It's MY issue, not theirs...

[one4sailn]

So this post is about me and my dating life. (Aren't you THRILLED?!)

This is the first time in my adult life that I have dated as a slimmer gal. At my heaviest weight of 275, I was fortunate enough to still attract handsome, sharp guys. The DOWNSIDE to that, is that i was the fun, pretty, HEAVY gal who was a blast to date...but certainly not to marry. When relationships ran their course, I always was under the impression that I was awesome to date, but no one wanted a heavy gal as a "keeper." (Hang in there with me, this is real talk) If I'm honest with myself, I certainly wasn't attracted to 275lb men. I abhor double standards, so it's only fair to accept that it's completely okay for a man to desire an in-shape, fairly healthy gal. Why do plus size women get bent out of shape when they bash men who don't love/accept curves? When I look deep within, I know I desire a man who cares about his health and is in-shape. It's fair, is my point.

So tomorrow night I have a date with a fantastic guy I met on an online dating thingy. Super fit, smart, funny, great dad to a daughter one year older than my own, etc. We have had long phone conversations over the last 4 or 5 days, exchanged pictures, have so much in common, laugh hard, etc. Here's the kicker...he has already asked me on a second date BEFORE we have had our first date, because he thinks I AM A KEEPER! So why does my brain automatically think that I need to not get my hopes up, he's a "for right now" kind of guy who isn't going to commit to me long term, is off his rocker for thinking I am the best thing since sliced bread, etc. I have always thought that any man who gets overly excited about me has GOT to have a screw loose....not that I don't think I'm a helluva catch, because I do...but because I think something is off, with them. You know, like there has to be a catch! (Did I mention I've even told him about my weight loss journey in advance, so he could back out?)

I've realized it is MY issue, not theirs. I need to trust my newly improved self-love, and get past the old weight issues that still influence my thoughts. No matter HOW confidant I may THINK I was, clearly I had hangups. I recognize it, and need to relax and trust that this really excited, fun, handsome, sharp man has really legit intentions when he says he has butterflies about our date, tomorrow night. Damn any thoughts in my mind that say "you're not worth it." I need my brain to catch up with my body...

Admitting my flaws is the first step, right? Thank you for this sounding board, friends.

[Missy1973]

Have fun on your date! Just enjoy it, don't overthink it.

[Chunky]

Go enjoy yourself. I'd say take things one step at a time. You are worth it -- but first, see if you like him. You are 1/2 of the equation here. It's not just about if the guy wants you, it's about if you want the guy

[Joe Poppa]

Give a relationship time to develop.
You don't need to drop the "F-bomb" (you use to be, forgive me for saying it, fat) before or during the 1st date. Later on you could bring it up.

Have a great time.

[Joe Poppa]

Give a relationship time to develop.
You don't need to drop the "F-bomb" (you use to be, forgive me for saying it, fat) before or during the 1st date. Later on you could bring it up.

Have a great time.

[Sarasjourney]

Old habits die hard, as the saying goes. If this is your first time dating as a slimmer person then of course the old thought bag is going to come out and spill its contents everywhere. Why shouldn't it? The thing you have to remember here is you're a different person than you were, say, last year. You not only weigh less but chances are your personality has changed in some ways to match the new outside and you're viewing the world in a new way. So those old feelings? They don't apply anymore. You're not that person anymore. You're a new you with a new life to live and honey you can live it however you please.

And I second Chunky. Make sure you're in to this guy as much as he's in to you. Your opinion counts too, don't just end up with him because he's showing some interest despite you trying to "ward him off" and all. Date the guy because he makes you laugh, makes you feel awesome, whatever else it is you look for in a partner.

[one4sailn]

I agree with all your responses! I have dated a few guys in my newer bod that I simply didn't have chemistry with. I think that's why I am getting the "this one could be too good to be true" self doubting garbage. I'm definitely one to take my time, just don't want to sabotage it with old thoughts to where I can't give it a legit chance.

