The question no one wants to ask

[mlrisser]

Ok, so I know I probably won't get too many replies (I know it's a deeply personal subject) but here goes. How many people are married and thought their marriage would survive WLS. How many have had an affair now that you're thin and more attractive?

I've done both! I love my husband, but recently I've done a lot of thinking and I realized I haven't been in love with my him for a long time. 600 days ago I could honestly say I was madly in love with him. IDK what changed. Could it be the attention I get now is clouding my thinking? Mostly I ignore it, but I found someone who I am very attracted too and things have escalated to between the sheets. I'm having fun. I'm not naive enough to think anything is going to come of the affair so I keep asking myself what are you doing? Your husband is an amazing man, he loves you, is madly in love with you. Treats you like a queen... WTF is wrong with you? I have yet to come up with an answer in my head.

So I came here, hoping (that's probably the wrong word considering I'm "hoping" someone else has had an affair) that I could get some other opinions.

I realize I opened this can of worms and am ready for views of all kinds, I only ask that you keep religion out of it. I'm well aware of adultery is a sin.

[PersianChick]

I have not been sleeved yet but it is around corner. I have read that this is a very real problem (side effect) of WLS. What's funny is when I recently told my husband about the divorce rate of WLS patients .... he said, "I promise I won't leave you" hahahaha = I said ... no honey it's the person who makes the transformation that leaves or has the affair, etc. Does your husband already know about the affair? If not, I would immediately cut it off and get things straight with your hubby - counseling would probably be in the picture for you individually and as a couple. By the way, I know you said no religion ... but you have a wonderful quote in your signature "Trust in the Lord with all thine Heart" .... no need to say more

[justilou]

I would suggest that you take yourself to a counsellor. None of the people on this site know you in person - your history, your relationship, etc... Perhaps the weight you lost was hiding things you really need to sort out - now it's gone, are you afraid of dealing with these things, or are they forcing a confrontation that you're not ready to have? You are probably more vulnerable than you want anyone to think, and I would hate you to be attacked by people's opions. I am not judging your affair, but be aware that it could be a different form of self-destructive behaviour that needs addressing.

[Ann2]

I'm with Justine -- I don't know you and wouldn't begin to advise you on this topic. Not gonna touch that with a ten-foot pole.

EDIT: Except to say that if that couple in the photograph is you and your husband, that's pretty cold-blooded to post it here on a public message board with the news that you're cheating on him.

And to Persian Chick ... sorry, but some WLS patients' marriages end because their spouses leave them. That street goes two ways.

[jmw]

Well, clearly it is an issue in a percentage of people who lose massive amounts of weight in a short time. Most of us heard of the 'risk' going in. For me, it made me very nervous. I love and adore my husband and wanted to go in to this with my eyes wide open, acting proactively, taking steps to avoid the relationship perils that I had heard often accompany wls. Being 8.5 months out, I can say, that so far, so good. But, I am sad for you that it has not been that way for you. I think there are a million reasons that could contribute. Some of the main ones are:
-looking for validation of improved good looks from others
-needing others to really feel good about oneself
-having 'settled' with your current spouse, and now, with improved confidence and attractiveness, are not will to settle anymore
-selfishness- I think that this surgery brings out a narcissistic side in many people
-working on oneself to the detriment on one's relationship
-wanting someone who didn't know you as the fat person that you used to be
-using others, and the attn they provide, to build your esteem, confidence
-transfer addiction

Regardless of the reason, my advice would be to stop immediately and get your ass to a therapist. The only surety that I know in all of this is that you, and your husband, deserve better than this.

[Missy1973]

I have a theory. I think as overweight people we have used food as a way to give ourselves a hit of pleasure. Our brains react similarly to someone doing heroin when we eat a sugary substance. After the surgery we can't get high off food anymore so we find other things to give our brains that chemical dopamine high. An affair blows that brain chemistry up! Some post-op folks turn to exercise, some booze and some love the new confidence that comes from losing the weight and they channel that into responding to the attention they are getting now that they may have never gotten before. I had an affair years ago. I was thin back then and felt like I looked good enough naked for someone else to be attracted to me. I can tell you this. The affair was fun and exciting but the guilt I felt was horrible. I loved my husband too but I missed passion so much. You find that passion again when you start a relationship with someone else. Plus, there is the fact that when you and that person are together it's like a vacation from your real life. You don't argue with him about the bills, you don't pick his laundry up off the floor, you don't have to deal with his family. It makes for a perfect little escapade. But know this, these things tend to bite us in the ass. My karma came back to haunt me. I came clean with my husband and found out a few years later that he had an affair of his own. Partly to get even and partly to see what it was all about. I was devastated but able to accept that I brought it on myself. My husband and I got counseling and have moved past our mistakes to find that we still have a wonderful marriage but we almost lost it all. I can't tell you what you should do because there are just some lessons in life we have to learn the hard way and anyway you are a grown woman who can make your own decisions. I think you are normal with loving the attention and excitement but they do come at a cost. You just have to decide if it's all worth it. Best of luck to you!

