Dating "bad" men

[cindimca4]

Hi. I'm new here. Something that is on my mind is that I have used food as a defense mechanism to keep bad men away.

One thing I have learned is that most men will not date a woman who is anything but smaller. I have no respect for those men.

Given that after I have my surgery in late May/early June, I will soon be much smaller...and likely end up receiving unwanted attention from men who normally consider a bigger woman to be worthless.

I would like to find a good man to date, and believe that I can discern the difference between someone who is a shallow and fickle jerk, and a decent, good man.

Many people say the right one will come along, but I believe there are many possible "right" matches...not that I ever really met one. I just think we don't have a single right person for us. Not really.

I would really like to find a man who is right for me now, who will accept me and love me now...and later.

How do you know a man isn't one of those jerks who hate larger women?

I have some fear about this whole topic. In truth, I have been used and hurt a lot...and maybe I can't tell the difference between deceivers and good men...until after they are done deceiving.

Does anyone have any useful and good thoughts about this topic?

Thanks for reading, and replying.

Cindi

[tempred]

When the right one comes around, you will know. It doesn't matter what size you are, you just need to be open to the possibility.


Good luck

[mac]

Hello!
I understand what you're saying. I didn't find "the one" until I was 35. He loved me for me. I was at my heaviest when we met. My weight has always been an issue for me - not him. But, that's not to say that I haven't been rejected several times, and I always blamed it on my weight. Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't. But sometimes, these issues are more ours than others. Let someone see you - the real you. Don't focus on what you may percieve as a negative. I did meet my husband via eHarmony. I'm a little embarrased by that. But, in the end - it was the best decision. I put real pictures up - recent ones, so anyone could see who I really was. I was honest in my bio and answering of questions. I met my soul mate. He fully supports my decision to do the sleeve surgery because he wants me to be healthy and happy. Good luck to you - you will find that right person! Good luck with your journey!

[cindimca4]

Thank you for the sincere replies. My children want me to go on EHarmony, but I can't see spending the money...plus, I tried it once a long time ago, and didn't like the setup.

Is your husband into fitness and health, too?

[MaryFromTheD]

Hello Cindi!
When I was single, I was truly shocked by how shallow men could be. And by the same token, women were very $$ focused and that was also shallow in my opinion. I assure you, not all men feel that way. I would suggest getting involved with singles groups in your area. I was on a singles billiards league even though I suck at playing pool - it was allot of fun and the ratio of men to women was great! Just google "singles groups" and your zip code to find out more. Get on-line, go places, join clubs, tell friends/family your ready to date and make yourself available. Finally, if you feel like you're not in a good place to trust then work on that first. We all have baggage from the past but I found it really does cloud your judgement if you haven't healed the hurt. There are plenty of books to read that will help you do just that (maybe check out Amazon). Good luck to you and keep us posted on your success.
I look forward to reading a future post from you telling everyone about the wonderful man that you've met
Mary

[cindimca4]

Dear Mary:

That was so sweet.
I have been single for about 7 years, longer if you count separation. I have dated quite a lot, and I have not found too many men who are not shallow pigs. As for the women...I really don't know of any gold-diggers. I hear they are out there...but then again, I think those women are usually the model types...which is what these pig men mostly go for.

What I want is to find a man who will love me like I am, and help me to be the best me possible...and love me when I am thin. I am coming down to the wire shortly, and will have my procedure in the next 2 months at the most...just finishing up some things. I have been at preparing for the procedure for a few years...had to restart a few times due to my special needs child needing more surgery, broken cars, etc.

I've been with men who seemed like truly great guys, and been snowed over by them...or discovered that they didn't have a backbone.

God will send a good man when the time is right, I guess...but I still can't help but have the thoughts and worries about being screwed over again, and again...and again.

[Msvetrn]

Funny you should mention this...
I just went on an "internet" date last night...after losing almost 60 pounds and looking good (at least I think I look good), within the first 10 minutes, the guy said to me , "I want you to know I have absolutely NO instant attraction to you whatsoever, but you are here, so we can talk for awhile". SO....BIG OR SMALL...there are always going to be classless, rude, idiots out there. This guy had the same picture I have as my Profile pic on here which was taken four days ago...if he wasn't "instantly" attracted to me, I don't know why he agreed to meet. Anyhoo...lol...I told him that was not a very nice thing to say to someone. He shrugged his shoulders! About five minutes later, I asked him where the ladies room was....I got up, went to my car and drove off. NO MORE ONLINE DATING FOR ME. I did it back in 1995 when I was "younger and smaller" and the guys were just as bad...they are internet dating for a reason. I'm not saying there are no good guys out there. I just don't believe they are internet dating! Who knows??? I want to believe there is someone for everyone, but if it doesn't happen, I am good being alone with my ROTTWEILERS and Chihuahuas who love me unconditionally - whether I am 220 pounds or 150 pounds! lol!

