Obsessed!

[sraebaer]

Why am I so obsessed about being skinny? When I started my journey I told myself I just wanted to look like a regular-sized person. I feel I do. (For years I kept asking my husband, if he saw me as a stranger walking down the street would he think I was fat? He finally told me he didn't want to hear it anymore). I only have 2.8 to lose to get back into the healthy BMI range (bad winter!), but I think I need about a 10 pound buffer. Plus I get jealous reading about all you guys out there who weigh 120 at 5'6" or something. I don't want to spend the rest of my life stressing about my weight. But if I don't always have it on my mind, I'm afraid I could go back to the old me, and I sure don't want that.

Losing the weight with my sleeve was the easiest, most fun thing I have ever done. But I can't say that about maintanance.

[jerzeygirl]

Oh my goodness, I feel so much the same way. Will I ever be thin enough, will I gain it back, I can't retire because I won't be accountable to patients as I am now working in a large bariatric surgery department of a hospital; all these thoughts run through my head way too often. I think as a person who was always obsessed with food, wondering what to eat, not to eat, etc.; I don't have a healthy relationship with food or body image. It's sad but true that many after surgery feel this way; I hear it all the time at support groups, among our patients, etc.

I've never been happier and I also loved the "honeymoon" period when the weight just fell off, the sizes changed, I saw collarbones; now it's "just my life" and keeping the weight at a number that I can live with is stressing sometimes. I don't want to be ungrateful for this opportunity of a tool, but sometimes it just overwhelms me thinking of the years I have left and struggling with these thoughts. It may not be on a daily basis, but it's often enough to get me down sometimes.

I hope it helps you to know others who are considered "successful" still struggle with maintenance or "Life" as I like to call it I do, however; think we're good to go for the rest of time we have left and just try to enjoy, be mindful and go on our merry way! I know you certainly are a wonderful example of someone who is determined, diligent and dedicated to a healthier lifestyle

[Dutchie]

O Sharon, I hear you!
This whole journey is not a sprint, it is a marathon, for the rest of out lives.
But did any one tell us different?
I still find it relatively easy to maintain, but I also struggle from time to time, even after only two years and a bit.
I am scared to death to think what might happen when I am three, four or five years out.
I think that qualifies as obsessed too.

But then I read Ann2's story over and over again and that really helps me to get a grip...
But do not, NOT compare yourself to others.
You know that is pointless, we are all different and loose or maintain in different ways...

You are one of the rol models for me and many others, judging by some of the comments.
Don't let that be a burden, but an inspiration for you.
You are one of the most positive people on this board.
That does not mean you can't or won't feel down or obsessed from time to time.
But I am sure that that way of thinking will get you through this!
I wish I had something more helpful to say...
Love and hugs!

[sraebaer]

It is odd as the first two years I maintained without even thinking about it. Now one little trip to visit grandkids and I can gain 5 pounds. I was down 10 pounds last summer, but that was at the same time I sold mom's house, moved her out of her home into an apartment in my state, then out of the apartment when she passed, and then everything donated, and I did all that physical packing/moving work alone. Before that daily visits, zillions of doctors, all the time she was in the hospital, planning a funeral out-of-state. No wonder I was smaller. Just worked on all her taxes with our accountant, 5 different returns, involving digging through everything and trying to figure everything out. Maybe it's grief why I'm not feeling my positive, happy self!

[Wareaglegirl]

Grief is very powerful and affects people in many different ways. It's been 18 months since my dad died and 5 months dince my mom died. I have moments of happiness but overall just a lot of grief and sadness. The stress of settling the estate can take a lot out of you, too. I know my eating habits have gotten worse since they died. It sounds like you've been through a lot. Don't beat yourself up. You'll get there.

[Bellagirl]

You have all voiced my greatest fear. I had the band in 2009 and lost over 90 lb before it slipped and stopped giving me restriction. Instead of working harder, I turned back to my old habits and gained the weight back plus a few. I feel very motivated and I know it’s a completely different weight loss surgery but I can’t help but worry about the what ifs. I can only have faith that once I lose the weight, I will have learned most of the tools I need to be successful (I will also have all of you to help too!)

[KiwiGal]

Most of us were fat for a long time - and we didn't like it. Now we are not fat anymore and we do like it.
I think it takes a while to get used to being "normal" weight (whatever that is)......but I know that I can never go back to the way I used to eat.
I am terrified of going back to what I was because I am loving how I am now.

I am obsessive in that I weigh myself every morning and I measure and weigh out my food. I keep a food diary (both written and on an app). I allow myself a increase of .5 kilogram before I start looking at what I might have done to cause an increase on the scale. Usually nothing because it is a normal body fluctuation.

As Jerzeygirl said most of us have never had a healthy relationship with food and certainly not with body shape. It may take a long time to get over that - if we ever do!

