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  1. #16
    Gastric Sleeve Member BBARB's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dating "bad" men

    Quote Originally Posted by cindimca4 View Post
    Hi. I'm new here. Something that is on my mind is that I have used food as a defense mechanism to keep bad men away.

    One thing I have learned is that most men will not date a woman who is anything but smaller. I have no respect for those men.

    Given that after I have my surgery in late May/early June, I will soon be much smaller...and likely end up receiving unwanted attention from men who normally consider a bigger woman to be worthless.

    I would like to find a good man to date, and believe that I can discern the difference between someone who is a shallow and fickle jerk, and a decent, good man.

    Many people say the right one will come along, but I believe there are many possible "right" matches...not that I ever really met one. I just think we don't have a single right person for us. Not really.

    I would really like to find a man who is right for me now, who will accept me and love me now...and later.

    How do you know a man isn't one of those jerks who hate larger women?

    I have some fear about this whole topic. In truth, I have been used and hurt a lot...and maybe I can't tell the difference between deceivers and good men...until after they are done deceiving.

    Does anyone have any useful and good thoughts about this topic?

    Thanks for reading, and replying.

    Cindi
    Dear Cindy,

    In my opinion there are jerk guys and jerk girls all over the place. A guy that dates heavy women can be a jerk for other reason as much as a guy that dates heavy ones. Finding a decent man or woman is not easy. Also, what is decent for you is not for me and viceversa. It is hard for everyone to find the right person. However more you are fine with yourself, more the chances. More you know yourself and your priorities more the chances.

    Long long time ago I was engaged to a wonderful man, along the way (it was a long one, 7 years) we fell off the tracks and he fell in love with my friend. Such a cliche'! Was he a jerk? maybe. Were we in love? not anymore. After that I was a difficult women to date (and of course it was never my faulr )). Bitter, commitment issues, getting involved with all red flags guys. Despite being younger and prettier I was so far to be in decent realtionships. However took me years of bad dating, and only when I worked on my issues, I start to have good quality dating. I am not that young and that pretty, I am even heavier but years later I started had nice relationships, still did not find the right one, but nice man. Now I am dating a wonderful guy, he is wonderful, he dated skinny, fat, tall short black and white women in the past. As I did. We are so good together right now. Is he the one? I do not know, I only know that we do have the same concept of "decent", we love spending time together, we love our independence and we do not impose anything one to an other, we need the same amount of space. I love his mind, I love his face, body lips. We are looking at the same direction. I am so happy to have met him. So maybe yes I could have found the one, but I am not asking this question anymore. I am simply enjoying my relationship. I am an healthy person (meaning free of my old relationship issues, baggages, open wounds etc.) and I have an healthy relationship (that makes me fell good every step of the way).

    In summary, what I am trying to say is that we are all different, but at the same time there are right people for each and one of us. However, if we do not work on ourselves we are not able to see them. I am not implying anything here of course. But I know what I have at the bottom of my heart, my insecurities, my issues, and I know myself today better than years ago. I worked on my self and I did it because years ago I crushed in an "burnt out phase" caused by too much work and too many impossible expectations on myself. I needed help to get out of there and I out reached. Idid start to work on me and now I am healthier and going to be super healthy when my obesity will be defeated.

    I wish you all the best with your weight loss and you soul mate search

    Barbara


    288 - Highest weight on March 2012
    268 - Weigh before starting pre-op diet on May 14 2012. 20lb loss
    258 - Weight on surgery on May 29 2012. 10lb loss from pre op
    224 - 2 months post op (July 30 2012).
    178 - 7.5 m out. total loss 110, post op 72lb

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  4. #17
    Gastric Sleeve Member
    I have had a gastric sleeve.
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    Default Re: Dating "bad" men

    Hi, Mark:

    I am definitely approachable. That is not the problem.

