Very depressed and concerned, in search of answers, suicidal thoughts

[cowgirljane]

suicidal thoughts are no joke - please seek professional help.

I am 3 years post op. If you click on my profile you can see before and after photos. I am so much happier now. I DO eat at restaurants and enjoy "normal" things but just in petite portions. I don't really have any "food problems" Food doesn't really make you happy, it is fuel that tastes good. I feel very very strongly that the emotional feelings are a much bigger issue than any boredom with protein drinks or healhty food or whatever. If your mind isn't clear and strong, this will be very difficult to maintain over the long haul.

Hang in there and good luck.

[Terps]

Tie a know in the end of your rope and hang on, my friend!! I've been suicidal...depression is a serious disease (but not all suicidal people are depressed.) Acknowledging my problem, getting help and medication truly was a lifesaver.

I'm only 6 months out and can eat anything I want...just smaller amounts, which is a great feeling! You'll get there too. One day, one hour, one moment at a time. We are all here for you!!!

[Elizabeast]

The ostomy alone is not an easy thing..I lost part of my bowel three years ago on my birthday six days after being sent home from an emergency room without tests or treatment by a resident who seemed to think I was just abusing the system. I lived with the ostomy and the depression and Ptsd for 28 months before having a reversal....I'm not a believer in surgery...the first one was done without informed consent - I had been lead to believe they were only going to drain pus. I've been dealing with wanting to die since I woke up and it's a very difficult thing. The suicidal feelings and depression from what I've read and heard and experienced myself are common. Like 60 percent of ostomates consider suicide according to one study I read. That figures goes down consierably after having a reversal surgery as quality of life can improve. I'm, unfortunately, not one of those that's ever gotten over wanting to die, but I think some of that is due to circumstances...I don't believe in surgery, at all...and I could have avoided any of these problems if I had gotten standard blood tests and antibiotics.

I wish you well.

[sraebaer]

Hard to imagine losing weight depressing people, it made me so excited! I was on my way to being healthy and regular-sized! Do you want to stay fat and sick?

I am 4 years out and there is nothing I can't enjoy. I am not on a diet and never have been. I still have a Diet Coke once in a while. I have meals with friends, like a steak, all the time! (Sorry, I don't like beer, but if I liked it I would have one. I will have a glass of wine.) Last night we went out to celebrate hubby's birthday and I had grilled shrimp, but I did sample a little of the amazing bread. Brought some shrimp home for today's lunch.

You will find that just because you eat a smaller portion, you enjoy it just as much, maybe more. What's wrong with one piece of delicious pizza, that you eat slowly and savor? Do you have to eat the whole pizza to enjoy it? Why would pigging out make you happy?

We entertain all the time. We eat out all the time. Life is good! Please stop worrying that you will be deprived the rest of your life. You won't. It's only the first 6 weeks that you have to follow a special diet. After that it's protein first, then veggies, then something else if you have room. It becomes a habit and is not difficult.

Please get help for your depression. You need professional help. Good luck!

[Stacey03]

6 Months ago my colon ruptured in 3 places, and had to be removed. The surgeon said he could use my small intestine in place of my colon and large intestine. 20 years of prednisone, remicade, and other steroids and immune suppressors to control my ulcerative colitis helped get me to 300 lbs. The surgeon said I would have to lose 100lbs for him to reconnect me and help me get rid of the stoma and bag.

Here is where the problem comes in. I could not lose it on my own, tried and failed many times. So in desperation I would have agreed to about anything. I looked at the weight as a secondary problem and greatly underrated my addiction and love for food. Basically for 20 years the only thing I could enjoy was food. Now I am 2 weeks post sleeve surgery, and losing weight but feeling very depressed.

I now fear a life where I will feel like I am permanently on a diet and can't enjoy a coke, a meal with friends, a steak, a beer, etc. Can it be reversed, or stretched so I can eat and enjoy food, carbonated drinks, bread, the things I love.

I will be the first to admit I underrated the lifestyle change I would be taking on, now I am miserable, I am hungry, I am so depressed that with 2 more surgeries facing me to reconnect my intestines I am battling suicidal thoughts.

What is the quality of life like after a year or 2? Life for me has been pain day after day after day, have I lost the only thing I was able to enjoy? I didn't do a psych evaluation, and wish I did. So sorry for unloading here, but I just am praying my future looks brighter than my past.

I can't tolerate any more of the protein shakes, and liquid diet. I have extreme gag reflexes, cant take crushed meds.

