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  1. #1
    Gastric Sleeve Member vixrevision's Avatar
    I have had a gastric sleeve.
    Name
    Victoria
    Surgery date
    10/21/2013
    Surgeon
    Dr. Mark Takata
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    Jun 2013
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    Unhappy What if husband's not supportive?


    A girl I follow on youtube recently quit drinking soda. Even though she has a couple months to go before her VSG. Just to be ahead of the game. I would like to do similar things. I'm finding it nearly impossible to be successful at these things mostly because they are in my house. Those ice cold cans of coke sit there in the fridge calling my name especially on these past hot days here in SoCal. It would be better to just not have temptations in the house. But there is no way my husband would do such a thing.

    Not that it's his fault I am morbidly obese. But I do fear that my success will be greatly hindered by his bad habits and lack of concern regarding my changes. He is very much overweight. I have tried to encourage him to do the lifestyle change with me. He is not having any part of it. Yet every day he complains at how big he has gotten. I do understand the battle he is going through. But he is by far more stubborn then I ever was.

    He gets angry when he doesn't have his sodas, or plenty of bread, or steaks. If I serve a healthy meal, he will eat it, but then throws a fit about the food and will stomp around the kitchen making toast and bagels as an after dinner meal. If he doesn't have food at least every 3-4 hours he begins to complain of a 'headache' and must be fed. It's all really dramatic.

    Is this a sign of the failures to come after my VSG? Can my lifestyle change but my husband's stay the same? I worry that I will be all smiles, peas, and carrots and BAM!! "where's my steak and potatoes!?!" says husband.

    Also, I can't really talk to him about any of this. He gets all dramatic when anybody talks doctor stuff around him. No, we do not have the best of marriages or communication skills. So responses of, 'just communicate' are just not helpful. He knows I'm having the surgery and that's about it.

    Anybody get what I'm saying? Cause I feel like I'm not making sense.

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  3. #2
    Gastric Sleeve Member mrslml2002's Avatar
    I have had a gastric sleeve.
    Name
    Lynn
    Surgery date
    09/30/2013
    Surgeon
    Chengelis
    Join Date
    Mar 2013
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    05-17-2020 03:26 PM
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    Default Re: What if husband's not supportive?

    Oh dear. I am sorry but your post is screaming red flags to me. I will try to be gentle yet constructive with you. Please seek individual counseling. You need to stand up for yourself and stop enabling your husbands childish behavior. I feel his attitude will hinder your weight loss efforts.
    Having this surgery is one step in the weight loss process. You deserve to have better support.
    Lynn
    Highest weight: 263 (September 2009)
    Start weight: 253 (March 11, 2013)
    Day of surgery weight: 236
    Height: 5'3.5


  4. #3
    Gastric Sleeve Member mgreen's Avatar
    I have had a gastric sleeve.
    Name
    Melody Green
    Surgery date
    06/27/2013
    Surgeon
    Kenneth Hollis
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    Jun 2013
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    12-16-2013 02:27 PM
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    Default Re: What if husband's not supportive?

    You are making plenty of sense. He makes his own choices for himself, he is an adult. So are you. I think your transformation is going to scare the HE doulble toothpicks out of him. You are making changes and he is acting like a spoiled child. I would not want to have soda or anything that reps fat just to get back at him. Remember, it takes 2 to argue. Silence is golden. You need a positive force in your life to be successful at this. It sounds as if you are walking on egg shells. Not fair. My suggestion is to have a real heart to heart talk with him. Not about the surgery not about dieting not about food. About your marriage. The old addage of sitting down and making a list comes to mind. Pros and cons. I dont know if you are a believer of the Word. I have taken my Bible to every room in my house (back in the day) and screamed scriptures out. I have sat in the middle of my house and screamed God's name (appropriately) and asked HIM to take care of my situations. You know what??? HE did. Bang, everything began to fall in place. Thru all of it I learned about me. I realized I had faults too and I needed to work on them. If you really want changes and you really have love...church and counseling is the place to start. If he wont let you attend church, then you need to find a really solid Christian friend who you can confide in. All of this is not about Cokes, hot days or his foodie fit throwing. It is about a couple, love and it always wont be perfect, but you can try and proudly say, we are going to communicate and be happy. Life is too short to live like that. How do I know? I have been there and then the last 2 years of my life I have fought everyday to save my husband from cancer. Your husband is being selfish throwing away good days and good times when others just wish they could go a day without chemo and pain. If they could just take a bite of food and enjoy it, the most smallest of actions, just a bite could make a smile. I wish you the best and I hope you dont take anything I have said wrong. I care and I care about your husband. I love my days of just smiling at my hubs and hugging him. I love watching him doing what he enjoys and now he loves watching and taking care of me. He loves being my caretaker and meal maker. He loves the changes and bike riding and hand holding. I hope you and your hubs will too!