[greenmomma]

I agree with Jessica, but want to add, do not tell your husband about the affair. It will only hurt him. You may think it's the right thing to do. It isn't. If you want to save your marriage, end the affair and "confess" to your therapist or spiritual guidance. Now that I've gotten that out of the way I will tell you that although I am not married, and not in a relationship, I am enjoying some promiscuity lately. No glove, no love.

Peace,

Momma

[Marvinator]

That would be devastating to me to be in his position. Nobody here can speak to what got you to this point, only that what you are doing is playing with fire and could be very destructive in your life and others around you, no matter how good or fun it feels right now. And if you were willing to leave your husband for the other man, keep in mind you would be having a relationship with a man willing to sleep with someone else's wife.

[katlike]

Just remember that your husband loved even though you were overweight. These new guys only give you attention because you are thinner.
Says a lot.

[Marvinator]

To answer your question in the original post, I am still married and its just as good as ever. And I have not considered cheating. I get more attention now and obviously thats better than being invisible to people but I am content and totally in love with my wife of 16 years and wouldnt ever consider doing anything to jeopardize my marriage.

[toutdesuite]

This reeks of replacement addiction. I agree with those who suggested counseling.

[niamh]

Don't know if you're wanting thoughts from people who haven't had an affair since their WLS and remain happily married, but here's my thoughts anyway...

As Ann mentioned above, out of respect for your husband, please remove the picture of the two of you as your avatar. Apart from the fact that I feel like I'm violating his privacy by seeing his picture and knowing that he doesn't know - you risk him finding out in the most heartless of ways either by him happening across this, or someone else. If I found out that my husband had cheated on me AND talked about it to a bunch of strangers at the same time as posting my picture on the internet it would completely intensify my humiliation. Using us a confidential sounding board is one thing, identifying yourself and your unaware husband is another altogether.

I'm an atheist, so no danger of religion influencing my thinking. I believe in honesty and respect in relationships though. I understand that you didn't choose to become attracted to this other person, and also that sexual chemistry can be very compelling, but now this has snuck up and bit you on the arse you have some choices to make. If you want to get out of the end of this with self-respect, and the possibility of saving your marriage, you must take steps toward either ending the affair, or taking a break from your marriage while you sort this out.

There is no way you can save or work on your marriage while you are having an affair. Don't kid yourself with ideas of 'getting it out of your system', and then somehow settling back into the norm.

Of course, you may not be ready to make that choice and might stay in this pattern of distressing limbo for a while - as long as you're honest with yourself that it's harmful but that you're stuck, that might be the understandable quandary you're in right at the moment. It's a selfish one though - maybe you need to reflect on why it feels ok to be so self-absorbed at the moment that none of the questions above that you posed have anything to do with concern about deceiving and hurting this great man. All your questions relate to how he feels about you and treats you, and your fear of throwing that away for yourself, nothing about your obligation of honesty and respect toward him.

I know what I've written might sound harsh but there really are two issue here. One is about whether you have a foundation to continue in your marriage, and that's a tricky question which nobody can answer and might take some extended time for you to work out. The second is about your choices of how you behave in response to these feelings, and your obligation to treat your husband with respect regardless of whether you're in love with him and want to stay with him or not. The first one might take some time for you to work out, but the second one you can get cracking on even though your feelings are confused. Start working on trying to align your behaviour with your values instead of your feelings.

When I was in my mid-20s I had an affair, and it was horrible for everyone involved. My husband at the time didn't find out, but I'm sure he suspected and it was just awful living with myself being a sneaky lying person who threw her values out of the window for lust. I did get the courage to leave some months later not expecting the other relationship to happen but because I just couldn't live a lie anymore. Perhaps in a case of karma I was utterly screwed over by the guy I was having an affair with who went back and forward between me and another woman for the best part of 18 months.

I'm sorry that you find yourself stuck like this - I bet you didn't mean to and maybe thought you were harmlessly flirting and then found yourself in the middle of it when it felt too late to want to withdraw. And I feel terrible for your husband because he sounds like a great guy and doesn't deserve this.

I hope you find some resolution soon.

[mlrisser]

Thank you all for the input. I do appreciate it, and I knew going into it the topic would not be welcomed with open arms.

My apologies about the pic. It's been a long time since I posted on here and I didn't realize the pic had my husband in it.

He knows of my unhappiness lately and we've agreed on counseling. I've been happily married for 16 years and I think you all have a lot of good points and I agree with most of them. I do think JMW is the most accurate in needing validation of attractiveness.

[Terps]

You're a brave woman to pose your question.

One year from now, what decision will you be proud you made? Dig deep, it may be tough but you need to stop. This kind of behavior can lead you to start overeating again. It's destructive to your psyche and your soul. End it cold turkey, honor yourself and your vows. Do not tell your hubby, either commit to working on your marriage or let him know you want out. You can't have your cake and eat it too.

Do the right thing....you'll thank yourself later.

[Lee6Lee]

I haven't read the responses yet, but I think your posting this was your way of "coming clean". Do you have kids? What would they think if they knew? What we do affects more than ourselves.

Just read all the posts. A lot of wise people here.