Regrets
by
, 03-17-2012 at 10:28 AM (1903 Views)
Since I was a child and with even more conviction as an adult, I have promised myself to live a life free of regrets. Every bad decision I make will eventually lead me down a new road to a potentially wonderful future. But it's a lie. I feel like I am full of regrets. I don't regret my actions, my choices, not even the bad ones. Not even the really bad ones. What I regret is the feelings. What I really and truly regret is the things I didn't see or do, the things I missed. How does that relate to this surgery? I don't have a single regret about getting sleeved and I haven't felt regret even once since the surgery in October. It's one of the best decisions after a streak of bad decisions that I made in my life. What I regret is that I got to the point of needing this surgery in the first place. What I regret is that I never felt sexy when I was a size five and now at a size ten, I do. I look at myself as a teen and I wonder why? Why the insecurity that led to my self destruction, my drug addiction, my failed marriage and my massive weight gain? Why didn't I see then what I see now? Why didnt i realize how beautiful i was, how much potential i had then? If only I could go back there and realize how wonderful my life was and could have been. If only I could just feel good about myself. The way I felt would have changed my life entirely, taken me in a whole new direction. Maybe that's a bad thing, I don't know. It just feels like it can't be bad to feel good. Ten years. Ten years of my life wasted feeling miserable and angry. And when people tell me I still look 18, I have to laugh. Because I just turned 28. And I'd love to be 18 again. To do it all differently. To believe I am beautiful and to feel good about myself. And even if, in the end, I make all the same mistakes anyway, at least I can look back without regret at the feelings I had. As amazing as it is to get carded when buying cigarettes or having people tell me I look exactly the same as ten years ago since my weight loss, I know that I'm not young and not getting younger. I know that ten years of my life went by in a blur of angst, frustration and self-loathing. And I know that I can never get those years back. It makes it hard to enjoy things now. I can almost see my life speeding by me like a bullet.