[MaryFromTheD]

Christy - I almost want to ask if he had "Tourette's Syndrome". Who blurts out comments like that? I guess we know why he's single with all his classy lines-LOL. In any case, you will find idiots everywhere. Some years ago, I recall a guy said (actually he told my "friend" & she couldn't wait to tell me!) that he could never date someone "my size"....for the record, I'm 5'5" and he was 5'2" (which is very petite for a guy!), and I wore a size 14 and looked good! By the way, he's still single, in his late 40's and waiting for his petite princess that never showed up. What kills me is that your internet guy could have just been kind and thanked you for a lovely evening and gone on with his business. That is class and good manners which he is apparently lacking. Good for you that YOU took control of the situation and left his sorry a$$ sitting there. And one last comment...I love your profile pic! You're absolutely adorable and I know there is a guy that will treat you right.
Mary

[Msvetrn]

Thanks, Mary. Just want to clear up that the pic that shows up on these posts is the AVATAR pic...the one I just took the other day is at my Visitor Message place. lol. Anyway....it doesn't matter cuz I'm gorgeous either one..JUST KIDDING. But, seriously, like I was telling my friend...if I meet a guy, no matter what he looks like or weighs...I would NEVER say anything like that to him. This guy is seriously sociallly retarded. The funny thing is...he told me that the last woman he met online, he had INSTANT CHEMISTRY with and he took her to his place and they "WERE ALL OVER EACH OTHER". So, I asked him, "So where is she?". He replied, "I don't know. I never heard from her, again.". Geeeeeeeeeeez! haha! Life's a trip!

[cindimca4]

Hello Ladies:

I have heard all of those things before...the "your size" thing, etc. And for a 5'2" guy to be nitpicking...give me a break. Your picture is fine, as well. These men are lame, and want the crap they see in those trashy swimsuit magazines and so on....these "men' aren't even real men...Where oh where are the REAL MEN?

cindi

[Theresa]

You don't need a man to love you before your surgery just to prove something.

Have your surgery... take care of YOU. This is YOUR TIME. Make everything about YOU!!!

And when you DO find Mr Right it's not going to be because you were fat.. or thin... or tall or pretty ... it will be because he IS Mr Right.

[cindimca4]

I am not saying I need a man to love me at all...or that I need that to prove something...or that I'm trying to prove something....in fact, I am quite an independent woman, and have been that way for many years now, without a man. Just some things are on my mind because my experiences have been all bad....and I wouldn't want a man who would despise me now, and get interested when I'm thin....I would never want that man, no matter whom he is. It's not about proving anything before surgery...just that I feel like the pickins are so slim, that those are the only types of men truly available. I realize there are some good ones out there...but still...95% of them are like that.

I guess my hope is that when the time comes to have a man in my life, he will be one who would have dated me at any size. Men divorce their wives and cheat and abuse them just because they gained weight. I don't want any part of a man like that...never ever again.

[kamie]

I met my boyfriend on Match.com 2 1/2 years ago when I was at my heaviest. He is truly one of the good ones ( and really handsome too). He was 38 and I was 47, age didn't matter to him and neither did my size. He constantly compliments me and loves me for who I am. He was my biggest supporter while I was deciding to have the sleeve and he is my biggest supporter still. Don't give up , there are wonderful , kind and thoughtful men out there.

[cindimca4]

Thank you so much for that reply. It was very encouraging! My children always want me to go on EHarmony to find someone....maybe afterwhile I will.

cindi

[Hawaiian Mark]

You know.... I know guys that will only date skinny girls just the same as I know guys who will date only bigger women. In the same sense I know guys that will only date women that are a certain race or religion or socioeconomic status. Does that make them racist or anti-semitic or anti-christian or against the poor as a whole? No. I don't believe so. If I meet a woman looks at me and isn't attracted to me because of my size then that woman just wasn't for me. If a woman does not want to date me because I am not tall then I'm just not for her either. I wouldn't go as far as calling them jerks because I don't fit their mold. I'm just not what they want.
I will be completely honest with you, I have never dated a larger woman. Not because I "hate" larger women, just my personal preference. Just the same as I am not attracted to really short women. It's just about my own personal preference.
Now I know there are people out there who look at larger people with disgust and judgement but I've learned that they are that way out of their own little insecurities. SO the way I see it is...their loss not mine. I've never used my size as defense mechanism either and that may be the difference. In my opinion, women and men alike find confidence to be a very attractive trait (confidence NOT arrogance mind you). I have no problems going up to an attractive female and saying point blank, "So... you into big guys?" and more often than not it is very well received.
You shouldn't see yourself as being approachable when you get smaller. You should see yourself as being approachable right now. The best way to prevent yourself from being used and to finding someone to love you -- LOVE YOURSELF FIRST.
I'll finish with this analogy... SO what if the bait got changed a little and the fish are biting more? What does it matter if you don't have the inner confidence that it takes to stick it out and catch a prize worth keeping?