my life and family. I am opening my life to the beautiful things I always had and never being able to enjoy. I still think I am not beautiful or smart, but this is the challenge of my therapist
So yes I felt like you, I did for so long that I cannot even say it out loud without bursting in tears. Still have the fear of failing this, but I will fight for it, hell yes!
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