I was a very good athlete growing up- it was pretty much my identity. When stepping on a field or a court, I could block out any insecurities I may have had and compete with the best of them. Did it for years even after college. I didn't gain my weight until after I had my kids (3)...Staying home with them and realizing that nearly all the child rearing responsibilities landed squarely in my lap. I became frustrated with the lack of help from my 'better half'- eating to cover emotions that I didn't dare to share - as I'm not a big fan of confrontation (although I am MUCH better at speaking my mind these days! LOL!) As I gained weight, I became more withdrawn from friends and found myself pretty depressed. I grew up thinking that depression was something people almost chose- that if you wanted to , you could 'snap out of it'. Not until finding myself in that situation, did I realize nothing could be further from the truth. It can be a very unpleasant, ugly place to be. Grasping at things to make you feel that your life is worth something...Not fun!
Putting others before myself for so many years has stomped me to the ground. My identity went from an athlete, to a wife (with a new last name cause it was the fairy-tale thing to do), to a mom, to an over weight mom, to an obese mom. Yet, all this time, my head still longed for the athletic competition I loved so much! I dabbled a bit from time to time, but was so frustrated because my body could no longer do what my mind wanted to do. Last January (2014), I was at the point I decided enough was enough. I joined a 12 week weight training program - where we were also taught how to eat more healthy. We also had before and after pictures-in a bra and shorts- to capture our progress! But I did it and I followed the program...I felt awesome (after the first week of hardly being able to walk). At week 12, I had gone from 216lbs to 189lbs, had lost a lot of fat and many inches. I was walking on cloud 9- certainly not to my goal weight, but I was on my way and feeling SO much better!! I even started the next 12 week session...and then made a drastic mistake- I looked at my before and after pictures. I couldn't believe I was still so ...unattractive...jiggly...fat. The switch in head flipped and the train derailed. I was sliding down that slope again. Continued sliding and now find myself pushing 230lbs I can no longer live like this. I have no energy. I feel like I am being dragged through life instead of living it. Last month I started doing some research on bariatric surgery. I attended an informational meeting with a group near my home & was told the process could take 3-4 months before surgery. I also realized that I am just on the outer edge of the acceptable range for surgery and may be turned down by my insurance to boot. I am ready for this now and have turned my attention to the possibility of going out of the states to have it done.
I really feel this is my only choice. I hope to learn from the informative posts and gain some supportive, positive online friends that are going through the same things. I also hope to be able to take all the negative crap I hear on these boards regarding surgery in Mexico with a grain of salt- remembering that while on vacation here in the US, my dad went into anaphylactic shock and was given too much medication that basically fried his heart. Bad things can happen anywhere. At least with this sleeve surgery, I have a hope of living again!
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