Marriage after getting sleeved

[Angela823]

Hi all... Both my husband and myself have some concerns about how things will be after surgery. I've known 3 married women who ended up getting divorced after they had WLS. That brings up lots of apprehension on his end. Mine too. Don't get me wrong.. he is very supportive in anything and everything I've ever wanted to accomplish but seeing statistics of divorce after WLS has us both on edge. This surgery is very necessary for me, as I am only 5 feet tall, weigh 220 and have multiple spinal injuries that would ease up with the loss of all that extra weight. Anyone dealing with chronic pain knows that feeling that you would do ANYTHING to make it even a little better. My back problems have created issues in our marriage that wouldn't otherwise exist. It brings with it a certain degree of depression and feeling like all you want in the world is your normal life back. After several attempts of losing weight (and then gaining it right back), I made the decision to look into getting sleeved. I am very excited to get my journey started but somewhere deep in the back of my mind, I'm nervous that my choice to have WLS will sabotage my family. (we also have an 11 month old son) Looking to hear some of your experiences and maybe some encouragement that I'm making the right choice.

Thanks
~Ang~

[natex14]

I think the big issue that people face is that they are improving themselves. You are investing in yourself, you no longer eat the same way and just sit around, but then your husband or wife is sitting there stuffing their face.

My wife and I have a great marriage and we always have. I told her that I'm improving myself and that I wanted her to improve herself. Not for me, but for her. That way when I'm losing weight and feeling more confident, that she is doing the same. If your husband doesn't need to lose weight, then he can find another way to improve himself. Learn a new skill, go back to college, learn another language. I think too many times we get stuck in a rut and then when we get out, we want everyone to come with us or we quickly lose patience with them.

To make it short; improve yourselves together.

[Angela823]

He's actually the healthier one of the two of us... I think he will be very happy with a change in the food around the house and that we all, as a family, will be fueling our bodies with improved choices in food. He is currently enrolled in nursing school with only one year left to go (yay!) I think in our situation, it has more to do with his anxieties about my being loyal after I gain a butt load of confidence that comes along with weight loss. But I think you have some good ideas... maybe finding something that we could learn together would keep our focus on each other and improving our relationship altogether.

[Ann2]

Yes, some marriages (and other relationships) don't survive WLS -- for reasons Nathan mentions.

However ... a few weeks back, I dove into "those post-WLS divorce statistics" and learned that there's not any good research backing up some of the post-WLS divorce statistics numbers that get tossed around like they were baseball stats.

There's anecdotal evidence ("everybody knows that..." and "I know three WLS patients personally whose marriages ended in divorce"). And there have been some newspaper and magazine articles written by authors who all quote each other (although none of them quotes a large-scale research study I would deem conclusive) about how the stresses and changes that WLS patients and their families undergo can change the family dynamic considerably.

So, bottom line, I don't know exactly how many more divorces occur among the WLS population than among the normal population.

Here's what we do know about Americans' marrying and divorcing behaviors:

1. From 40-50% of all marriages between Americans end in divorce. (There's not even solid agreement about the exact overall divorce rate, although the changes over time are apparent.)

2. Americans today marry later than they married in years past.

3. Today, the divorce rate is higher among the US population than during 1950, but lower than in 1980.

4. Consequently, today a smaller percentage of Americans are married than used to be married.

5. Today, many Americans live together, and also have children together, without marrying. On average, those unmarried relationships don't last as long as marriages.

6. When the unemployment rate goes up, the divorce rate goes down.

7. Who is least likely to divorce? People who have graduated from college.

8. Who is most likely to divorce? People who marry before the age of 20.

For more reliable info about US marriage and divorce rates (based on long-term US census data and on US states' marriage and divorce records) see:

Marriage and divorce statistics - Avvo.com and

Divorce in the United States - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

[Marvinator]

Losing all that weight probably changes the dynamics in a relationship because the person that loses the weight is likely to feel much different about themselves and life in general. They may become more confident, more active and healthier. All of this affects how they interact with people and how people see them. How the spouse reacts to these changes plays a big part in whether the marriage will survive or not. If they experience severe jealousy and feel the need to cut the spouse down to try to bring he or she back to their previous mentality (unlikely to succeed) there will be major issues. Also, after losing the weight, making changes and seeing things differently, the loss recipient may see their spouse differently than they did when they may have felt they were lucky to have a spouse at all. There are many different dynamics at play in relationships and a huge change as occurs after a sleeve is bound to affect those dynamics. If you really value your marriage then you need to analyze what those dynamics are, how things may change for you with weight loss and how those changes will affect the dynamics between you and hubby. If you see a negative outcome, then you need to figure out what it is that you can do to prevent it from occurring. None of which is an easy task. Relationships of any sort are fragile. Be cognizant of the fact that there will be huge differences post sleeve and try to deal with problems as they arise rather than after they fester for a while. My marriage seems to have only gotten better with us having both had the surgery. We both became more active together and more confident together, though I watched her get thin first (she was four and a half months ahead of me).

