Need help convincing husband about sleeve

[Barbzilla]

Hello, this is my first day on the forum -- nice to e-meet you all! I hope those of you who are old timers here can help me out.

I'm determined to get the gastric sleeve, but my husband is not enthused, to say the least. How did you all convince your spouses that it's necessary because your gnawing hunger eventually outsmarts your best efforts every time? Bless his heart, the hubs means well but he just doesn't get it.

So, what were your magic words to turn it around for your loved one?

Thanks in advance for your wisdom, support and (I'm guessing) humor!

[Sandra3]

Hello and welcome!

My husband was very scared for my safety. Each anesthesia makes me very sick (even at the dentist!) and he was just afraid I was going to die on the table.
We did talk a lot about the fact that my health was getting worth and that without the sleeve I was going to die younger. But it didn't seem to convince him.
I spoke to my surgeon and he told me to bring my husband to my next consult. He did explain to him that staying morbidly obese had more risks than the surgery (he gave him stats and numbers), without the surgery I was never going to be able to lose the weight and not regain, and that even if (worth case scenario) my reflux got worth post-op it was treatable but if I started to have diabetes or any long term issue (BP, cholesterol) consequences would be much worth. My husband knew that my health was on a decline those past years, even if I made huge efforts (nutrition, exercise etc) nothing was really helping. The talk with my surgeon did the trick.
Good luck and take care!

[ghost_ryder]

Why wife was an opponent of me having the surgery from the beginning. She was skeptical of the success and ultimately thought the likelihood of failure was high, especially for me. I started the process unconvinced that surgery was for me. As I went through the process my wife became more comfortable because of how detailed the surgical team and program was. Let them get comfortable without "committing" to having surgery. Make them go to meeting and appointments to see what you are going through.

[Gvn71]

How to answer this....

You may not be able to convince him.

My wife was a non-supporter of my having the surgery. She is still a non-supporter 100 pounds later. I don't know why, and I try to understand it, but for the life of me I cannot figure it out. It does definitely make it hard at times, as the one person that should be my rock and 100% supporter just isn't there. Again, I have tried 500 different ways to help her see the benefits but for whatever reason it doesn't work.

I had the surgery so that I would get rid of my diabetes, high blood pressure and sleep apnea. I have 2 young kids (son - 9 and daughter - 6), and I was beginning to realize that if I didn't make some major life changes with regard to my weight and eating habits, someone else was going to be raising my kids when I was gone. So, I will take the bad with the good and just suck it up and deal with the fact that my wife isn't behind this decision of mine.

This probably doesn't really help you, but it does give you the honest truth that some spouses are not going to be okay with the surgery.

Hope it helps.

[Barbzilla]

Yes, it definitely does help -- your wisdom and the insight from the others. Thank you!

I think part of why it's hard for my husband to understand is that we started dating when I was at my thinnest. I think it's in his head that thin is my natural state. Um, no. I've been overweight my whole life. Everything I've tried has worked for at least a nanosecond, but nothing has worked for long. Add hypothyroid into the mix, and now I can't even really get the ball rolling at all.

Hunger wins. The hunger always wins.

[Gvn71]

Yes, it definitely does help -- your wisdom and the insight from the others. Thank you!

I think part of why it's hard for my husband to understand is that we started dating when I was at my thinnest. I think it's in his head that thin is my natural state. Um, no. I've been overweight my whole life. Everything I've tried has worked for at least a nanosecond, but nothing has worked for long. Add hypothyroid into the mix, and now I can't even really get the ball rolling at all.

Hunger wins. The hunger always wins.

This was a big issue between me and my wife when I started to do research about the surgery and think about whether or not it was for me. Her attitude was lets go to weight watchers, start a diet, etc. Been there, done that, got the Tshirt and regained all the weight I took off in those programs. In the end the dreams of pizza and cheeseburgers driven by my constant hunger won out. I kept telling her the classic Albert Einstein quote, "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result."

Now I still crave crappy food, but I am not hungry all the time anymore. I worry that I will slip right back into my old ways, but as I've said on many of my posts, I'm taking this one day at a time and figure there are no easy days (except yesterday)! I'm not going to get stressed (stress eater here) about something that might happen 1, 2, or ever 5 years down the road.

Now I'm going out for a run!

[Pam G]

I didnt tell him til after it was done. He would never have "approved". Even now, he keeps telling me "dont lose too much"! Crazy.

[Ann2]

Barbazilla, I didn't have that problem. Hubby's response, when I first started considering WLS, was, "Whatever you want, babe."