    Things are different for bigger men, than they are for bigger women. Men are expected to be bigger, even if it is all fat. Period. Women are expected to be small, period, and when they aren't, the disgust and hate, and aweful treatment ensue. An example would be that a few months ago, I was driving too slow for the jerks behind me, and when I turned, they flew past me, screaming at the top of their lungs "fuck you, fat ass!!!!!!!!!" I was terrified, and thought they were going to come back after me. That right there, is the mentality of most men.

    There are very few men...even you...who will date bigger women. The reasons for that are far different, from those reasons related to color or height. It's a social conditioning that men have refused to challeng, but allow for themselves. It's ok for them to be exactly what they hate in women, and you can insert any word you like for "hate." It's still the same.

    I have plenty of confidence, believe me. I am a beautiful woman who is highly educated, very good to others, and I have raised to very ill premature children by myself. I am a survivor of many forms of abuse, and was an orphan. I know my value. It's most men who have their priorities in the wrong place, and who do not truly see things for what they are...such as the way you have responded to my thoughts in my post.

    Furthermore, being thin brings with it a great deal of attention for a woman as pretty and desirable as I am..particularly when I'm thin. The bitches in school when I was young, regardless of which foster home or group home I was in, always hated me and called me "virgin slut" because their boyfriends were so interested in me that they had bets as to which of them would get me to sleep with them. I know first hand about these things. And you really do not understand. Please don't comment on my post anymore.



  5. #18
    Gastric Sleeve Member
    I have had a gastric sleeve.
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    Cindi
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    Anna Ibele
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    Default Re: Dating "bad" men

    Hi Barbara: I hear what you are saying. I wonder if I have some things to work on, though I have done a great deal of work, over a period of many years to become the person I am today. I was sort getting to the point of "dating" this one man...sort of by happenstance...and he aske me and the children to dinner. We went. I felt weird because I was not sure what we were doing, but then, I so enjoyed it. My son asked if he could have some money for something...the sushi bar, yeah, that was it, and I felt weird that a minute later, before I had the chance, he gave my son this money. It was only one dollar, but I didn't know what to do with that...so i said that I was going to give him some money. Later I texted him that we had a good time, and that I hope I wasn't too weird, because I am not used to someone being so nice to us. He said I was just fine and asked me out again. So things moved a long...chatting on im....and I started to ask him more about where his son lives...and he informed me that both he and his son live with his ex-wife!!! Oh boy...didn't see that coming. I have no interest in dating someone who is divorced from his wife, but still lives with her. That's just too much. I guess I would have a trust issue there...but wouldn't more people? I just told him that I had my own thoughts about that situation. He justified his decisions. We agreed to be friends, but he stopped talking to me completely. I guess that's fine...but I would like to not be in those situations, either....is there anything in this story that suggests I have unresolved issues?...or do I just need time to adjust to nice treatment from a good man?



  6. #19
    Gastric Sleeve Member Hawaiian Mark's Avatar
    I have had a gastric sleeve.
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    Default Re: Dating "bad" men

    Quote Originally Posted by cindimca4 View Post
    Does anyone have any useful and good thoughts about this topic?

    Thanks for reading, and replying.
    Cindi
    SO as per request, I offer you some thoughts on the subject on a friendly message board. I didn't attack, demean, nor insult you. From the beginning you jump to the defensive and scold me because I don't see things for the way they are? Is it seeing it for the way it is or seeing it your way? My whole response was geared towards you not being so negative and bashing men in general.

    Quote Originally Posted by cindimca4 View Post
    That right there, is the mentality of most men.

    There are very few men...even you...who will date bigger women. The reasons for that are far different, from those reasons related to color or height. It's a social conditioning that men have refused to challeng, but allow for themselves. It's ok for them to be exactly what they hate in women, and you can insert any word you like for "hate." It's still the same.
    Quote Originally Posted by cindimca4 View Post
    It's most men who have their priorities in the wrong place, and who do not truly see things for what they are...such as the way you have responded to my thoughts in my post.
    I know first hand about these things. And you really do not understand. Please don't comment on my post anymore.
    Your problem isn't with men who won't date larger women. Your problem is that you just hate men altogether. Funny how you ask for opinions but when someone offers a point of view that is different your first reaction is to counter with discontent.