It sounds like life has been really tough for you. Ulcerative colitis can be total hell. You have been through a lot and I can understand how this must be really hard for you. I do think you need to see a doctor or therapist / probably both straight away. I think that is an absolute priority to get some support through this stage. Absolute priority. Please go and talk to a health professional and please let us know how you go (although I don't think this is the best platform for issues like this) but I do want to know how you go because when someone reaches out on the internet with suicidal thoughts, I just want to come and get you and take you to the doctor myself.
I think your issues are a bit more complex than some general issues and people just saying pull yourself together and make a choice are not helpful in this situation. I'm all for tough love but when someone is mentioning suicidal thoughts I think we have to be very careful. And kind.
I do hope that you go and seek help and get a paln together to help with this changing period in your life. And I want to know how you are doing 6 months from now, a year from now etc.
Hang on for today. Make the appointment.

[sraebaer]

Do you want to die? Pretty simple question. Answer that first, the rest gets easier once that question is firmly answered. If you do, no big deal, folks kill themselves every day in this country. You will be in the paper for a day, a few folks might read the obituary, that will be about it.

I find it amazing some will simple not take the advice and wisdom of THOUSANDS who come here to share their story. Pretty disrespectful in my eyes, the openly give so much, show a clear path, and some choose to ignore it. WOW, such arrogance to disregard that mountain of evidence and jump into the pity party. Must take a level of self indulgence and disdain for others I simply can not imagine.

I am 5.5 days post op, sick of protein water and broth, sick and freaking tired.... but so what, big fat deal, that an $1 will get me a large (unsweet) tea at McDonalds. So freaking what. My life is worth so much more than a freaking cheeseburger, or 3/4 of a pizza, at 10:00 pm. The sacrifice is so pathetic compared to the reward. So horribly pathetic.

Reading the THOUSANDS of stories I read here, I figure out something, I am going to be able to eat a steak, drink a beer, go out with friends for or dinner, and do all the other stuff I want to, and can now do, and a LOT more. Hell, I will even eat pizza again in a few months.

I will just eat smaller portions. And hopefully run a marathon, or become a fitness trainer in what ever free time I can come up with. Or climb a mountain looking for elk and not be miserable, or do something I have comprehension of because I will be much lighter, and able to do things I yet can imagine.

For me, and most here, that is it, smaller portions and lead an amazing life, or die early.

Its a choice, our creator made us Free Men and Women, we get a CHOICE. Its an amazing blessing, or curse, depending how we use it.

I suggest choose to live, so what, a few weeks (or even months) of not pigging out like a hog at a feed pen, and decades of a much better life, or die.

Learn to eat different, or die a pathetic example of someone who would not suffer through a few weeks of less than bountiful meals.

It is a choice, no more, no less.

What would you tell you kid to do? Might ought to do that.

But hey, I am just some guy in West KY who does not get it, I am stupid, I do not know everyone's struggles, mine are so easy, yada, yada, yada....

I made my choice. Might want to get on about making yours, life is simpler when we remove all these unmade decisions.

Love your attitude, and you! You will go far my friend!

[Stacey03]

Love your post, your attitude, and you! You will go far my friend!

Hmmm, I understand what he was saying but I think he could have added a little bit of sugar to that. Mind you, I am the sugar sprinkler :-)

[Ann2]

Y'all, the original post on this thread was made almost 3 years ago.

Just sayin'.

[Stacey03]

Y'all, the original post on this thread was made almost 3 years ago.

Just sayin'.

OH!!! Well I hope this person got by and is okay then :-)

[Katrina]

I worry that the original poster did not get through this. He never had anymore activity 4 days after he made this post. And Jesus Christ, Numbers, you're a dick! If someone is reaching out for help, your best idea is to hand them a rope, gun, and a knife. Aren't you fucking special for not knowing what true depression feels like. That poor guy.

[sraebaer]

Hmmm, I understand what he was saying but I think he could have added a little bit of sugar to that. Mind you, I am the sugar sprinkler :-)

True, but I was talking about the new guy's attitude towards the sleeve, not the original poster and his problems. However now I see it's 3 years old so wonder how these really old posts keep popping up.

[Ann2]

This guy is apparently still alive and kicking as an insurance broker (he posted last week on LinkedIn, recruiting insurance agents to work with him).

I have Google Fu.

[Stacey03]

This guy is apparently still alive and kicking as an insurance broker (he posted last week on LinkedIn, recruiting insurance agents to work with him).

I have Google Fu.

Ann!!!! You are totes Miss Marple! LOL!

[Stacey03]

True, but I was talking about the new guy's attitude towards the sleeve, not the original poster and his problems. However now I see it's 3 years old so wonder how these really old posts keep popping up.

Yeah, I love good attitudes too :-)

[sraebaer]

This guy is apparently still alive and kicking as an insurance broker (he posted last week on LinkedIn, recruiting insurance agents to work with him).

I have Google Fu.

Good to know!! I wonder if his health problems resolved. Can you find that on google?