Crazy Thinking

[AnnieG]

I spent a lot of time journalling this morning -- crazy thinking going on.

Does anyone else ever suddenly feel like they are not "thin" enough? I see bones that I'm not quite as excited to see, and I look fine in the mirror. But my head is just convinced I need to lose more.

My mom used to harp at my sisters and I about weight constantly. (None of us were heavy, in looking at pictures from then.) Every mouthful was criticized. Mom's been gone since 1999 (well, siblings as well). I struggled with bulemia/anorexia for many years, until I started having kids. Then determined to be healthy. Did fine until medications/health issues caused extreme gain and nothing worked to lose it.

Yes, I have had counseling; yes, I know my mom was wrong. So what's up with the crazy think?
Thanks for any insights.

[KiwiGal]

Annie, you look fabulous....but you know that already because you look great in the mirror.

If only parents knew how much the words that they say have such an effect on their children....positive and negative.

I have nothing to offer in the way of insight re how our heads work. I can only offer my support.
Hopefully someone will be able to come along with some words of wisdom that we can all learn from.

[Katrina]

My mom did that to me my whole life. She still does and I weigh 114 pounds. She's given me shit for gaining up from 102 where I was underweight. It's no wonder that I'm batshit crazy.

Even worse... my daughter almost died from complications of this surgery, surgery that my parents convinced her to have. She can't walk on her own anymore. She is 22 now and dependent on me for care. I have a very hard time getting her to eat anything at all. My mother says "Don't force her to eat. You don't want her to gain weight back." Sometimes I want to strangle that lady.

[AnnieG]

My mom did that to me my whole life. She still does and I weigh 114 pounds. She's given me shit for gaining up from 102 where I was underweight. It's no wonder that I'm batshit crazy.

Even worse... my daughter almost died from complications of this surgery, surgery that my parents convinced her to have. She can't walk on her own anymore. She is 22 now and dependent on me for care. I have a very hard time getting her to eat anything at all. My mother says "Don't force her to eat. You don't want her to gain weight back." Sometimes I want to strangle that lady.

Wow. Totally my life. Except I chose to live 3800 miles away from her. Fortunately, the Atlantic ocean stopped me. Prayers for your daughter and you. I was about 11 when my mom started. She made my sisters wear a girdle.

[AnnieG]

Annie, you look fabulous....but you know that already because you look great in the mirror.

If only parents knew how much the words that they say have such an effect on their children....positive and negative.

I have nothing to offer in the way of insight re how our heads work. I can only offer my support.
Hopefully someone will be able to come along with some words of wisdom that we can all learn from.

Unfortunately my mom was aware. Up side, I worked in mental health with children and adolescents.
Even parental silence (with holding approval,) is damaging.

[Stacey03]

Hugs Annie xxx

[AnnieG]

Hugs Annie xxx

Ah Stacey, thanks. One of the gifts of aging is healing of memories; the pain goes away and the lessons learned are invaluable. Maintenance is confusing me! <3

[Christie13]

OMG yes Annie. I have flip flopped back and forth from too thin to not thin enough. Interestingly enough I was also bulimic until I got pregnant with my son and wanted to be healthy for him. ( I nursed as well.) I do think the years of bulimia is what made the losing weight impossible. Jacked up my metabolism.

[becker2]

I know that I am a smaller person now. I went from a very tight size 20 pants (I refused to go any larger) to a size 10/12, and from Size 2X tops to mediums. I get proof of my new size every time I buy new clothes. I know this to be true. Yet, when I look in the mirror wearing my new clothes, I just don't see it. Everyone else does, but not me. I still feel like the overweight person that I was. Luckily for me I never experienced parental mind games. I guess it is just going to take time to recognize and get acquainted with the slimmer me.

[Stacey03]

Ah Stacey, thanks. One of the gifts of aging is healing of memories; the pain goes away and the lessons learned are invaluable. Maintenance is confusing me! <3

Nods xxx

[Gvn71]

Yup. Struggle with it daily. I tell myself its okay to have some more (food) but then stress that I need to lose more...... I do have an evil wish to see what 179 would look and feel like...... I don't think I ever have weighed this little at 183 (definitely not since 8th grade!!!!)......

This is why I would love to have a local (in person) support group to go to, but the one I went to once was terrible.

I wonder what 179 would look like.....

[TheSassWay]

You remember that old saying that was said as kids, sticks and stone may break my bones but words can never hurt me. Lies, words are more harmful that the broken bones. Once they are uttered, you can't take them back, and I'm sorry doesn't quiet work either.

Annie G, you look fabulous! Often times something triggers those old memory that takes us back to those places and we may linger there longer than anticipated. One thing I've learn to do is to speak positive affirmations over myself. Plus, writing them on my mirrors have truly help when hitting that low place. We must change our mental physique of how we see ourselves, which takes time.

[mandyjdc]

I've flip flopped as well. I used to have a problem with anorexia, and then after starting meds for depression, lost control and got to 300.

I kind of don't think those parental influences ever really leave us. Those old insecurities and memories seem to sneak in now and then.

[Dutchie]

I hear you Annie!
I have exactly the same.
As you clearly can see, I have nothing more to loose, literally...
But even now, I am secretly thrilled when the scale moves downwards, which actually is... erm... ridiculous?
But I can't help myself.
Heaven forbid I see a upward line...
I have to take care though, I don't want to loose any more weight, so this is a real mindf*ck...