[andreaf]

For me so far I think my weightloss has brought my husband and I closer together. We've always had a good relationship and I was over weight when i met him but after we got married I gained even more weight. He never once mentioned my weight to me but he himself is very active and athletic. As I became more over weight I lost a lot of confidence and distanced myself from him out of embarrassment. Now as I'm losing weight my confidence is coming back and is bringing us closer and I have more energy and ability to do the things he likes to do so we're spending more quality time together. He also has mentioned jokingly that once I lose weight I'll leave him, but I know it must be a valid concern of his if he's even mentioning it at all. I have no intention on ever doing so as I love him to death so I just try to tell him my plans for us as I continue losing weight and reminding him of the things and goals that I want to do (things that he already does now) as I'm more able to do things once I get smaller that I'm currently unable to do now, like go hiking, get scuba certified, go mountain biking, etc. I think it's made him feel much better knowing I have plans and goals that include him in my future.

[zbrookster]

For me it was different my husband was not supportive and he loves me very much. It was a really hard 6 months to start off with first since I chose the surgery over what he wanted. I'm now down 86 lbs and am almost at my 1/2 mark. My husband has shifted alot around how he feels about the surgery we are getting close again. Since yours is supportive to start off with. I'm thinking you will be golden. And hopefully even sharing this little bit can give you hope that even when things are not ok to start off with it can become so afterwards.

[niamh]

My husband loved me when I was overweight (but not because I was overweight - that's a dangerous one). He also loves me now that I'm thin and although occasionally he expresses a little nervousness about me being more attractive to others, I can't imagine throwing away a relationship with someone who loves me for who I am (not how I look), but who also appreciates how I look. My husband fell in love with me for my personality, and it hasn't changed.

There's no doubt that if I wanted to stray now, I could. But I don't.

Having seen people on here who have left their marriages, they are generally unhappy with their marriage prior to the WLS, but haven't had the confidence to leave. From what people describe, it sounds like some of their partners chose to be with obese people in order to be in a 'one-up' position in the relationship.

I guess you have to think about which kind of relationship you think you have. If you're worried - go and have a couple of counselling sessions together so you can share your concerns with each other, and come up with a joint plan to keep the marriage strong.

By the way, one rule I have is that I have no friendships with men that don't also include my husband. If I have work colleagues that are men, I don't spend time with them on my own, and my rule for any conversation or interaction is that if I wouldn't be comfortable doing/saying it in front of my husband, then it's not ok. I inadvertently formed an emotional bond which turned into attraction when I was much younger and in another relationship, so I am careful not to let that happen again. My husband follows the same rules. We have only been together seven years, but we are still very much in love and trust each other completely.

[dyberrah]

By the way, one rule I have is that I have no friendships with men that don't also include my husband. If I have work colleagues that are men, I don't spend time with them on my own, and my rule for any conversation or interaction is that if I wouldn't be comfortable doing/saying it in front of my husband, then it's not ok. I inadvertently formed an emotional bond which turned into attraction when I was much younger and in another relationship, so I am careful not to let that happen again. My husband follows the same rules. We have only been together seven years, but we are still very much in love and trust each other completely.

So wise! My husband and I are the same way. We are each other's most important person and the other always gets first consideration over anyone else.

[terrora]

Hi all... Both my husband and myself have some concerns about how things will be after surgery. I've known 3 married women who ended up getting divorced after they had WLS. That brings up lots of apprehension on his end. Mine too. Don't get me wrong.. he is very supportive in anything and everything I've ever wanted to accomplish but seeing statistics of divorce after WLS has us both on edge. This surgery is very necessary for me, as I am only 5 feet tall, weigh 220 and have multiple spinal injuries that would ease up with the loss of all that extra weight. Anyone dealing with chronic pain knows that feeling that you would do ANYTHING to make it even a little better. My back problems have created issues in our marriage that wouldn't otherwise exist. It brings with it a certain degree of depression and feeling like all you want in the world is your normal life back. After several attempts of losing weight (and then gaining it right back), I made the decision to look into getting sleeved. I am very excited to get my journey started but somewhere deep in the back of my mind, I'm nervous that my choice to have WLS will sabotage my family. (we also have an 11 month old son) Looking to hear some of your experiences and maybe some encouragement that I'm making the right choice.

