Dining at Friends

[sraebaer]

Now I have no problem eating at home, in a restaurant, a big family meal (like Thanksgiving) or at some huge catered function. I've got that down to a science.

My problem is when we're quests at a small dinner party. We have 2 couples, great friends, that we take turns hosting really fancy dinners. They guys are always trying to out-do each other with the most gourmet food ever, not to mention endless champaign, wine, brandy, after dinner drinks, etc.

I always worry about insulting the host by not eating all this food. Or not drinking over a 4 hour evening when they keep pouring. I know they have worked all week on this meal. Last night was at least 5 different (bariatric unfriendly) appetizers, a fancy salad with candied walnuts and cheese, beef Wellington, green beans wrapped with bacon, little potato puffs, and some rich chocolate desert. The host served our salads along with our plates of food, so I wasn't able to choose tiny portions of anything. When it came to desert I asked hubby to go into the kitchen and say I didn't want one, but they were all ready to be served. I ate 2 bites and left the rest at the table. I felt bad about not eating it. Hubby gets angry when I try to pass off extra food to him, as even he was stuffed.

It is embarrassing, and I feel like I am insulting my host by wasting so much food. These people are good friends and know I had weight-loss surgery.

I guess I could have gone into the kitchen and made my own plate, but we were all asked to sit at the dining room table.

What could I have done differently? I came home feeling like crap. On the plus side, I didn't gain weight, where I expected to have gained about 5 pounds!!

[Dutchie]

They may be good friends and they may know you had wls, but did you tell them at any point your specific needs and wants?
Sometimes people think that wls patients just don't eat much of anything, and that's it.
They don't understand that some if us have specific things we can't or won't eat anymore.
I'm sure they will keep your wishes into consideration, once you have explained, what it is you want or need.
If you don't do alcohol anymore (just an example), how could they be offended?
When one of those friends came to you with specifics, concerning their diets, would you be offended?
I wouldn't be.
I would tell them in advance, what I planned on making and ask for some feedback.
Frankly, I would expect nothing less from a good friend.
Make them understand, would be my advice.

[SteelerChick]

Iit's YOUR CHOICE what you put into your body. This is YOUR life. When your host realizes no means no, s/he'll stop pushing you. Just my opinion.

[Luv49ers19]

Ditto what dutch said!

[sraebaer]

Next time I will go into the kitchen and request I make my own plate of salad and dinner. Sometimes I feel like even friends are trying to sabotage me. They KNOW I eat small portions, we have hung our since my surgery 4 years ago and before. Heck, I did my pre-op diet at their lake house on vacation! Drank shakes while they ate their gourmet food and drank their wine.

[SteelerChick]

I think that's a great idea. You need to make your own plate. Frankly, I've never been to a dinner anywhere (except a restaurant) where your plate is prepared for you by the host. It's either buffet or pass the serving dishes. If they are good friends and know your situation so well, they should have no problem supporting you. And yes, I totally believe people will do anything to sabotage you. We live with my MIL (an extremely jealous person) and you wouldn't believe how she tried to block me from my goals. I straight up told her I knew what she was trying to do even tho she denied it, but the more she tried, the more determined I got. In a way, she made it easy. lol And here I am, I made it. NO ONE will screw this up for me, not a month from now, not a year from now and not 4 years from now.

[SteelerChick]

I forgot to say, you look wonderful!

[Dutchie]

O yes, there will be people trying to sabotage you or me.
I wouldn't consider them good friends.
Good friends don't do that, at least not intentionally.

[Ann2]

Jeez Louise!

Sorry, but it really does get my goat that Americans think that eating like pigs and drinking like Brits is the most sophisticated way to entertain each other.

If I were their guest I would SO NOT WORRY about offending them by not cleaning my plate. If they're offended, then that's on them. "I can't eat this much food or drink this much alcohol anymore. It's not good for me. It gives me indigestion. It makes me feel bad. It gives me acid reflux. It's not good for my health." Etc. Or just: "I have lost XXX pounds. I'm not about to regain that weight, and not regaining means I can't eat like this anymore."

Seriously, you do you, Sraebaer. And please do what's good for YOU. Don't do something bad for you because you're afraid of making someone else feel uncomfortable.

