Curious about how relationships change after VSG. How did you handle it?

[Tenloris]

I am approximately 2-3 weeks from getting my sleeve. I am having a hard time telling the people I am closest to...I have actually told a couple friends and they are supportive but I havent even told my daughter yet-(she lives away) I am thinking that she wouldnt understand and worry. Also my best friends are a bit against it as well. (I told them several months ago I was exploring VSG) we spend weekends together, they are foodies and we cook and have cocktails on the weekends. I realize this will have to change of course- but we do other things as well like gardening and other interests. So I guess I am wondering if you veterans had any resistance on your jouney and how your relationships changed after VSG. Thanks!

[Christie13]

So truth be told, I only told a couple of close friends and my immediate family. To this day, I don't feel it is anyone's business. There are lots of judgmental people out there. When eating out with people in the beginning and you can't eat more than a bite or two I would tell people that my tummy was upset or I had a really big lunch earlier. No one seemed to care. I did push food around and use distractions like that. Then as you get farther along it gets a lot easier to do. Most people don't ask too many questions. Now people just assume I eat less because I am thin. I have a very active social life and going out to eat or for drinks is not a problem. It just takes time.

[Ann2]

Hey, Tenloris. Glad to see you posted a thread on this.

WLS patients go all kinds of directions on this. On one end of the spectrum, some patients become WLS missionaries and/or think they're lying if they don't tell everyone how / why they're suddenly losing weight. Others don't tell a single soul, because they don't want to invite ANY commentary about their WLS process or want to avoid discouragement pre-op or because they consider WLS to be a medical issue, which they don't broadcast to others, period! Others tell "only a few close friends or coworkers" -- many of whom wind up telling other people because apparently WLS is too dishy not to dish about and they can't keep a secret.

If you keep reading here you'll find similar threads and hear a bit of a theme (not universal, but common) along the lines of "I wish I hadn't told everyone" or "You can't unring that bell" or "I wish I had told no one at all!"

I told my husband and two close friends who live 1,000 miles away in opposite directions about my WLS and asked them not to share my WLS news with anyone. All three of them honored my request to the letter. I don't post here or elsewhere online under my name or post my photo on public WLS message boards like this one.

I do speak at WLS seminars for my surgeon, but those lectures don't happen in the city where I live, and the odds of running into anyone I know at those events are pretty low.

The reason I went that route is because I found out pre-op through some subtle conversations with friends and family in which I mentioned WLS that, although these aren't stupid people, they were completely ignorant about WLS and were, politely speaking, "resistive" to WLS, thought it was the easy way out, etc. Quite frankly, I didn't want to have to navigate any stage of the WLS process with negative energy in my head.

By the way, one of the things that has ALWAYS shocked me is how normal-weight family and friends talk derogatorily about fat people in front of you, as though YOU weren't one of the fat people! It's just ... well, it's just bizarre!

Anyway, as someone who yo-yo dieted my entire life, lost and regained weight many, many times, after WLS I looked like I was just on another diet and doing well this time. I didn't lose super-rapidly (see my monthly weight losses below in my signature block). I just lost steadily. It took me 18 months to lose ALL 100 pounds of my excess weight. During that time, everybody could see I was eating healthier, exercising daily, seeing a shrink regularly (first time I'd ever done that), tracking my food daily, feeling better, doing better -- and it was impossible for them not to be happy about my improving health.

Now, four years later, I'm just another skinny bitch who watches what she eats, works out, weighs every morning, and cuts back on treats when she gains 3 pounds.

[sraebaer]

You will be able to hang out with the "foodies" in a few months, no problem. Just eat the right stuff ( protein and veggies). I told a few best friends who blabbed, so I think you will be great not sharing your secret for success. Just say you are dieting and exercising. That will be the truth!

[DHB]

I told very few people and I'm glad I didn't. My loss has been slow and I've been on diets off and on my whole life, so everyone just thinks I'm being more successful this time. At first I would order an appetizer and eat part of it. Now I often order a regular dinner portion, knowing I'll take more than half home. I really thought my friends/eating companion would question why I ate so little or why I was taking food home, but hardly anyone has even noticed. With wine, I let the waiter pour me a glass, I take a sip and then at some point my husband finishes his glass and quietly switches his with mine. I get my one sip for taste and that is my big thrill.