Thanks
~Ang~

I have wondered about the same. I think perhaps the person who is getting sleeved needs to be very careful about how much they tell their spouse about how much attention they are getting. They must pretend (around the spouse) they don`t notice men looking at them. There are some women on different WLS forums who seem to have to tell the whole world verbatim what men are saying to them (vs saying they are getting lots of compliments) Don`t make your spouse insecure by rubbing it in his nose about how men say you are hot. And just because you are getting lots of attention and maybe hit on beware that the grass is NOT greener. Maybe couples counseling with a specialist before surgery is something to consider. They would know the dynamics that break couples up.
My sister was newly sober when she met her husband (in AA) who had been sober for 5 years. He was her support, picked her up when she was down etc.
When she got stronger and developed self esteem she wasn`t as needy, so she didn`t lean on him all the time. He didn`t feel needed and felt unwanted. That was the beginning of the end of their marriage.
It is good you are aware of this. Good luck in your journey.

[rhill2901]

Keep in mind, drastic changes, changes people. Changes relationships, changes feelings. You both have to communicate constantly, and be reliable. Will he get concerned, you bet. He may say he won't but he will. Communication is key. Your relationship will be tested. Keep positive, and try your best. If you have problems now, after the surgery it will just get worse. The furthest extent of trust will also be tested. I wish you luck in your sleeve life and your marriage.

Terrora, you have the cutest nose

[Shalon]

Several things that I thought of after reading this:
First; is he a chubby chaser? does he go exclusively to BBW porns sites? or is he into you because you're you?
Second: Has he ever tried to get you to go with him to exercise and been dissapointed, or is he a couch potato,(because after the weight loss starts you won't be one anymore) ?
Third: are you with him because you were settling? Or is it really love?
If he's a chubby chaser, you'll be thin and unexciting for him and he'll either cheat or want to. If he's with you because of real love, then the weight won't matter.
If he likes to do active things, having you with him could actually make your marriage CLOSER rather than tear it apart.
If you're just settling, you'll get skinny and confident and cheat on him or leave him.

Those are the main things that cause divorces post-sleeve. Also, the stress level for the first 6 months or so will be higher for you than a delicate marriage can weather.
You'll stress about the surgery, then about the amount you're eating, then about getting enough exercise while the first month is so tiring, then about your vitamins, then about your clothes not fitting, then about the budget(because of the vitamins and the need for new clothes) then about the stalls, then about more new clothing, then about how much you can eat again(this time in solid foods or at restaurants) And all the while you'll be stressing about how much food to buy at a shot and how to prep dinner for him while having smaller portions than you ever thought possible, and if you have any issues with wasting food you'll be taking them out for a spin because you'll have to waste some until you get used to your new portion sizes.
I think IF marriages tend to fail after WLS, then those would be the reasons. You were settling, he's got a fetish, or your marriage was fragile and the constant level of stress in the first few months was more it could take.

but if you really love him, and he really loves you, and you've got enough moxy between the pair of you, then your marriage should be fine. The love can actually grow, you know. And if he IS an exerciser, that alone can bring you two closer.
My fiancee has gotten very excited lately because I now have the energy and pain levels to be able to go yard-sale-ing with him. He stops at every one, now.
And he's used my need for vitamins as a good excuse to start buying himself some. He's also excited to go bike riding with me, and likes that it's easier to pick me up now. He adjusted quicker than I have to my new intake volume and likes that when my eyes are bigger than my stomach these days it means he gets to try THAT dish at the restaurant, too.
What I'm saying is, By all means, try to minimize the chances of those three things happening, but try not to add THAT to your worries. You'll be fine.

[BillyJ]

I too have seen a few people divorce after surgery. I believe their marriage was in trouble from the start. They say food is an addiction and once you remove that addiction another one pops up. My daughter had the sleeve a few years ago and her husband joined the gym with her even though he was already physically fit. He is extremely supportive of her. Your husband has shown that he is behind you on this. Find things that you can do together and I believe you will both be fine.

[jmw]

This was on my radar as well. My husband and I had/have a great relationship and I wanted to go in to this with my eyes wide open, taking proactive steps to ensure that having the sleeve surgery would not compromise my marriage. We have talked, shared, and connected throughout the process. I am very glad to say that it has only improved our relationship(holy sex life Batman!) and has been a catalyst for sharing and bonding in ways that were not there before. He is happy to see me happy and I am happy to have his support. Sleeved life has not had a negative impact on our relationship at all.

[rhill2901]

This was on my radar as well. My husband and I had/have a great relationship and I wanted to go in to this with my eyes wide open, taking proactive steps to ensure that having the sleeve surgery would not compromise my marriage. We have talked, shared, and connected throughout the process. I am very glad to say that it has only improved our relationship(holy sex life Batman!) and has been a catalyst for sharing and bonding in ways that were not there before. He is happy to see me happy and I am happy to have his support. Sleeved life has not had a negative impact on our relationship at all.

I just love happy stories