The reason I love this forum is that people not only share their success stories but their struggles too. Life is there and we have to negotiate our way through it as best we can. We have a great tool that can help us but it's our mind that we also need to look after.
Winter is always a time that can make us feel not as happy as we normally are. Wait until that sun is shining on your face and you are out and about walking those tracks that you love.

You are a fabulous person on this forum and I am so very grateful that you share your thoughts with us all.

It will all be ok xxx

[elllie]

everyone on this thread has made a valid comment and I thank you all for it. I too struggle about weight gain, and I am not even a year out. It has been wonderful seeing the numbers drop on the scale and looking like I used to look 22 years ago. However I weigh myself 3/4 times per day and when the scale fluctuates throughout the day I panic. My husband has threatened to take the scale away. I have 4kg left until I get to my perceived goal weight, however I have been stuck on the same numbers now for about 2 months, I do think its the winter weather. I need to get back to keep a food diary and making sure I don't eat more than a certain amount of calories, but i saying that, I find on the days I eat more I see a less on the scales. I think those of has who have had disordered eating for many years will always struggle but we can and will win this battle.

[kenson]

Boy is this thread right on time! I've just returned from the Dominican Republic where all I did was lay on the beach, eat, drink, repeat! Maintaining for 5 years with no problem until last year--old habits came roaring back and with it 20 lbs!!! I'm still in my "smaller" clothes, but they don't fit like I like them too. Everyone compliments me on how well I've done keeping my weight off and I sometimes feel like a fraud. Also, people continue to tell me how good I look, etc., but inside I continue to compare myself to others and always wondering am I the biggest person here? I am just going to continue to stay focus and lose the remaining 10 of what I have gained. I think that I will always be a work in progress!

[sraebaer]

You are all so helpful, thank you. I did go on a beautiful hike yesterday, that always helps clear my head of anxious thoughts.

[AnnieG]

I am so glad you hiked and feel better.
I have to say you are always an inspiration to me with your postive candor. And common sense. I agree that grief causes hormonal changes and "fat" likes it, I think. But obviously we can't ignore things, either.

I have a "buffer" weight - it may be too generous, but 122-128 is okay with me. At 122, while I think I "feel" skinnier, I look gaunt and a bit haunted. I mean, at 67, fat does fill out a few wrinkles! I do NOT want to be over 130. I sort of "gestimate" the skin weight is about 2-3 lbs (max, maybe?). And while I think I could lose by cutting down to 800 calories and upping protein percentage to 50%, there is no guarntee it will come of my middle section. I may have very thin behind the ears and bottom of the feet, but 4 c/secs plus 2 other abdominal surgeries, and triple CABG, well I wouldn't pose at any weight.

I look at your level of activity, and enthusiasm. Your self care, your family connections, and your joy d'vivre! And I am humbled. And I also think you are incredibly pretty besides.

Weight and body shape are confusing. I'm 5'4" (although was 1 1/2" taller when younger). I am rather squarely shaped, with very sknny legs. Before VSG, I would have said an olive with toothpicks...

Take some deep breaths of spring time air tomorrow! And just know you are incredible in every aspect!

[sraebaer]

Now I'm just getting angry. I am following WW and tracking with the lowest points permitted. I am basically eating chicken, fish and veggies. I exercise a lot. I cut out all alcohol. (Used to love a glass of wine at night). In 6 weeks I have lost 2.8 pounds. I'm ready to go back to drinking. At 5'3" and 143.5, I am officially overweight.

[Dutchie]

I can't give you any advice of course, since you are way ahead of me.
Just some thoughts:
Do you think it is possible you don't eat enough?
Calorie wise, that is?
If all you eat are lean proteins and veggies, you will be around 1000-1200 cals per day, give or take?
How about your water intake?
You do exercise a lot, maybe your body needs the calories, not the empty ones of the alcohol, but the nutritious kind.

I feel so sorry for you that you have to struggle like this, but you had a lot to deal with recently.
And that does not work in your advantage.
Don't beat yourself up, that does not work.
I get it that you are getting p*ssed, I would have exactly the same.
Now I am thinking that, suppose it was me, going through this exact same things.
What would be the advice you would give me?

Hang in there girl, you will get through this!
Your positive attitude will come back.
Sounds like you don't have fun right now, and that in itself is counter productive.
Just do the best you can!

And you know what?
I did learn something very useful from this story.
I am not going back to eating the "wrong" things, like sugar, sweets, cake, single carbs, junk food.
Although people keep telling me "that is real life", and that I "should" be eating that "in moderation",
I don't agree.
All those things are learned behavior (if that is a good expression?).
We don't need all that, our bodies don't need all that.
And I don't know about you'll but "moderation" never worked for me.
I would't be here, if I could eat in "moderation"...

[sraebaer]

Thanks for all the good advice guys. I'm going to try to quit the negative thoughts. I have the eating and exercise down, I just need to work on my head.

[KiwiGal]

Blimey it's really sucky when you are doing all the right things and are not seeing the results that you want.
I don't have any words of wisdom for you sorry!
Hang in there we are all with you.
xxx