Telling family

[Petunia3]

I told my brother in law today that I am having the sleeve surgery in January. I was shocked and hurt when he was completely unsupportive. Said everyone he knows who has the surgery gains it back an if it is a lifestyle change why can't I do that without the surgery. I just told him it's not that simple and left it at that. It irks me too. He isn't pushing 300 lbs and I've tried so hard over the years. I know what I need to do and will be going to counseling to help me make the changes in my habits. I guess I was naive to think everyone would be supportive.

[PokerGuy]

If you read the threads on the board about telling people almost all the the same. "I can't believe my friends are not supportive after I tell them! "

The general feeling is NOT to tell anyone you don't absolutely need to tell.

[Ann2]

Here's the actual deal: Everyone in the world who hasn't had WLS knows very little about it -- and most of what they think they know is wrong.

And for those who are not now, nor have ever been, obese, they have no freakin' idea about the physical, emotional and spiritual agony of being fat for most of their lives.

To assume they would understand WLS and be supportive of those who are considering WLS is usually wrong -- and disappointingly so.

[Petunia3]

A lesson learned for sure. Thanks for the reply.

[Tamera2]

Don't let him bring you down, my mom was not supportive until she saw me having success, now shes my biggest supporter. Also Congratulations on deciding to go to counseling and work on why you became overweight before you have the sleeve. Your going to have success and I wish you all the best.

[RehabNurse]

As my best friend was weighed during one of her required pre-op visits, the nurse practitioner who obtained her weight said, "See! You don't need weight loss surgery after all! You can lose weight without it!"

In essence, many clinicians in the healthcare field are uninformed about the chronic nature of obesity, so why would one expect family members to understand our struggles?

Yes, I could lose weight without surgery. In fact, I'm in my mid-30s and have lost 200+ pounds over the last two decades prior to weight loss surgery through yo-yo dieting (lose 30, regain 50, lose 60, regain 100, rinse/repeat).

For most obese and formerly obese people, losing weight isn't the problem. Keeping the weight off is the problem, and surgery offers the only durable chance to keep the pounds off via resetting our set points.

Good luck to you, and perhaps be more selective about who you tell.

[MTMiller]

I am bothered that I can't tell my sister because she would not be supportive. My husband and grown sons are very supportive and that is all who matters. Why tell people? Let them see it! I am walking 2 miles a day now and watching what I eat and taking vitamins and calcium. I haven't been this healthy since GRADE SCHOOL. I am only surrounding myself with positive people. If you don't have support at home go out and find some! Support group and counseling are great starts. Maybe brother in law will change his mind when he sees your success!
All the best! Mary

[sraebaer]

After my 4 years here, I've learned that it's best not to tell anyone except your immediate support system. I've heard SO MANY horror stories! (The funniest, well not actually funny, was someone whose mom said she would probably die and then ruin Christmas for the family.)

But you can't take back what you told your brother-in-law, so now get back at him by showing you can lose all your weight and keep it off!!! Best of luck to you, you will love it!

[Ann2]

LOL! I forgot about that awful mom who sounded like the most self-centered idiot ever born. It was so bad it really was funny! As I recall, the WLS patient (her daughter) actually found it funny, too.

[gopostal24]

First of all, thanks for your post and congratulations on making your decision to go through with the surgery. I too, was very reluctant and skeptical and held the belief that if I just "ate healthy and exercised" I would become "normal" size and that surgery was just too extreme. And when I finally decided to do it (I am 2 weeks post surgery now) several of my close friends started sending me meal plans, exercise routines and names of nutritionists etc. I chose to tell a very small, select few friends who I knew would be supportive. Find those who will love you and support you no matter what and let the doubters and haters go on doubting and hating. I find it hilarious when someone says "everyone they know who has surgery gains it back" as if they know EVERYONE who has had surgery. That's the whole point - using the tool of surgery to not gain in back. I've been told it's not a magic bullet but I can see that it gives you the opportunity to experience what normal satiety impulses feel like and a respite from the cravings and compulsions that got us to this point. I know its only a tool, and I am building the infrastructure necessary to support long term adherence and it's precisely that it is so extreme that I am making the most concerted effort to do it right.

[Petunia3]

So much support in this forum. Thanks so much! I'm a little wiser and a lot more determined!

[Bagawk!]

I've told no one. Not family, not friends, not co workers. I decided not to tell anyone because of negative nellies. News like this just seems to bring out negativity in people who are otherwise supportive. Pro: No negative responses. Con: You're in it to win it alone.

This board has been my sole support and I don't regret my decision one bit. Read up here and you will find success story after success story. It was not easy for any of us and yes we had to change our lives for continued success but we did it. Don't say anything else to BIL and hopefully he will forget the conversation. Then, just do it. No one needs to know except those that *need* to know.

It really irks me that people tend to be so negative about this surgery.

[Christie13]

Yup. Many people have very negative reactions to WLS. I knew this going in. I only told my immediate family. Husband, kids, sister (who is sleeved), and my father (who had gastric bypass in the late 80's). I also told 4 very close friends that I knew would be supportive. I have had others who are very curious about my weight loss and keep asking how I did it. I give the standard line about clean eating, portion control, and exercise. All true...I just omit the WLS. I know some people may suspect but I won't tell. Let them suspect. It is none of their damn business.

[Tuesday2]

I didn't tell a lot of people for a few reasons, but mostly:
I didn't want them to try to convince me not to do it
I didn't want them thinking that I somehow "cheated" the system by having surgery

So I told my mom, husband, kids (both grown and living at home), 2 best friends (one of whom had the same surgery with the same doctor. The other one seems to be a little... jealous about it maybe), and... my small team of coworkers (we are all friends and close, and they see me not eating. They've been super supportive).

I saw 2 other coworkers on the elevator this morning and they both asked me what I'm doing (I'm down 62lbs in less than 5 months) and I just said, "I stopped eating. I ate enough for one lifetime already." they laughed and said I looked great, and I left it at that.

[marion red]

yes, i agree telling about the upcoming surgery is on a 'need to know' basis. there are so many possible reactions, but when it comes right down to it, the question boils down to...whose life is it!??!! this is a serious life-changing decision and we NEED all the support when can get. heck, everybody needs support in life at one time or another, right!??! we all want to be loved and accepted...just a fact. for some of us, it's easier than others who never struggled with 'issues' such as weight, along with illnesses. so, when is doubt, DON'T TELL - whoever it is! truthfully, i think people play the 'telephone game' and the news will get around fast enough. just be sure it's the right thing for YOU to do-have a positive attitude and seek out support-like you are doing-from others who are taking the same journey. i found myself in the same position about telling others and am satisfied with keeping to my inner circle. true, i was alittle nervous about it anyhow, but i know they want the best for me. good luck and keep intouch!