However ... the more he learned from me and from the surgeon (he went with me to my first surgeon consultation) the more comfy he got. He also attended (some of) my all-day pre-op educational seminar (he's easily bored).

I also love what Glenn said -- essentially that you don't require your hubby's approval to do this. You may have to decide to take care of yourself. You are definitely worth it.

[Sandra3]

Hunger wins. The hunger always wins.

Many spouses are scared of any kind of change. My husband and I met in High school and he saw me at basically every size in my adult life, from 4 to 24. Of course they love us and see us from that loving perspective, so for them "we are not that big".
But somewhere I think they also get scared that without the layers of fat, we could come out as an other person.

That said, losing weight does trigger hunger hormones and it's normal to be hungry anyway (took me years to realize that it was normal because since childhood I was told I should not eat...it's not a question of willpower, it's biology! ). At least with the sleeve even if we do get hungry down the road, the restriction does help a lot to eat only what we need to continue losing or maintaining. So it's going from managing hunger and diet to managing only the diet ...at least for the first year. This is why it will work.

I hope you husband will change his mind.
There's many studies that show bariatric surgery is the only way to maintain weight loss because diets don't work. I know that showing numbers, studies to my husband, but also the fact that he did come with me to many consults with my team, did help him a lot to understand the process in details.

My husband saw me struggle with my weight for 20 years, but obesity also run on his side of the family. He was against surgery for several weeks but now think that I made the right decision even if the journey was not a walk in the park.

You husband could change his mind, give him some key information to look at and give him some time to reconsider.

But at the end of the day, the decision is your and only yours anyway.

[Sandra3]

I kept telling her the classic Albert Einstein quote, "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result."

I think that one of the point to focus on is that obesity is a disease and we ask help from a surgeon because we are sick. Nobody would say anything if we had a broken leg and needed surgery right?
At some point when the weight is out of control, it's like a spiral and nothing will help on the long way except surgery. It doesn't matter why we are obese....we all face the same wall. And yet....surgery is only a tool, that will need great diet and exercise to succeed.

I did get my husband involved in my "walking program" last year (before I did injure my knees badly) and being part of my effort did make him part of the solution too...it was a great way to also get him be part of the success. It is a journey...but it's easier to have support on the long run.

[Lisa73me]

My sweetie was supportive, he said, "You diet for a month to lose 5 pounds and eat regular for two days and gain 10 pounds. You deserve the surgery if it's what you want." Then I had issues when I had surgery and it scared the hell out of him, so IDK what he would say now. You might have to speak your peace and count to 3... Good luck! BTW, even though I had issues, the surgery was a great decision! I can lose weight so much easier now and keep it off! Yay!

[Barbzilla]

"... it's going from managing hunger and diet to managing only the diet ..."

Bingo! This is what I told him. I'm letting it all sink in, and hopefully he'll come around.

[GigiUSA]

Welcome to the site! You are in the right place for amazing support and a wealth of information and experience from countless others traveling along the same journey. Everyone here is fantastic!! As you move forward, be sure to post your experiences so you can help others too. Most importantly ~ here's wishing you MUCH SUCCESS (hugs)

My husband was surprisingly supportive right out of the gate. This is not his typical reaction to anything but I was very grateful. He accompanied me to Mexico and was a huge support. There were many people that were there without a spouse and were not going to tell them until it was over and they were home. I think you have to do what it right for you. Best wishes to you on whatever you decide.

[NYCGIRL000]

I know exactly why your wife isn't supportive of it. Because you lost all that weight and your hotter and sexier then you were before and she feels threatened that you will go after other women now! Thats exactly what it is. or maybe she probably feels that you did something really great for yourself and your evolving and growing as a person, and she isn't and it makes her feel bad about herself. Either way, it's BS, the whole point of having a spouse is having someone there to SUPPORT you on everything you do (as long as its positive). I think its fantastic you did that so you can be around for your kids for a long long time! And that alone should have her celebrating your decision!

[Christie13]

My husband told me I wasn't fat and didn't need surgery. But he did say he'd support my decision. Now when he sees old pictures he realizes I was indeed fat. Sometimes spouses aren't supportive due to being insecure about why we want to lose weight. My husband flat out asked me if I intended to leave him as he saw the pounds melting away. He actually got on board with the healthy eating and working out and has lost 20 pounds himself. I'd suggest having an honest conversation with why you feel you need it and how you have made up your mind and would like his support but are ready to proceed without it if necessary.