Has WLC affected your marriage/relationship with your spouse or significant other?

[Darkstarwon]

Hi all....I've just joined this group and have so many questions. I've considered surgery for so long but have never gotten the courage to go thru with it. However, I'm to the point now I just feel I really need to do this for my health. Years ago I would have done it just to look better, but I'm not even so concerned about that as much anymore (in my 60's)..but I feel my health has deteriorated due to weight issues and I just feel like every day I'm getting closer to having the big one if I don't lose some weight soon (appr 110# overwt)...As a side note, my spouse is probably 125# overweight, so he could use the surgery as well, but would never consider it or even try to lose it any other way. That's a whole other topic! LOL

We have been married for 46 years and our life revolves around food. Obviously with those #s.. We eat out quite a lot, but I do cook as well, but not the healthiest. I'm very concerned about having the surgery and how it's going to affect our relationship. I already feel that I'm going to become very depressed and angry when we go out to eat and I sit and watch him eat whatever and I eat a 1/2 cup of food or I cook a meal at home of what he would like to eat, knowing I can't eat it.....

I've mentioned to him about having the surgery and I know he'd prefer I didn't do it just because of how different I will be eating/cooking, but he's also said if I want to do it ...go for it, although sometimes I think he's just saying that because he knows I'd never go through with it. I just feel like this is going to put such a strain on our marriage. We aren't involved in a lot and eating out seems to be our main activity we enjoy together and I feel like things are going to be so different once I have this surgery.

I'm curious to know if WLS has affected your marriage or relationship with your spouse and if so how have you handled it.

[tinman]

These are great questions....maybe I can help you here.

Once I started losing weight, I discovered that among my friends and myself, I was the only one who was changing. So, it made sense to me to not ask them to adjust to me, but, for me to adjust to them. I feel like this is very important for a sleever if you intend to try to exist as a sleeved person in a non sleeved world. It's not incumbent on your spouse, significant other, friends, and other family to adjust their lifestyle to suit yours. If you try to make your husband eat out less or eat differently when you do go out to eat, then he will start to resent the intrusion on his otherwise satisfactory lifestyle.

Now, having said that, here's the good news. Contrary to what you might have heard or read on here, you will be able to eat the same foods you eat now, just much less of them. That means you can still go out to eat where ever you want, when ever you want, and have your meal just the way you like it. Just know that you will WANT to eat less. You'll over eat just once or twice before you learn your lesson on over eating. You won't be mad because you can't eat an entire plate or two of food. In fact, over time, you will become very satisfied with eating a couple of bites of everything on your plate and leaving the vast majority behind, or taking it home in a doggie bag.

This same line of thinking also goes with how you approach cooking. Your husband will resist eating differently if you try to make him. But, as I said earlier, you can eat what you want as long as you don't over eat.

In case you haven't figured it out, not over eating is the key maintenance.

So, in conclusion, I think you'll find that you are worrying over nothing, in regards to food. Lot's of marriages end after WLS, but, those marriages were probably in bad shape to begin with. From what I've read on here, one of two things happens. The person who loses the weight gets a completely different self image of themselves when they start to get attention from the opposite sex. They don't know what to do with these conflicted feelings and sometimes, they act out. Again, if the marriage is solid to begin with, this generally isn't an issue. The other issue occurs when the spouse who isn't losing weight becomes jealous of your new look, and of course, the attention you will get from the opposite sex. Even though you can say and do all of the right things, their own negative self image creates a feeling of jealousy. They are jealous of how you look, and that jealousy breed insecurity and that's the genesis of the problem. Again, a solid marriage will mitigate all of that.

As sleeved persons with a new body image and new self esteem, we absolutely have to be aware of how this will affect our spouses and significant others. As I said earlier, you need to willing to make the adjustments and not expect your spouse to make adjustments. Over time though, they will make adjustments in order to make you happy. Just not a first.

I hope this helps you some. Feel free to reach out via pm or email if you want to discuss further.

Peace

[Emmeraldas]

Hello! I am in my 60's also. I have been married (second time around ) for 28 years. My husband and I found ourselves facing those "golden years" in potentially poor health. Our weight was beginning to impact our ability to enjoy things. We had a huge wake-up when we went to Universal Park with our adult kids and found we could not fit in the ride seats. On other family vacations also found we could not go horseback riding, zip lining, even canopy climbing. Somehow between those years of the kids moving out and then them getting interested in family vacations again, we eliminated ourselves from all the fun. Our intimate relationship suffered as well. Somehow just holding hands is not extremely exciting. ;-)

So after a visit to the doctor we decided that we would do this together. I understand not everyone is able to be at the same crossroads of life at the same time but we were. The main reason we did this together is that we did not want the guilt of eating in front of the other person. However, now that we are 4 months after surgery that fear is sort of melting away.