    Sight unseen. I'd never date you and size is the very least reason as to why. I only like to surround myself around positive feel good people. Perhaps if you weren't so bitter and vigilante about your man-hating that you could see that a nice guy was trying to give you positive advice which is what you asked for anyways or at least I thought. I'll have no problems never responding to anything you post from here on out. I've decided to cut the negative out of my life long ago and this is no different.

    Farewell and good luck to you anyways.



  7. #20
    Gastric Sleeve Member BBARB's Avatar
    I have had a gastric sleeve.
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    Default Re: Dating "bad" men

    Quote Originally Posted by cindimca4 View Post
    Hi Barbara: I hear what you are saying. I wonder if I have some things to work on, though I have done a great deal of work, over a period of many years to become the person I am today. I was sort getting to the point of "dating" this one man...sort of by happenstance...and he aske me and the children to dinner. We went. I felt weird because I was not sure what we were doing, but then, I so enjoyed it. My son asked if he could have some money for something...the sushi bar, yeah, that was it, and I felt weird that a minute later, before I had the chance, he gave my son this money. It was only one dollar, but I didn't know what to do with that...so i said that I was going to give him some money. Later I texted him that we had a good time, and that I hope I wasn't too weird, because I am not used to someone being so nice to us. He said I was just fine and asked me out again. So things moved a long...chatting on im....and I started to ask him more about where his son lives...and he informed me that both he and his son live with his ex-wife!!! Oh boy...didn't see that coming. I have no interest in dating someone who is divorced from his wife, but still lives with her. That's just too much. I guess I would have a trust issue there...but wouldn't more people? I just told him that I had my own thoughts about that situation. He justified his decisions. We agreed to be friends, but he stopped talking to me completely. I guess that's fine...but I would like to not be in those situations, either....is there anything in this story that suggests I have unresolved issues?...or do I just need time to adjust to nice treatment from a good man?
    I got into the same situation wit a guy, after a while he told me that he was living with his ex-wife and kids. It was bad because I really liked him. I walked away as well because it is not for me. Maybe there is someone else that would work well in this frame.
    Dear, I do not know if you have unresolved issues but anyway We all have issues. This is 360, so sometimes the person we date do have them .
    This guy had all long justification for living in this arrangement and he tried to convince me that was perfectly fine. it was not for me to judge, however I am a strong minded person that does not like live between lines, when I make a decision I act on it. So it was not for me.

    What was crucial for me was to really understand what I was looking for in my life and which direction I was taking. Only then I was able to see who could get in. Each of us ha a pathway and you just want someone to walk it with. The hardest part is to find the person that is walking on a similar path, that you click with and simply go for it.

    But i totally understand you, I am surprised when a man treat me well, spontaneously. I am still shocked when my partners makes me walk not on the curb side but in the inner side of the walkway in order to shield me. If I dated many wrong guys, I partially blame it on myself too for not being able to discern between "player" vs "i look forward to know you" kind of guy (population present also in the female world). again, I was not able to see what path they were walking on.


    288 - Highest weight on March 2012
    268 - Weigh before starting pre-op diet on May 14 2012. 20lb loss
    258 - Weight on surgery on May 29 2012. 10lb loss from pre op
    224 - 2 months post op (July 30 2012).
    178 - 7.5 m out. total loss 110, post op 72lb

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  9. #21
    Gastric Sleeve Member
    I have had a gastric sleeve.
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    Cindi
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    Default Re: Dating "bad" men

    I would never date you either. Thanks for the advice.



