Hello everyone! I have been heavy most of my life. I have all the typical "fat person" conditions including the latest edition.... DIABETES! Yay! I have been considering this surgery for a while now, but I am very scared. Not so much scared of having the actual procedure, but scared of what life will be like after. I have always had food as my best friend. I remember exactly when I realized this. I was in an abusive relationship as a teen, and after taking the abuse, this person would hug me and act like nothing happened. All I could think about was getting home and having my ramen noodles, cause that was my comfort and safe place. Needless to say food has always been my best friend, and thus, has stuck around with me in poundage of around 300 or so pounds! I think that the weight has been like a blanket for me, like no one can really get in and hurt me. But I know I am just hurting myself. I have read some of your stories and find you all amazing and courageous people. I just don't know if I have this in me to give up my best friend. But if I don't, I know I wont be around for my husband and daughter. I have never been able to be the mother my daughter deserved. She is now 18 and has her own life. I find myself wishing that things could have been different for her growing up. I was never able to do all the things physically that I would have liked to do with her. I was the one sitting on the bench. It is hard to see myself as a healthy person. What would I be like? How would people treat me? My father always would always tell me how much he worried about me and my weight. He was so loving and cared so much, but you know sometimes it is just easier to put your head in the sand. I know that I disappointed him too. I didn't get healthy before he died. Which is hard for me too. So here I am. Feeling alone and confused about my future. I have an appointment in June at bariatric clinic. Hoping to feel better about this all. Right now, with my new diagnosis, I find my self asking …."Do you want to live or do you want to die?" Does food have that much control that I am willing to not give it up? Or do I want to live? I have never felt like I was important enough to care. But find myself wondering if I could really do this and turn my life around. So thanks for listening, whoever you are and I wish you well.
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