Eating out is not what it used to be. Many places serve such huge portions that we can order our favorite dish and the leftovers can feed us both for a week. Our food bill is modified. We are finding that "food" in general is taking on a new meaning. Since we eat little portions now we can buy more expensive cuts of meat. Food preparation is more for peak flavor rather than quantity. My baking has gone by the wayside. The homemade bread and sweets are now for special occasions and the kids take them home. In addition we are discovering that we spend less time in the kitchen, since one cooked meal usually provides several days of leftovers. left overs is not a bad word.... I make meals that are planned for dividing and freezing. The actual "doing without" phase of pre and post surgical diets are small compared to the rest of your life's improved quality. A few weeks of liquids is doable. Won't lie and say they were the best weeks but they pass and "regular food" returns. In smaller amounts.

You may find that after weight loss the interest in intimacy returns..... (even in the 60's). Mobility is improved and even a hug is better without trying to maneuver around the equivalent of a beach ball between you.

Some decisions you have to make for yourself although it is hard to face making this type of decision without a good support at home. Only you know how sincere your husband is. However, the prospect of living a long time (our life expectancy is longer than our parents) with avoidable health conditions was not for me. It frightened me more than any dietary change I would need to make after surgery.

Good luck with your decision making.

[Pam G]

I've noticed he's feeding me stuff....I asked him yesterday if he's trying to make me gain weight. he said no, but his actions say otherwise.

[sraebaer]

The only change is all the compliments I get every morning as looking like a "hot teacher."

Life together is better than ever. We eat out a lot, that hasn't changed. When we eat at home, he's the chef, always a protein and a veggie. Amazingly supportive. He has been incredible from day one. (Actually incredible our whole married life, as he had to have been embarrassed by the way I looked when fat, and never said anything.)

[Shirl]

I'm 9-months post op tomorrow. My partner has been super supportive in every way imaginable. We travel a lot, and enjoy eating together still, just now I eat a lot more like him lol! He is and always has been super healthy and lean. Even as I lost and regained weight in the six years we have been together, he has never made feel bad. Even at my highest always made me feel beautiful. Now it's a thousand times more! What's awesome it's that now I weigh less than him, finally!

[flintdonnel]

I am only a couple months post op, but I did notice a month ago a sense of jealousy or doubt in my wife's attitude. She saw the weigh coming off and that an attractive person was emerging that she was not used to having others see in public. I sat her down and explained to her that the whole point was that I wanted to spend more time with her. I also expressed that since I was loosing weight and was lighter and more nimble, that I wanted to dance more with her. Then I stepped up and proved my words and she is now getting into the hang of what opportunities are awakening.

[Ann2]

@flintdonnel ... that almost ... almost ... made me cry.

That -- what you did -- was soooo smart. And loving.

[southernmom]

My husband said he would support my decision to have surgery, but I think he really didn't feel like I'd go through with it. When I actually made my appointment, set my surgery date, and began my pre op diet, reality began to set in. Being in the medical field, he felt it necessary to inform me of all the risks involved with the surgery. (I'm a nurse, and after researching the procedure, I was already well informed.) I stuck to my decision and went through with it, and I am so glad that I did! We like to eat out a lot as well, and we still do. I order grilled meats and veggies and end up taking most of it home for the next couple of days. The hardest part is when we go to restaurants with buffets. Your head says to fill up your plate, but you're stomach will say no. After reading some blogs from sleevers that travel to Disney World, I now have a different perspective on buffets. I look at it as an opportunity to choose the healthiest options offered at a restaurant. I would never refuse a brunch/buffet because I don't feel that others should have to change because of my decision to have surgery. I think that would be a cause of resentment. At home, I cook lean meats and veggies. For him, I'll add a starch or two, but it really hasn't been an issue. (I've never been a baker.) He has even admitted to me that he's a little jealous of my weight loss, but could never do the surgery because he doesn't have the mental commitment and would never give up his beer, and that's okay. I think if you are open and honest about the realities of the surgery with each other, things will work out.

[Christie13]

My husband has been absolutely supportive. He is my best friend and we support each other in everything.

[Leslieann]

My husband is very supportive. I still cook foods for him I wouldn't eat but it doesn't bother me. We go out and I order a sensible meal and of course never finish it. He's also loving my new size!!

[Merriegold]

I've joined this group and I'm actually learning a lot just by ready all your comments.

[Mbenson5]

My ex and I had the sleeve within a few months of each other and divorced 5 years later - it was never a good marriage, and now he is remarried and I am dating someone wonderful - we are so much happier now. It just goes to show that yes, relationships do change but sometimes for the better. We have both kept our weight off and are still amicable. It's all up to you how things change. Take care and best wishes!

[Merriegold]

Guys, with all this attention I was focusing on like, other people, I totally forgot to sort of tell you something that now I see is probably important. WHen I started losing weight, friends that I thought were real friends started to like, take me out to restaurants and try to feed me MORE. In otherwords, it's almost like they WANTED me to be FAT!!!!! Seriously, I am just so lucky I have a group like you to vent to!