  10. #22
    Gastric Sleeve Member
    I have had a gastric sleeve.
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    Cindi
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    Default Re: Dating "bad" men

    Yes, Barb...that's exactly how I feel about it...although, I wouldn't blame myself for the lack of discernment, exactly. I never had anyone to teach me things. Learning basics of life has taken me twice as long as someone who does not have my background. I do think at this point, I would be much more responsible for the outcomes of choices like I've made, if I made them now. I would like to be more responsible, and discerning...which is why I am mulling this over, and seeking the thoughts of others who are understanding the plight. I thank you for your posts.



  11. #23
    Gastric Sleeve Member gemini_1984's Avatar
    I have had a gastric sleeve.
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    Default Re: Dating "bad" men

    Cindi I understand where you're coming from, I think any girl whose been overweight can relate to you. But I can also understand Mark's point of view. I'll be honest with you I, like Mark have preferences as far as the type of man I'm attracted to. I only date black or mexican men, I could NEVER see myself with a "skinny" or "average" sized man.... if it's not muscle that makes him big then it better be fat (I know as bad as that sounds, but I want a big, strong, protective man). I would never date a man shorter than 5' 8". I don't think I'm a "jerk" because I have preferences honestly anyone who says they don't would be lying to themself.

    I too struggle with finding the right guy...but that's been a struggle I've always had - what is on my mind more now than ever is would this person love me if I were fat? I don't know why I find myself asking that question but I guess I don't love me (now, being fat) so why should I expect anyone else to?

    As for the rude, crude and disrespectful men, unfortunately they're going to be there whether you're fat or skinny, once you lose weight they'll just scream something else at you - but like I tell my son, if someone is trying to hurt you and make you feel bad it's probably because they don't feel good about themselves and feel the need to make others feel the same way they do.

    Good luck to everyone...this forum really is a great place to get some positive feedback and may give you the opportunity to look at situations from a different perspective.



  12. #24
    Gastric Sleeve Member BBARB's Avatar
    I have had a gastric sleeve.
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    Default Re: Dating "bad" men

    The one thing I never lost in my life is the trust in people. I got burned here and there. but still I am erasing and start again. Does not look like a smart way, but I still believe in the good. I know it is hard, but keeping our heart open will let people in, good and bad.
    Good luck and nice chat


    288 - Highest weight on March 2012
    268 - Weigh before starting pre-op diet on May 14 2012. 20lb loss
    258 - Weight on surgery on May 29 2012. 10lb loss from pre op
    224 - 2 months post op (July 30 2012).
    178 - 7.5 m out. total loss 110, post op 72lb

  13. #25
    Gastric Sleeve Member
    I have had a gastric sleeve.
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    Default Re: Dating "bad" men

    I've learned in life that the best goals you set for yourself are always the hardest to achieve. From weight loss to a long term commitment. If these were easy we'd probably take them for granted. I get discouraged at times too. I have gone on dates with some of the most peculiar men....and I'm sure some of them felt the same way about me. Regardless, I find myself thinking uggggh! I'm destIned to become a cat lady, these are signs. I guess we have to kiss some frogs to fine our " prince charming" I don't care for that analogy, since I'm not looking for a prince, I'm looking for a man that would make a well rounded parter in our team of 2. Dating " bad men" helps you figure out what exactly you are looking for and gives you some dialogue practice no? Also, you get to share some of the more humorous situations with friends. Sometimes you just have to take a step back and laugh.

    In the spirit of humor (not to bash men because i heart them!) I leave you with this funny date story that took place a few weeks ago:

    I started chatting with a man via an online dating site. He was smart. He was hillllllarious. He had no children, never been married, just driven and put those things aside so that he could develop himself etc....he shared with me that the longest relationship he'd been in was less than a year. Now this should have been my warning of what was to come but I find myself being a bit optimistic at times and didn't let something as small as this cause concern. We talked for a bit then spontaneously invited him to meet me and my best friend for drinks, something we did every Tuesday.

