Yeah, whatever. That statement might be true if “Skinny Feels” is the name of a person who is dipped in chocolate.

So my pancreatic attack from last week may not have been a pancreatic attack after all. Granted it took almost 24 hours to resolve, which is longer than a bout of gas or indigestion, but it didn’t require hospitalization, which is good news. My primary physician wanted me to go to the ER, but I just didn’t feel as though the pain really warranted it. Besides, I knew they’d admit me just because I have awesome insurance (the bloodsucking money grubbers that they are). So I decided to do what they would have done, had I been admitted: I popped some pain meds and stayed away from all food for about 18 hours. Voila! I’m all better.

The only downside to all of this was the lecture I got from my dad (who is a doctor). Mind you, he doesn’t know about the gastric procedure, only about the subsequent pancreatic attack (thank you, HIIPA). Trust me, it was a bitch trying to keep in on the down low while I was admitted, but the doctors and nurses were really nice about keeping me secret.

And WHY did I keep it a secret from my dad?

Have you MET my dad??

He’s still lecturing me about the time I smoked a cigarette on prom night almost 25 years ago. The man knows EVERYTHING and isn’t afraid to share it.

Anyhoo, his “advice” (I.e., his “dictated course of action”) was to eat only items that were 100% fat free. He asked what I had eaten the previous day and I barely got the sentence “a protein shake made with Lactaid milk” out of my mouth before he was bitching about the fat content in Lactaid milk. Fat free Lactaid milk. That has no fat in it. Because it’s FAT $&@%# FREE.

And then the lecture REALLY began. Fat irritates the pancreas because it causes the secretions that are designed to digest food and blah, blah, blah. I think he’s still denying the existence of the internet as a a source of information (ostensibly because it would imply that there’s an entity that exists which is smarter than he is).

I KNOW the epidemiology of the pancreas. I did my research. I know I need to drastically lower my fat intake or risk another attack. And I also know that the human body REQUIRES fat in order to function. And I know, I know...it doesn’t need to be in the form of cheesecake and Big Macs. The fat can come in the form of avocados and the relatively low fat tears of starving supermodels.

When the lecture was over, I did what I’ve always done after a verbal enema from my dad: I ate.

I sabotaged myself because I can’t cope with his narcissism.

Sigh.

So after I came to my senses, somewhere between taco fixings and fat free sorbet, I realized that the best defense is a good offense. This is MY body and why I choose to do with it is MY business. I have support people- my sister, my husband, a few good friends...I don’t need to subject myself to constant scrutiny. It was a major revelation that only cost me $2.99 worth of Sargento low-fat, part skim string cheese sticks.

So yeah, you wanna know what “tastes as good as skinny feels”?

My cooking, and my ass.

Oh, and epiphanies are pretty tasty too.