I race home to corral my ankle biters (3 and 5 year old boys). I am starving and three weeks out from surgery. Protein shake? Nah! See the always delicious pretzel buns on the counter top and totally forget that bread aint' for me - not that I decided that, but I was told by the nutritionist. I know I shouldn't have bread, and up until that moment I took the time to look at the dark brown, soft, heavenly delight, I had stuck by the no bread mantra. I grab a bun and go!
Race to get the kids in the car for a trip to McD's for their dinner and I scarf down that bun without a care. I am totally amazed that I am able to finish it. Holy crap! I can eat bread. Milliseconds from this thought digestive reality bears down on me with with waves of doubt that I may have bitten off more than I can chew.
I am salivating - not sure why - but I am doing it by the gallon. There's gotta be a market for this, I think. I could sell my saliva to those that have none! Getting up to highway speeds in the car, the kids are careless and screaming at the top of their lungs about transformers and superman and batman.
Waves of pain hit me. I am now stuck in traffic moaning. The older of my two tells me I need more medicine. I think to myself that he needs to shut his yapper and leave me alone. I am swallowing the unending flow of mouth yuck only to feel it add to my waves of stomach pain.
Panic enters my mind - the cacophony of child banter continues at volume 11. I am going to loose my mind!
I pull into McD's and get in the drive through line. Can I do this?, I think. I pull out, race across the parking lot, jump out of the car and yack up a salivary nightmare with what appears to be soft parts of a pretzel roll. This is my first time at throwing up with a newly reduced digestive system. Frankly it aint all that bad - but really any reverse-eating is not good.
I am able to get back on line, buy their happy meals and bring them home. I continue to get sick periodically for the next 45 minutes until the roll finally passes out of my stomach.
I come to the realization that my relationship with those rolls are now officially over. Late nights, me and my costco rolls, a little candle light, some Barry White tunes and bun to mouth intimacy is no longer to be had. Sad times.
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