Wow - you said it all. Well said Manzerick. People tell me I look great, I'm down 90 lbs. They say, don't you feel so happy? Aren't you thrilled? Yes, I'm happy I lost a lot of weight but just the fact of losing weight hasn't made me any happier as a person. I wasn't any less happy when I was a 46 BMI. Yes, I fit into a 12-14 pants now instead of 22W but I'm still the same person who gets sad from time to time and who doesn't have a great self image after years of eating myself into oblivion.

My barber ALWAYS tells the room of people "Hey guys.. this guy lost 200 pounds and looks great!!"..

you know the next question I get from the Peanut Gallery "How did you do it?"

Well, I don't tell anyone anything but "Eat less, and exercise more" .. Not a lie. that is the formula.


I feel he's telling these people after I leave what I did. I know, I know, time for a new barber. My thought "time for a new way of thinking". This is my reality. I did have a sleeve.



Someday, I feel I will be open. I just know today isn't that day.

Thanks for the post! I'm at the very beginning of the journey at just a 3 weeks post op. Hugs to you!

@ manzerick, I totally understand. only a handful of people know about my surgery and honestly I am just not at the point where I want to share. I don't know if I will ever be at that point! and you are right, we are eating less " much less" and exercising more..for me a lot more!! Congrats on your great job!

Thanks for this post. I am not as happy as I thought I would be after losing the weight. I'm now scared to death that I will gain it back. Losing was fun like going down a sliding board but now that I have lost most of what I am going to lose I have to work hard to maintain. It's almost a full-time job making sure I'm drinking enough, am I getting all my protein, have I eaten enough vegetables today, did I take my vitamins, my Biotin, my Calcium, my Prilosec, have I gone over my calorie budget for the day? I feel that I am in my own mental prison and no one even knows. I see my therapist tonight because I'm still the same person, with the same issues as before but now my stomach is smaller and so am I. I won't even allow myself to be happy because I'm so afraid of failing and letting everyone down. It's crazy, I know! In my mind I was a failure at weight loss and even though I lost the weight I am still a failure and will regain this weight soon. Good luck to you and everyone else going through this journey. It is not easy, even after the weight comes off.

Holy shit this post couldn't come at a better time...as usual manz you've hit the nail on the head. I've got another 40 to go but these thoughts of being damaged haunt my everyday...it's like a corner of my brain that has these thoughts in reservation. AND NO ONE GETS IT OUTSIDE OF THIS FORUM! That's the frustrating thing, I have no reinforcement from anyone, it's like this was an expected move on my part...they have no idea that I'm still 240lbs in the head...they have no idea that it's a struggle everyday to no pick the wrong foods, drink the water and take in the protein first...they joke and say I should go and buy nutria system food cause it's all I can eat anyway...the day to day struggle with feeling like I've accomplished something like loosing 44.4 lbs forever isn't sinking into my brain...I'm scared to death that im gonna wake up and it was just a joke...your posts seem to fit right when im going through the same feelings...I was thinking that this road were all on seems anti climactic...the hype and excitement of having this procedure then recovery and the difficulty of all the stages of food and learning to listen to your sleeve, those were things to preoccupy our minds to the real thoughts of how do I get rid of this emotional baggage,,,this stuff can't be cut away and taken out through a hole in my stomach...I want to be genuinely happy and celebrate this amazing transformation but I can't get the fat dana out of my head. God if I could only feel what it's like to be thinner,healthier and sexier from a non fat stand point maybe I could compare it to one of my inner feelings and see if I even have it in me to feel this way or am I destined to be on point and looking over my shoulder for the rest of my life?
Thanks for your post, it's great to know IM NOT ALONE! you have an excellent way of saying what I can't always get out...I'm not holding back tears and yes it's because I can relate...my alpha exterior hides much of my meek and self loathing personality on the inside...
Keep posting cause YOU ARE A GREAT PERSON AND I'm privileged to read your posts.
You never have to justify how you've lost your weight to anyone...it was your choice alone to do for you so don't worry about your book...I would just worry about how many copies are gonna fly off the shelves...I expect mine autographed...lol

I also am very guarded with who I tell about the surgery. I find myself able to tell other "big" people, but not the skinny ones. I have a lot of guilt. I am in smaller clothes than one of my daughters, my sister is still morbidly obese and I have some friends who are also. They almost don't want to talk to me about their struggles. My answer to anyone about how I feel is....Healthy. I feel Healthy. When someone says "oh my god, you look amazing, I mean amazing" I want to ask if I looked like a heathen troll before? I was fat. I still am in my head. But I will live longer now. I can run, I don't have to seek out the strongest chair in the place, fear the plane seatbelts, wonder what people say when I leave the room.
I guess, if you wanted any advice, or needed any advice on your feelings would be to embrace your feelings and thoughts. They are yours and you OWN them. No one can tell you how you should feel. Writing is therapeutic. Write and Write, then put it away. Close the door to the bad feelings. I am 4lbs from a goal weight that I thought I would never get to. I think, I may change it. I may go for another 5lbs after this. I don't know. We always have to have goals. Something to reach for. Good luck to you and thank you for a beautifully written cluster of emotions. I appreciated it very much. Liz

Wow - this is a fantastic post - thank you so much for it! Obviously I haven't had surgery yet and I'm much more of a lurker at this point instead of a poster. I'm not very good with words but you my friend have pretty much summed up the last 30 years of my life. I have been sharing a lot of posts with my husband of almost four years and he ask me if I was going to blog my journey and do before and after pictures, etc. and I guess I must have looked at him funny - at that point I realized that up to this point I've only told my mother, my children, my boss and my mother-in-law that I was even having this surgery. I'm not sure why I'm keeping it a secret - I've never been one to care what anybody thought of me. Your post, Mr. Manzerick, has given me some great food for thought. I'm simply amazed at the outpouring of support and caring that I have found on this site - it's all so very helpful and so inspiring to hear that you are not alone in this battle/journey. Thank you everyone!

The one great thing about damaged people.... We know how to survive.
Xo

WOW!!! What a great post. I feel better just for reading it. If a funny thing how a lot of us seem to feel alone about these feelings. Thank you.

Wonderful post. You made me cry.

I haven't been sleeved that long but I can already sense a lot of what you're talking about. All of us here have issues that go deeper than just a love of food. This journey should be just as much about learning what those issues are and how to conquer them as it is about losing weight. How do we do that? Hell if I know... Will we struggle and have to fight hard to beat those demons the rest of our life? Probably. It's sad and a little discouraging but the strong among us prove it can be done and that it's worth it. And you definitely fit in that category.

Thanks for voicing what so much of us are feeling. And for setting a great example of someone who is very self aware and focused. You are an inspiration.