  5. #4
    Banned
    I have had a gastric sleeve.
    Name
    Christy
    Surgery date
    09/08/2011
    Surgeon
    Dr. Mario Almanza
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    Default Re: What if husband's not supportive?

    JUST DO YOU .
    Don't even try to change him or receive support from him OR ANYBODY ELSE. This is a PRIVATE, individual journey unless you have a spouse or close friend who is actually having the sleeve at the same time you are.
    I know it is easier said than done but you gotta take him OUT OF THE EQUATION and use like minded people like on this forum as your support.

  6. #5
    Gastric Sleeve Member tonilee2's Avatar
    I have had a gastric sleeve.
    Name
    Toni Lee
    Surgery date
    04/02/2013
    Surgeon
    Dr. Ariel Ortiz
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    Feb 2013
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    Default Re: What if husband's not supportive?

    My gosh...I feel for you, I really do. I hate giving "specific" advice to people I do not know well, or at all-smile. It's one thing to put out general statements and comments, but... specific advice without knowing a person and their situation is foolish, IMHO.

    With that said, your situation sounds very stressful. Seems like your husband has many emotional and other issues tied up in food and over-eating. Many of us who become morbidly obese usually do have "issues," but I'm afraid the road ahead for you will be very difficult if your husband doesn't ease up.

    For many of us out here to take the HUGE STEP of weight loss surgery, well, many of us had true WAKE-UP CALLS. Sadly, that's what it usually takes for one to get this serious about weight loss. It's the end of the road, the final step, the last gig for many of us.

    If YOU are determined and you put YOUR mind to succeeding, well...a successful surgery and a successful post-VSG life without your husband's support and agreement is possible...but I think it will be hard. My husband wasn't on board at all and although he tries, he still isn't totally supportive, for what it's worth. We love each other very much but it gets very stressful at times...

    You and only you know BEST, that is who your husband truly is, what the condition of your marriage is and the status of your overall situation. if you think your husband will mellow a bit and come around, that's one thing. If you think he will go for some professional help/advice with you, that's probably better yet.

    You have to look into your heart and determine what is best for you...how worth it the surgery and the weight loss is to you...and take it from there.

    I totally agree with others that IN THE END, the surgery is truly about you and your Lord. I believe all things are possible with God, with a Higher Power. And while it won't be easy with your husband brooding about, it doesn't mean the process won't get done...it will if it is something you really believe in. Recognize that the surgery is just the FIRST STEP in a very long journey.

    Best wishes.


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  8. #6
    Gastric Sleeve Member vixrevision's Avatar
    I have had a gastric sleeve.
    Name
    Victoria
    Surgery date
    10/21/2013
    Surgeon
    Dr. Mark Takata
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Last Activity
    11-25-2013 11:23 AM
    Location
    San Diego, CA
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    Default Re: What if husband's not supportive?

    Thank you all for your thoughts. They all helped spark thoughts and ideas for me.

  9. #7
    Gastric Sleeve Member mgreen's Avatar
    I have had a gastric sleeve.
    Name
    Melody Green
    Surgery date
    06/27/2013
    Surgeon
    Kenneth Hollis
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
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    12-16-2013 02:27 PM
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    Default Re: What if husband's not supportive?

    I wish you the best and if you need to talk, message me.



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  11. #8
    Gastric Sleeve Member beachbum's Avatar
    I have had a gastric sleeve.
    Surgery date
    03/25/2013
    Surgeon
    Miles
    Join Date
    Jul 2012
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    06-02-2016 10:09 AM
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    South
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    Default Re: What if husband's not supportive?

    I'm sorry about the situation you are in; I don't really know how to answer other than tell you about mine. I have a husband and two children who are healthy and do not have a weight problem. I cook for them every day, things that I am not always allowed to eat. Does this tempt me? YES it does but I can't make my problem their problem. I cook healthy and I cook fat. I usually cook for them and then have something totally different. I am okay with this. People will not change unless they are ready and trying to force change will likely just make the situation worse. My husband is a meat and potato kinda guy also so I feel your pain on that. As for the marriage and temper throwing, I want to ask how old he is? Sounds kinda immature to me....and that is totally just my opinion. Good luck with the journey, it’s yours and yours alone.



  12. #9
    Gastric Sleeve Member
    I have had a gastric sleeve.
    Name
    Megan
    Surgery date
    06/17/2013
    Surgeon
    Dr. Barry Greene
    Join Date
    Apr 2013
    Last Activity
    05-09-2014 01:16 PM
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    Maryland
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    Default Re: What if husband's not supportive?

