It just hit me how different I actually feel.
Not only physically, but also mentally.
Like it was not enough I had to deal with my changing body (gravity is a bitch, isn't it?) and menopause, I also had to deal with a body I disliked intensly.
On the outside you would see a cheerful person, but my inside was crying.
I was very good in hiding my true self.
Always aiming to please people, like they would like me more that way and just maybe not notice what I looked like.
Then my health began to deteriorate.
All the things that come when getting older, were intensified by my weight.
I became diabetic, my joints and back began to hurt even more, my COPD worsened.
Something had to be done.
Due to family challenges I had never found the right time for myself, as I was needed as a mother and wife.
Always taking care of my families needs before mine.
We became empty nesters.
Finally it felt like it was my time.
But even then I still had to deal with issues with the children.
Still not my time.
A couple of years ago I took matters in my own hands and decided that enough was enough.
I was going to have my weight loss surgery, no matter what.
The kids were doing reasonably well and did not need me.
Again I had to deal with a changing body, but now in a completely different way.
All the body parts that already had traveled south ended up in Antarctica...
But I lost all of my excessive weight and some more.
I completely lost myself and did not recognize me anymore.
Who was I basically?
I didn't remember.
It had been so many years that I was that fat person, hiding in my clothes and hiding in my fat.
All the clothes I had bought all those years were to help me to conceal myself.
I bought what would fit me, not what I liked.
So now I skip a year.
Here I am, slim, fit, healthy.
But who am I?
Am I still the same woman I was before I got fat?
But the last time I weighed what I weigh now, I was in my twenties.
So absolutely not the same woman anymore.
I had to sort of re-invent myself.
Try to figure out who and what I was, as a person, as a mother, as a wife.
Not an easy task, let me tell you.
Over the last year I became a whole new person.
I became the woman again that my husband married 43 years ago.
He also had lost me in the process.
We also had to find each other again.
Our marriage had suffered too.
I did not like my body and I could not imagine that someone else would like it.
Fortunately he never stopped loving me.
He never stopped loving my body.
He loved me unconditionally.
It was me, who could not believe that.
It was me who became withdrawn.
Now I skip to the present, 64 years old.
I feel like a million bucks, both physically and mentally.
I discovered my old and true self again.
I was hidden in there all the time.
I never left, I just couldn't find myself.
And now?
I have back my self esteem, my confidence, my style.
I have changed back into that person from 40 years ago.
I discovered that I could wear what I like and don't give a d... about what other people think about how I look.
I like myself and my husband likes me even more.
It took me some time to figure it out, but I did it!
I am happy, I have fun, I enjoy my life.
I have wrinkles and loose skin, so what?
I wear my wrinkles with pride, I earned them.
I am really proud of myself actually.
I wanted to put this in writing, because this helps me to unravel all that has happened since the surgery.
If you have made it reading this far: thank you!
Thank you for giving your precious time to me.
Thank you for being here.
I love my faux leather jacket and my gypsy skirt.
This is so me!
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