    I can't lie, I didn't find him physically attractive, but I LOVED his personality. He could have been an ogre and I would have met him anyway. As we sat there he was shy and his conversation made me watch the time like a hawk. I was so disappointed. I found myself staring at the shape of his head, something that wasn't translated in his online photos. It was really odd, and I'm not being hateful when I say this. After our meeting we said goodbye and that was tht. Afterwards he began texting me more often, being flirty, slightly sexual and I was polite. Maybe he was nervous initially? He was such a fun guy on the phone, our meet must have been a fluke. Sadly, that was not the case. Everything I texted back would turn into a sexual thing with him. At one point he offered to give me a foot massage but if I had my feet in his lap he'd pitch a tent (paraphrasing here) and i instantly thought of his penis and wondered if it was the same shape as his head. I know that's awful, but I bet you it was! Lol. This was one of the milder things he had said to me. Of course I let him know that though I could take these sexual innuendos as a compliment or a sign he was attracted to me that I possibly couldnt and they come across as disrespectful and somewhat comical and that I do not feel the same.

    Dating is crazy. There are so many people out there that are just .......not right for you, but once you find it, it makes all the crap you put up with worth it – least that's what I've decided to believe



  14. #26
    Gastric Sleeve Member buddyd11's Avatar
    I have had a gastric sleeve.
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    Default Re: Dating "bad" men




    ********145Lbs Lost what a Journey this has been**********
    Sarcasm is a body's natural defence to stupidity...........

  15. #27
    Gastric Sleeve Member Grace's Avatar
    I have had a gastric sleeve.
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    Default Re: Dating "bad" men

    Cindi - I'm not sure I understand what kind of unwanted attention you'd be getting? Do you mean like at a bar? or that you'd be uncomfortable if a coworker asked you out? Even if this does happen, it's not so hard to just be kind and say no thank you..
    It's been a long time since I dated, about 12 yrs now but when I met my husband I was larger than I am now, about 240. He loved and wanted me then, at 300, at 335 and now at 229, and he'll love and want me at 195.
    He likes larger women, curvy women, just as I like larger, tall, men. He likes all women, to be fair but prefers larger women.
    I think we all have "types" even if we don't try to and it's genetic and natural, even.
    I'd say the best way to avoid feeling vulnerable around men when you are smaller (because really, being vulnerable is why we hang on to our armor)... is to not much change what you are doing socially for a while after you lose weight. See the same groups of folks so you have a core of support if you are at a gathering. Keep your wingwoman/best friend close by.
    I truly understand what you are trying to get to on this post, it's that you're afraid if you look socially acceptably hotter than you do now (In your head, mind you!) that someone will come along and smooth his way into your heart and hurt you. It could happen. It could happen now, and then.
    The best way to keep that in check is to keep it old school and really get to know the man before you get too comfortable with him emotionally. It will be apparent pretty quickly if he's the type you'd like to date or not...but what may not be quickly apparent is if he's the guy for the long term. The best long term relationships start as perhaps not as passionate, but as what my grandma called "sympatico". You have a lot in common, you get each other's jokes, like the same activities, feel the same about family. Look beyond your type on occasion and you just might find a gem in the rough like I did. Some of the best guys won't even try to approach you, they are shy and kind and gentle.
    I had several little sayings for my daughters when they were growing up and this is one they both took to heart and thank me for now -
    Date the jocks... but marry the geek! - meaning go ahead and enjoy flirting with the more forward guys but don't forget to look at their quiet buddies as well. There's a lot of heart sitting there in the background on a good many occasions.
    Best NSV - fitting on a kid's amusement park ride with my 4 yr old grandson!
    CFIDS =Chronic Fatigue Syndrome) Also dx with post-bariatric reactive hypoglycemia; and chronic gastritis (both sleeve complications). Permanently disabled.
    Start weight 335, down to 218, up during gastritis. Have accepted there is no way to lose it with my hypoglycemia. Current weight 260. Currently doing 10 day sleeve reset and determined to get back down to my post surgical weight or close to it.

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