    Well for one - I am only a little over 3 weeks out, so I haven't dared to try carbonation, so I can't speak to that, but at the same time - I have read from a number of people on here how uncomfortable carbonation is to drink after surgery, so there are some physical factors that can help you be successful - it won't feel good to eat a lot, or to have soda. I agree with others though, without some support, it may be tough. I know you say that "Just communicate" isn't the answer, but I agree with the above poster. You need to have a conversation with him regarding your relationship and not necessarily about weight or dieting. Sit him down and tell him you want to talk to him about something that is really important to you. Tell him you feel like he is unsupportive. Tell him that you are worried about spending money and going through major surgery only to fail in the end because temptation is too great. Ask him if he has any ideas how you can both work together to make it easier on you. Some suggestions - Buy food and label it with his name. Set it in your mind that that food belongs to him and not you, and see if that helps you have more self-control. Ask if he wouldn't mind cooking for himself some - on those nights he can eat whatever he wants and you fix something for yourself. Buy some of the sparkling ice drinks - which are basically flavored fizzy waters (my pre-surgery favorites were the grapefruit and the pineapple), keep them in the fridge for when it's hot - they have 0 calories. After surgery you can eat plently of meat - as you will need your protein. You will eventually be able to eat carbs too but your portions obviously will be drastically reduced. Make a dinner with some chicken and vegetables, and make him some toast to eat with it, or buy the frozen rolls that you can throw in the oven for 10 minutes and they're done - but only make enough of them for him, make one baked potato etc. Ultimately our success is up to us and changing our behavior. The support of those around us and especially those living with us is helpful, but you have to want this bad enough - you have to want to change.


    1st visit 1/21/2013 - 355 lbs
    Morning of surgery 6/17/2013 - 320 lbs

  13. #10
    Gastric Sleeve Member beachbum's Avatar
    I have had a gastric sleeve.
    Surgery date
    03/25/2013
    Surgeon
    Miles
    Join Date
    Jul 2012
    Last Activity
    06-02-2016 10:09 AM
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    South
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    Default Re: What if husband's not supportive?

    I wanted to add that I gave up caffeine and my hubby still drinks his one-two cans of Pepsi a day. My drink of choice was dt. dew and my office is filled with them. My work provides our favorites for us.....it was hard at first but now I am so scared to try it that I have no interest in it....That will get better once you are sleeved..



  14. #11
    Gastric Sleeve Member Truffles's Avatar
    I have had a gastric sleeve.
    Name
    Brigitte
    Surgery date
    08/24/2012
    Surgeon
    Dr. Almanza
    Join Date
    Jul 2012
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    Prince George, BC
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    Default Re: What if husband's not supportive?

    It could be he is terrified of losing you. You are (were) his partner in everything, including food (drink). Now, he is losing that partner in food. In his mind, he might be thinking he will lose all of you. Also, that you will not want him if he is unhealthy and obese, and you are not.

    Obviously, you cannot continue to live in your unhealthy state, as you are taking a very drastic step in reaching a healthy state. You shouldn't stop that for another person. Ever.

    However, the above is just something that is VERY common in marriages where both partners are obese. It can be extremely challenging. I have no advice beyond seeking individual marriage counselling, as Lynn suggested above. I'm sorry.
    Nov. 15/17 - re-sleeve, hiatal hernia repair, gallbladder removal with Dr. A. Lopez from AloBariatrics in Puerto Vallarta



  15. #12
    Gastric Sleeve Member KathyL's Avatar
    I have had a gastric sleeve.
    Surgery date
    08/08/2013
    Surgeon
    Dr Cernero
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    May 2013
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    Default Re: What if husband's not supportive?

    have you tried to write him a letter? You know with paper & pen/ When my husband & I were dating I had a hard time expresing feelings or trying to get to express his. I resorted to writing what I wish I could say to him on paper. I would sit in front of him while he read the letter. It was an open for us to discuss our relationship that neither of us felt comfortable opening up about. Now 25 years later we don't use the letters anymore. After a few years of marriage we learned to open up to each other.

    Wishing you only the best.





    233 ~ 05-09-13 first doctor visit for sleeve
    218 ~ 08-08-13 surgery date
    200 ~ 09-05-13 post-op 4 wk
    197 ~ 09-18-13 6 wk check-up
    189 ~ 10-07-13 60 days out
    183 ~ 11-06-13 90 days out
    172 ~ 01-20-14 165 days out

  16. #13
    Gastric Sleeve Member Hev's Avatar
    I have had a gastric sleeve.
    Name
    Heather Rhyne
    Surgery date
    06/24/2013
    Surgeon
    Dr Greg Mancini
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    Feb 2013
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    Default Re: What if husband's not supportive?