On the other hand, having a straight-out conversation with your host and/or hostess prior to the next dinner party about what truly entertains you these days is another possibility.

(I must be in a mood this morning!)

[Dutchie]

LOL!
Well, truth be told, what I wrote here is the polite version.
I am not so polite as this may seem...

[SteelerChick]

Thank you!! I sort of said the same thing then thought maybe I came on too strong and edited my post, but I'm with you! This is about YOU, not about pleasing others.

Jeez Louise!

Sorry, but it really does get my goat that Americans think that eating like pigs and drinking like Brits is the most sophisticated way to entertain each other.

If I were their guest I would SO NOT WORRY about offending them by not cleaning my plate. If they're offended, then that's on them. "I can't eat this much food or drink this much alcohol anymore. It's not good for me. It gives me indigestion. It makes me feel bad. It gives me acid reflux. It's not good for my health." Etc. Or just: "I have lost XXX pounds. I'm not about to regain that weight, and not regaining means I can't eat like this anymore."

Seriously, you do you, Sraebaer. And please do what's good for YOU. Don't do something bad for you because you're afraid of making someone else feel uncomfortable.

On the other hand, having a straight-out conversation with your host and/or hostess prior to the next dinner party about what truly entertains you these days is another possibility.

(I must be in a mood this morning!)

[Stacey03]

Drinking like brits just made me LOLLLLL. I mean gawd, it's hard to say no to a good dry martini! You're too bloody funny Ann lol.
Sraebaer, this is a tricky one. I spend quite a bit of time at medical conferences where it is all fancy pants dinners and drinking. I don't think the dinners will be so bad but i am known to be the party girl of dry martinis (it's the Brit thing ;-) so last time i did have a few questions about 'Why the hell arn't you drinking???" ...I was just like "Sweetie, i am as pure as the driven snow", much guffawing and then everyone was too drunk to care. It's quite easy like you say, in the group situations.
I also will have occasions like you have had there, with more intimate dinners. I hadn't actually thought about how to deal with that yet so your comment has given me an opportunity to think about that and I do understand that it could be a little awkward, especially as I sometimes end up eating with people I really don't know very well at all. My solution for this is to invite everyone to a resturant so i can order what i want!! I think in an intimate situation I would explain quietly to the host that I really will only be tasting each dish and they must not be offended. Straight up. Then i would taste each dish. Delicious! Then leave everything else on my plate.
I love to cook and have also spent quite some time planning beautiful meals for people. It wouldn't bother me at all if I knew someones situation and they wanted a small portion or just tastes but as you know, people have a funny thing with food. I think you have to be straightforward and kind with your host over a quiet word in the kitchen and then unapologetic at the table.
It is tricky though I understand.

[AnnieG]

I've been dreading a similar, 2 1/2 weeks with old friends after the holidays. But I believe I'll just ask to be served on a salad plate, so I can have a bite of each thing. I can't do more than a sip of wne, like at church. I'm hoping they know this is a health issues, not social. Thanks for helping me. Both other couples husband we're professional chefs...

[azladyrider]

I agree with what others say - if they are good friends then they should understand, if they try and "sabotage" isn't that them insulting you?
I think that friends have good intentions and just cannot understand how we can be full after 4 bites or whatever. I wouldn't have eaten what I didn't want to eat... period no matter who made what or how long they worked on the preparation. I haven't drank since 2001 so that's never been an issue.
My local friends never fussed at me to "oh god you have to eat more than that" but my friends that I have known for over 40 years + used to when I would visit my hometown. I finally had a massive meltdown one nite when we were out and one person after another made a comment about how little I had eaten and how I "had to eat more" - I literally snapped and told my friend since grade school to KNOCK IT OFF and I am fine with the 3 bites I just ate. After I calmed down I said look sorry for snapping but you see me eat 3 bites what you don't see is that I eat those 3 bites 10 or more times a day.

Bottom line is you ate what later made you feel like crap so....

[Christie13]

Real friends will understand especially since they know about your sleeve. If they truly care about you, they will not be offended. I would not feel bad one little bit. If we had to eat just to please others than we would all be fat again in no time. I am not giving up my new healthy body to please anyone. If they are a real friend they will understand. If they don't understand...I truly don't need them in my life.