Just a little gripe

[TulipMom]

While I am happy that my whole family is on board with me having this surgery. Each in their own way has told me that they are happy and they are doing little things to show their support. However, it just seems that now discussing my body and size and whatnot has become completely acceptable. Primarily its my Mom. Granted she was making comments that kind of hurt me before I told her. But now it seems that at every opportunity, and maybe I am just being overly sensitive, she kind of looks me over and then says something about my body that hurts me.

I do suspect I am being overly sensitive because I myself have begun to really see myself. Does that make sense. I used to avoid mirrors and avert my eyes because I didn't want to deal with my issue. But I am out of denial now. But I am struggling with continuing to feel good about who I am, as I was before I starting looking in mirrors again and paying attention, and I don't like all of this attention. Does that sound weird?

Maybe it is just something I need to "get over" and get used to because once I have surgery and really start losing lbs, I will get more comments.

[kps317]

The comments have always existed, you are just finally hearing them. At least you know what they are saying.

You are gonna be so happy in the near future that the comments will roll off you back.

[Dee Leshuz]

People, esp. family, can really suck at times. They think that just b/c you're related they can make any comment they want.

My family was against the sleeve AND bitched at me for years for being too skinny/too fat before I had the surgery. I'd lose weight b/c they bitched at me, and then they'd try to force feed me every time they saw me.

Sigh. Consider this web page your family of choice now. Not dumping your original fam, but when you need support for your new lifestyle.

[Msvetrn]

People, esp. family, can really suck at times. They think that just b/c you're related they can make any comment they want.

My family was against the sleeve AND bitched at me for years for being too skinny/too fat before I had the surgery. I'd lose weight b/c they bitched at me, and then they'd try to force feed me every time they saw me.

Sigh. Consider this web page your family of choice now. Not dumping your original fam, but when you need support for your new lifestyle.

Very good, Dee!!!

[Foxy'smom]

Since I had my sleeve surgery, my sister tells everyone she sees that I had weight loss surgery. I'm not sure how it is any of their business or why she needs to tell everyone, but it bothers me a little. So I had surgery that aides in portion control, but the rest of this battle is up to me. I wish you the best with your family. My mom is afraid for me to eat anything, ever. I tell her I have to eat or I will die... I'm sure they will get used to it in time and it won't be such a big deal. I just have to accept that they are having trouble accepting my changes and love them through it.

[Dee Leshuz]

Yeah, I've finally learned to say I understand (and actually am sympathetic) to the fact that you had a bad day or whatever, but it's not okay to take it out on me (or if you forget and do it accidentally there better be an apology in there pretty quick.)

Get a shrink, yoga, etc. whatever you need to de-stress but dumping your negative feelings on me is not an option anymore.

[incredibleshrnkngshirly]

I've had family issues over my weight loss. Mother in law never passes up a chance to point out that my Gastric by pass sister in law looks much better than I do with my sleeve. I know it's my fault that I'm not at goal. But looking at my sister in law, she is very thin and looks great just very wrinkled. It doesn't bother her or me either. I won't wear the short shorts like she does no matter how much I lose. It's hard to deal with family. Just have to let their comments go out the door with them. It's hard, and hurtful. We have each other...new family on here!

[TulipMom]

Thank you all for your kind remarks. I knew that you would be able to help me feel better.

[JudyB]

I don't know what it is about family ... God love them. lol Geez, they can make me crazy! lol I'm sorry for repeating myself, but I still recommend a book called Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud. It's written w/love ... but, helps you stand up for yourself and quit being a doormat ... It's almost like when someone finds our "trigger", they just can't help but pull it everytime they see us!!!! lol I'm 55, my father is 88 (88!!!) and suffers from dementia. You know what stuck in his mind and what he says every time he sees me (lives in another state) ... he states in front of whoever is there (loudly) that he can not believe how fat I am, how broad I am, how I look compared to when I was younger, how much older I look ....sigh. All of my love and great kids achievements and awards and success no longer exists .... I'm fat. Sigh .... we're here for you TulipMom!!!! And for the record .... you are sooooo much skinnier than me!!! lol!!!!! You're looking good, Girl!!! May you have a wonderful and successful week!

[TulipMom]

Thanks! You brightened my day!

[Little Verbena]

I recently moved back to my home state so that way I could be near my family. But my home state is Texas and I moved to the far end of it so I wasn't TOO near them. I have a six hour drive to see my family and I like it that way. I have to believe they mean well but man they sure can get under your skin. It seems like everything I wanted to try and do my mother would come up with negative comments about it. I finally told my mother that I wonder what my life would have been like if she had ever encouraged me at anything. That gave her pause, but it is so ingrained in her now she just won't stop. I have decided that I will not tell them about my decision to have this surgery. They will of course see the dramatic results and I will have to say something then, but until then, I don't need their non-support.

[Dyson]

Maybe it is cultural but if my family commented on my weight rather I were skinny or fat I would take them to task...there is no way I would ever let anybody speak to me in such a disrespectful manner and just walk away feeling sad. I think you should sit your mom/sis/MIL down and nicely explain to them that their comments are not necessary and that their comments are hurtful, this is the only way you will ever stop it

[JudyB]

Dyson ... I know you are right, but it is hard depending on your personality type. Every family has such a different dynamic. In my particular case, it's too late, my father's mind is for all practical purposes ... gone. I grieve that after all the good years and blessings and yes being slim, this is what is stuck in his mind ... oh well .... May we all have great success and along the journey, learn how to defend ourselves a little better from "mean people"..... because as we all know: "Mean people suck!" .... at least that's what the bumper sticker says! lol!!!!

[TulipMom]

You are all so right. It is far more complex than just being assertive or not. With my Mom in particular, she has made comments that have cut me ever since I can remember. I am working on calling her out on them. But I also realized, and this took some of the sting out, that she grew up with a mother who criticized instead of praised. To this day, my grandmother who is 85, seldom says a complimentary thing to the face of the person but when they are not present, she has good things to say. This was a revelation and I realized that I was not going to be able to peel back layers and deep wounds that go back generations to how the women in my family talk to one another. Instead I will say to myself, "I know my mother loves me. I know she means well. She worries about me because she loves me and that is where her comments come from"...same thing when my Grandmother says some seemingly cruel comment. I can't control them or change their behavior but I can change mine. So, with my daughter who is 16, I have made deliberate decisions about how I say things to her because I know how long those harsh words hurt me and I do not want to do that. She is overweight too but instead of pointing out that she is overweight, I talk about how to wear clothing that fits properly. I compliment her. Occasionally I have to bring something negative to her attention but I am careful with my words. There is more and more coming out about how to combat girls issues with body image because no matter if you are too skinny, too fat or even just right, society shouts at us from tv, magazines and everywhere that we are not perfect and we are not good enough. I want her to value herself beyond what the mirror shows to be strong as a young woman who has overcome some horrible things that most of her peers no nothing about and to recognize her own gifts and abilities. So when she is my age and her mother's voice is talking in her head, like mine does in my head, that voice will be saying "Daughter, you are so tenderhearted and loving. You have overcome so much, you can do this too!"

And with my mother, I do believe the next time she says something that stings, I will tell her that it stings and to please cut it out.

[JudyB]

Very wise .... I am (to borrow Dave Ramsey's words) trying to change my family tree in many of these areas and tried to give my children more positive memories as well. Perhaps that's why we are on this particular journey ... to learn compassion and help others change along with us ....