Scott, it's SO typical of me to throw up the "hey, I'm a former fatty who has undergone weight loss surgery" to give the guy a chance to bolt. I think I wanted to see if he was superficial or not. Why do I DO that?! (sigh)

I'm going to relax, and enjoy. I deserve something great, the key is shutting the old way of thinking OFF.

[Terps]

Enjoy the date, don't over analyze. You're totally worth the positive attention, so relax and enjoy.

[WillowAK]

You're a beautiful girl. If you were the smart fun girl at 275 then your the same girl in the smaller body. What a lucky girl you are!!
Self doubt is a pattern that takes a while to change. Look in the mirror every day and say 5 things you are grateful for about yourself. I know this sounds a bit cheesy, but it really works if you treat the exercise with respect.

Also, speaking from experience, be leery of men who want to move too fast in general. Not to say he isn't a wonderful guy. That's two cents anyway

[one4sailn]

Also, speaking from experience, be leery of men who want to move too fast in general. Not to say he isn't a wonderful guy. That's two cents anyway

Agreed! I always have thought this, but I think it also causes me to throw up walls and automatically think they're off kilter when it's very possible he's just excited. Such a fine line, you know? Thank you for your words...

[tinman]

And now...for the man's perspective.

Single men with children have some of the same challenges in dating that women do. Couple that with the idea that he may be lonely, and you get a better idea where he is coming from. He has found someone who has readily identified her flaws and he finds that refreshing. I can promise you that in the back of his mind he is thinking that if she is so ready to admit her former weight and WLS, then she has to be accepting of my drawbacks. Now, what are the drawbacks? Well, on the surface, I would say the HE perceives the fact that he is a single parent as a drawback. Remember. We are not talking about how you think or feel. We are talking about how HE thinks you are thinking and feeling.

Since you two have apparently hit it off without meeting, the chances you will hit it off after you meet are probably pretty good. It's hard to fake a good telephone conversation. All this guy wants to do is make sure you know he's interested without having met you.

So, my advice would be to try to think about the situation from his perspective. Your self esteem and outlook on life are fantastic. His might not be as good as yours. However, good attitudes and infectious personalities are contagious. I think he thinks he's found someone that will accept him for his flaws and is interested in being more interested.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Oh....go have a great time. This is the fun part of being single.

[Stephanie2]

I think the only thing you can do is be real. Good, bad and ugly you are you. Either he is going to like you or not. Of course it is always nice to put your best foot forward at the beginning of dating but the best you can do is be yourself and if that's not enough then he wasn't so great after all. We all have wonderful aspects about ourselves and we also have those little demons that have us one step away from being on Dr. Phil but I have learned if its meant to be it will work out. I always thought that sounded stupid until I met my boyfriend. I didn't trust men, thought I had to be more exciting and always act or look a certain way. After a period of time of dating I would slowly become my true self and I would slowly discover Mr. Wonderful wasn't so wonderful, he was just a guy that I really wasn't meant to be with. I've learned that I am very lovable just for being me. Silly, smart, dumb, goofy, fat, skinny, act together, complete mess me. I hope you are holding your chin up and loving yourself first and if he is truly wonderful he will see how wonderful you are as well. Have fun!

[PITSTOP]

Go enjoy yourself. I'd say take things one step at a time. You are worth it -- but first, see if you like him. You are 1/2 of the equation here. It's not just about if the guy wants you, it's about if you want the guy

Chunky, thats exaclty what my grandmother used to tell me when I was nervous about going out on a date. She said, "When you walk through the door to meet him, dont worry if he is going to like YOU. You worry about if you are going to like HIM." Keep you eye out for Mr. Right, not Mr. Right Now!

Jessica, I know its easier said than done but try to enjoy today and dont worry about tomorrow. What doesnt kill us, makes us stonger!

[jmw]

Any man worth your time will recognize you as a keeper. Have fun!

[Joe Poppa]

A good man is hard to find and a hard man is.......(never mind, this is a PG rated forum).