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mommyducky

Regrets

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mommyducky
, 03-17-2012 at 10:28 AM (1903 Views)
Since I was a child and with even more conviction as an adult, I have promised myself to live a life free of regrets. Every bad decision I make will eventually lead me down a new road to a potentially wonderful future. But it's a lie. I feel like I am full of regrets. I don't regret my actions, my choices, not even the bad ones. Not even the really bad ones. What I regret is the feelings. What I really and truly regret is the things I didn't see or do, the things I missed. How does that relate to this surgery? I don't have a single regret about getting sleeved and I haven't felt regret even once since the surgery in October. It's one of the best decisions after a streak of bad decisions that I made in my life. What I regret is that I got to the point of needing this surgery in the first place. What I regret is that I never felt sexy when I was a size five and now at a size ten, I do. I look at myself as a teen and I wonder why? Why the insecurity that led to my self destruction, my drug addiction, my failed marriage and my massive weight gain? Why didn't I see then what I see now? Why didnt i realize how beautiful i was, how much potential i had then? If only I could go back there and realize how wonderful my life was and could have been. If only I could just feel good about myself. The way I felt would have changed my life entirely, taken me in a whole new direction. Maybe that's a bad thing, I don't know. It just feels like it can't be bad to feel good. Ten years. Ten years of my life wasted feeling miserable and angry. And when people tell me I still look 18, I have to laugh. Because I just turned 28. And I'd love to be 18 again. To do it all differently. To believe I am beautiful and to feel good about myself. And even if, in the end, I make all the same mistakes anyway, at least I can look back without regret at the feelings I had. As amazing as it is to get carded when buying cigarettes or having people tell me I look exactly the same as ten years ago since my weight loss, I know that I'm not young and not getting younger. I know that ten years of my life went by in a blur of angst, frustration and self-loathing. And I know that I can never get those years back. It makes it hard to enjoy things now. I can almost see my life speeding by me like a bullet.

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Updated 03-17-2012 at 11:22 AM by mommyducky

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Comments

  1. MaryFromTheD's Avatar
    In the words of the great author Maya Angelou, "when you know better, you do better".
    Mary
  2. Rescued-one's Avatar
    Thanks for sharing and learning. Remember you are doing those things right alongside the rest of us...it's a blessing to not feel alone!
  3. mommyducky's Avatar
    Thank you.
  4. jazziejasmine's Avatar
    You sounds like a strong woman to be able to admit these faults of your past. But you also have to remember that your past is what makes you the person you are today. Embrace your past as experience and live for the future. No sense in living with ANY regrets! You got your do-over in October - live your life to the fullest! We all have our own personal regrets for letting ourselves get to this point that we had to have this surgery but WE make the choice of whether to let it bring us down or to bring us up! Good luck and always move forward!
  5. Mzfancyface's Avatar
    Our choices in life are never wrong... Those choices brought you to who you are today. The lessons may have been tough & sometimes unbearable, but it built your character & your courage to share your story with someone else who feels or felt the same way you do. Embrace the new you and enjoy the rest of your life. Blessings to you !
  6. mommyducky's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by jazziejasmine
    You sounds like a strong woman to be able to admit these faults of your past. But you also have to remember that your past is what makes you the person you are today. Embrace your past as experience and live for the future. No sense in living with ANY regrets! You got your do-over in October - live your life to the fullest! We all have our own personal regrets for letting ourselves get to this point that we had to have this surgery but WE make the choice of whether to let it bring us down or to bring us up! Good luck and always move forward!
    I agree with you; I think regret is like unnecessary weight we carry around on our backs... Like putting rocks in a backpack. They are useless to us and only cause us harm. I keep telling myself to never allow regret to get the best of me. But lately, I've been feeling it. People see me and compliment me on my weight loss and instead of feeling happy and proud of myself, I feel empty. I look at pictures of myself (after people who hadnt seen me in many years told me I look exactly the same as I did then) and I look in the mirror and I think I really could pass for someone much younger than I am. It's so weird. To look like a child and feel like an ancient. In ten years, I lived lifetimes. A cousin once told me how jealous she was of me for having lived what she sees as such an exciting life. I have so many stories to share, a sign of a life lived to the fullest. I don't regret any of that. I just can't seem to make sense of how I'm feeling and how I felt. Sometimes it's like I lack the capacity to feel real happiness for any measurable amount of time.
  7. mommyducky's Avatar
    I think most of my current angst is because of my 28th bday that just passed and the realization of my age. I am quickly approaching my worst nightmare, thirty! I'm afraid of aging. I see how short our time on earth is and I hate to feel like I'm wasting it. At 28, my life is nowhere near where I dreamed it would be ten years ago. I veered so far off course and I worry it's too late to get back on.
  8. mommyducky's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by Mzfancyface
    Our choices in life are never wrong... Those choices brought you to who you are today. !
    Yes, I couldn't have said it better! Thank you!
  9. jazziejasmine's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by mommyducky
    I think most of my current angst is because of my 28th bday that just passed and the realization of my age. I am quickly approaching my worst nightmare, thirty! I'm afraid of aging. I see how short our time on earth is and I hate to feel like I'm wasting it. At 28, my life is nowhere near where I dreamed it would be ten years ago. I veered so far off course and I worry it's too late to get back on.
    Oh honey, 30 ain't nuthin! I breezed thru 30 but 40 was a little more difficult. Remember it's just a number and doesn't make you who you are. Relax!
  10. mommyducky's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by jazziejasmine
    Oh honey, 30 ain't nuthin! I breezed thru 30 but 40 was a little more difficult. Remember it's just a number and doesn't make you who you are. Relax!
    I know it sounds crazy. I just never imagined I'd make it to thirty. With the lifestyle I was living, I never thought I'd make it to 28! It is astounding to be not just alive but healthy.