    You are going to have to be one strong lady.
    After this operation you just cannot drink sodas and lapse as it will have consequences. I was told Carbonated drinks can stretch your new stomach and make you very uncomfortable. If you are going to do this you have to be 100 percent committed. It's not an easy option for anyone.

    It is best you have as much support for this and if your husband isn't supportive you will have to be extra strong if you are going to succeed. I can't tell you what you should do with his attitude as everyone's life and relationship is different. Personally i wouldn't be putting up with that kind of behaviour from a grown adult,
    But if you are cooking all the meals there may be times during this when you are on pre op diet and maybe cant eat food at that time so he may have to fend for himself in the kitchen he may even need to help you.

    For me this operation was because I was becoming diabetic. It was a case of get healthy or die from a heart attack or the complications of what having diabetes and being fat does to you.

    For me there was no choice I have done this for me. It is a very personal decision and my skinny friends don't understand.
    I hope you can come to a good decision and work out what will work for you. You do need a good support system and I am sure people on here are very supportive. Good luck with your decision
    Hev



  17. #14
    Gastric Sleeve Member
    I have had a gastric sleeve.
    Surgery date
    11/04/2013
    Surgeon
    Dr. Hoehn
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    Default Re: What if husband's not supportive?

    you might try minute maid lemonade, it is sf and only 5 calories a can, and no carbination?


  18. #15
    Gastric Sleeve Member niamh's Avatar
    I have had a gastric sleeve.
    Surgery date
    09/22/2012
    Surgeon
    Mr Chris Sutton
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    Default Re: What if husband's not supportive?

    Now I'm a psychologist so I'm big into communication.

    But I will tell you I think you focusing on what your husband is or isn't doing is a distraction. It never occurred to me that with me changing my eating and drinking habits that I would expect or ask my husband to do the same. It so happens that my husband is a naturally slim person, and that the main way he seems to do this is by eating only one meal a day, but it's a huge carb-laden meal washed often washed down with soda. He has oven chips with almost every meal - often makes meat dishes into sandwiches with three or four slices of bread. He orders home delivered food which is pizza, kebabs, burgers etc.

    Oh, and exercise? Nope. My husband is naturally great at sport but does no planned exercise. All the exercise I do is either on my own or with other people. My husband has upped his walking with me, but only if we have a purpose to go to, not for exercise.

    I would say though that I think my husband is very supportive. He did offer in the early days not to eat food in front of me during the liquid phase, which was kind, but I said no because after all I'm going to have to live my life with other people eating around me. It was a little tough during liquid phase when I couldn't have any food at all, but since soft foods it's not been a problem at all because I can find and eat foods I like. Also, with all the stuff he has, there's usually a bit I can happily eat if I want the same. When we cook I tend to just have a bit of the meat and veg, while he has all the other stuff with it. I will have a few oven chips if I want them. I can cook a pasta sauce and just have the sauce while he has a big plate of pasta and garlic bread with it. Yes, it's possible.

    My view is that just because *WE* finally decide to do something about our health doesn't give us the right to expect anyone else to come to the same decision. In fact it's kinda rude to think that this should happen. I think one of the things that a lot of us did/do is used external factors as an excuse for our behaviour. There are *plenty* of people in relationships where the two people have different habits and they either learn to rub along with their differences or they split up. If you're having the sleeve one of the biggest things you're going to have to come to terms with is eating differently from everybody around you at times. You may as well get practice with your husband.

    So here's my advice,
    After the sleeve, when you cook, cook different things for both of you and don't expect him to eat the way you do. When I cook, I cook what I want to eat, PLUS the things my husband wants.

    If you don't think you can handle it, you might ask him to cook his own stuff. However don't try and change his eating habits - not fair on your part. If you can't change your eating habits without surgery - why the hell should he?

    Start right now with not drinking soda all the time. At first, replace it with water for a small period of the day you can handle, and then gradually increase that so that you can see it's possible to not be triggered to drink soda while he is drinking soda.


    But I would say this - the sleeve will FORCE you particularly in the early days to be different to your husband. You will have a window of opportunity where you use the physical restriction and your inability to take in anything other than liquids to face up to these triggers and realise you can sit while he's having a steak or soda or whatever and have whatever is in front of you.

    And finally - what's wrong with a steak? I love steak - my husband and I go out and have steaks at restaurants still (admittedly I don't finish it). I pick lean tender cuts and slice it thinly and eat it slowly. I have one or two chips and a bit of the salad. I had my first steak at about 6 or 7 weeks I think and loved it.



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