tired of being barked at

[tired of being barked at]

Aloha all, I am a bariatric spouse. My husband & I both signed up together to have the surgery. We spent a year going to various classes for the program we were in. Months before I was done with program and to be assigned a surgery date it was decided that my surgery should be postponed. Anyways I know 1st hand what is required to take care of yourself for optimal health after surgery. My husband relies on my for his food mainly (except drive thru - which we all know he will be having to give up) he assigned me the task of making sure he got all his protein/water intake (no problem).

I love my husband greatly and it is just tearing my up the way he barks at me and pretty much just tries to start fights since surgery. He explodes at pretty much any comment about food. He also blows up over just about everything else, but food is a huge trigger. I realize he doesnt' have much control over his feelings/emotions right now but this is ridiculous. Doesn't seem right that you get to have the surgery you want and treat me like crap (because of it). And then of course he has never done anything wrong - I am being stupid - and his favorite "what is your problem"

Nothing like being treated like crap by the person you love and have supported through this long hard journey. Who was there to take classes with you? oh that was me. And who said they would make sure that you got the nutritional intake you need to not be sick? oh that was me. Who was here to encourage you to keep up the good work and stick with the small changes that were made along the way? oh that was me too.... wasn't no body else......

I realize he probably isn't getting as much water or protein as he needs (because he refuses to go by any meal plan - he insisted on moving to solid food stage on his 2nd week after surgery. I am having a hard time sitting by and watching him throw himself back into the black obese abyss he just crawled out of by getting surgery.

He's irritable, mean, and needing nourishment.... I can't say anything about anything or he tears my head off...... help

[Ann2]

Have you said all this to your husband?

Have you also considered that YOU shouldn't be responsible for what is supposed to be your husband's SELF-care?

If he doesn't take responsibility for his own self-care, he'll never be successful.

Honestly, he sounds like a big old baby. And you sound like you are wishing you hadn't signed up to be his bariatric nanny.

Seriously -- if you don't want to be his nanny anymore, and I can't imagine who would want that job, you can resign. Don't remind him. Don't nag him. Don't measure out his food. Don't fill his water glass.

He's a grown-ass man.

[Luv49ers19]

I know first hand how you feel. My husband has severe COPD and when he can't breathe he gets mean. He doesn't mean it but he is so frustrated and in pain he just blows up when I try to help him do what is needed...like taking a breathing treatment.

You need to talk to your husband about his behavior. This surgery makes our hormones go off the charts. I'm sure he doesn't mean it he just isn't dealing with his emotions and frustrations very well. You can try therapy to deal with the food and anger issues. It may help. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this but the hormones will even out. Love and hugs.

[Melissa888]

Ann has said it all! Amen sister!

[AnnieG]

First, I am so sorry this is happening to you; its a very hard thing to have someone you love being unkind.
I agree with Ann2, but do talk to him. And then just leave it alone, if you can.
You need to take care of yourself. Prayers for peace!

[Stacey03]

Awwww gawd it can be a tricky time eh. Hormones and getting used to new things and all that shamoz. I'm all about being kind but firm and yeahhhh maybe you need to resign from that nanny job for a while. Sometimes people don't realise they are being an ass until it's spelled out. Maybe write a letter,from a place of love but with a firm reminder that you are nobodies patsy and book yourself into a spa for 2 days and switch your phone off :-)
You sound like a legend. He sounds like he is just having a hard time at the moment. A few days away from each other can totes make the difference... bugger off to the spa, your sisters, your best friend, your mothers... or anywhere to give it a break and thinking time. That's just my style though. Regardless, I'm sure the time will pass and it will get easier. Just don't forget yourself in all this too. Hugs :-)

[Alynn]

Hi, you do t say when he had surgery, but said he went to solid food in second week following surgery. Maybe something is wrong, coulee be he’s not feeling well and won’t admit it. My husband gets just as cantankerous when he’s not feeling well.

You got to tell him How you are feeling and suck it up! Hang in and it will get better.

[Christie13]

I am sure that his hormones are out of whack from the surgery. And he is frustrated. He should not be taking it out on you but he is. I know that hurts. You love him and want to do what is best for him. But he has to want what is best for him. He is going to have to make some of his own mistakes. It is hard. It will get better in time. Just have an honest heart to heart as Ann said. I am sorry you are being mistreated. Just eat healthily. Don't bring junk into the house. And hopefully he will get on board and eat right. Good luck to you both.

[jerzeygirl]

The real question is, "did he behave this way before surgery"? If so, it's his style and he's used to treating you this way because you've let him. I think you should have a long talk with him and as ann said, this is his journey and not yours. I'm sure his hormones are whacky and he's going through quite an adjustment, but he chose this path and you shouldn't have to be "his keeper." Helping him, encouraging him, and supporting him are different than being used as his personal bariatric surgery coach is different. If he had to employ someone to meet his new needs and had to pay for their services, would he treat them as such. Take a stand and tell him how you feel.

Good luck to both you and your husband.

[azladyrider]

The real question is, "did he behave this way before surgery"? If so, it's his style and he's used to treating you this way because you've let him. I think you should have a long talk with him and as ann said, this is his journey and not yours. I'm sure his hormones are whacky and he's going through quite an adjustment, but he chose this path and you shouldn't have to be "his keeper." Helping him, encouraging him, and supporting him are different than being used as his personal bariatric surgery coach is different. If he had to employ someone to meet his new needs and had to pay for their services, would he treat them as such. Take a stand and tell him how you feel.

Good luck to both you and your husband.

And more importantly if he DID treat someone else like that who he paid would they put up with it? The answer to that is a great big HELL NO they'd tell him to go piss up a rope as I would. His healthcare is his responsibility.