What I realize now is that I really can concentrate on my relationships with other people instead of gulping down food & drink like I did before. So my relationships have actually improved because I can be more present for the people and less occupied with eating & drinking.

[elllie]

I have told a few very close friends who I know won't blab and my husband and children. I have already been in a situation, where not only my friends but the waitering staff kept asking me if the food was ok as I wasn't eating much. I had a good excuse though, as I said i was still recovering from my bout of bowel troubles and really couldn't eat. If anyone asks, i will just say i am following a very low calorie diet, which in effect is true, just leaving out the part about the help. It is no ones business. I also don't really discuss it with anyone and if any comments are passed, I just say yes I have lost weight and change the subject. Good luck on your journey.

[mellowjoy]

There isn't a right or wrong when it comes to telling people about weight loss surgery. I think it depends on your relationship with the person you want to tell. I told some people and others I didn't tell.

When it comes to eating out and the wait staff being concerned because you aren't eating much, my standard is answer if it's true, is the meal is wonderful and I will certainly enjoy the left overs then ask for a take out dish.

[Tenloris]

That sounds great! Mindfulness and nurturing your relationship!

[Tenloris]

Thanks for your wisdom Ann2! I so understand -and I don’t want to undermine myself before I’ve gotten started. So I do understand not telling people as I want to set myself up for success ...not worry about negative energy! I’m pretty much an open book and I think that can sometimes work to my detriment, so I think I just need to concentrate on perhaps being more mindful, if that makes sense. Thank you for your story!

[Tenloris]

Thank you, Elllie! You are very new to this as well. Congrats and good luck on your journey as well!

[Cardshark98]

So most of my family, friends and coworkers know. I have been pretty open about it. Most people have been very supportive. My mom and her best friend were the most critical. They both suffer from many health issues related to weight, so i was suprised they were against it. I do get a lot of question about my diet but I imagine over time that will get old. I was worried about how work and family potluck would go but I always bring as my dish something i know i can eat and try other things that follow my diet. Some many people have diet restrictions, food allergies and religious beliefs, so i am not different. Where i have a issue is at restaurants. I am still 9 weeks out and not eating much. I usually just share with my husband, and don't order a drink. My doctor gave me a laminated card explaining that i have a stomach that is 10% the size of a normal stomach and to please allow to order smaller meals. I have had to show this a couple of times and it really bothers me, actually enough i dont like going out to eat.

[Tenloris]

Hi Cardshark, thanks for your take. I am glad to hear that most are supportive. And it looks like you are doing great ! what is the purpose of the card? Why would you have to show it? Is it because of the sharing? even though I am pretty open it would bother me, too. A restaurant doesn’t need to know my medical...unless I’m allergic , of course.

[KiwiGal]

Similar story here...only people who know are my partner and 4 of my besties. They are all supportive and when we go out for dinner my friends will suggest somewhere that has shared platters or tapas type food. They are wonderful!
Prior to deciding to go down the WLS route myself I had heard several negative comments about an acquaintance that had WLS and I decided then and there not to broadcast it to the general public. I too did not want any negativity to accompany me and if I'm honest there was also some shame on my part that I had to resort to surgery to "fix" the problem. Now I am not so worried about it.
People at work have commented but I just say that I am eating smaller meals and exercising more - which is true. Some have asked if I am ok. I guess losing weight rather rapidly can be a result of other things. I just assure them that I am fine and just taking control of my health.
Eating out isn't an issue. If I need to I just order an entrée/appetizer and if I don't eat it all my partner sometimes finishes or if there is a lot left over I ask to take it home.
I have never been a big drinker of alcoholic beverages so that isn't a problem.
Whatever you decide, it's your business and yours alone. Don't feel pressured into anything. People forget pretty quickly :-)

[tebbybear]

So are you now able to drink alcohol? This is one of my concerns as I'm a lover of going clubbing.

[erc70]

So are you now able to drink alcohol? This is one of my concerns as I'm a lover of going clubbing.

My doctor told me that I cannot have alcohol for a whole year after surgery.