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Sweetpea903

Here I Go Again on My Own

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Iíve watched Gladiator three times in the last four days. Iíve caught up on all the shows I DVRd while in the hospital. Iíve read two books.

And Iím exhausted.

For real: Making dinner is exhausting. Showering is exhausting. Folding laundry and loading the dishwasher? Exhausting.

Iím a lump of goo.

I had a bit more energy today...every day seems to get better. Yesterday my Mom took me to the grocery store (I just donít feel safe driving- not sure why) and I managed to cook dinner twice this week. Thank goodness my family doesnít mind leftovers!

Today was interesting...I actually ate and drank more than I thought I could and didnít end up vomiting or rolling on the ground in pain.

It worries me.

If I keep pushing boundaries, Iím gonna end up right back where I started! My surgery was 1/11 and today is 1/31 and I weighed 178.2 this morning. I donít want to undo everything, but those cravings are coming back in droves. I guess I thought this would be easier because I didnít really have an appetite until maybe two days ago. It was easy to say no to whatever the kids were eating or what was on TV. But now...I dream about the burrito and Chinese food Iíll never eat.

The pancreatitis ensures that I HAVE to stay away from fatty food, but define ďfattyĒ? Hamburgers? Yeah. Pizza? Probably. Pasta with Alfredo? Sure. Dishes of ice cream slathered in hot fudge and whipped cream? Duh.

Iíll never eat that stuff again.

But perhaps there will be worthwhile substitutes. I love salad, especially Caesar salad with dressing I make myself. I just need to monitor how much I use. And I guess I can eat flatbread pizza that I make at home. And pasta with just a hint of homemade tomato sauce canít be too bad. I even make my own pasta.

But ice cream? Bitch better not substitute my ice cream. Iíd rather not eat ANY instead of eating that crappy substitute stuff. Blech.

And my poor kids have no idea what to do with me, lol. They donít need to lose weight, but my husband certainly does. He actually GAINED 25 lbs since the middle of December, and he was a big guy to begin with (6í5, now somewhere over 400lbs. Heís not sure of his exact weight because THE SCALE DOESNíT GO THAT HIGH). So WTF??? Am I doing this alone?

Yeah. It kinda feels like I am. I was hoping that heíd witness my success and perhaps consider having a procedure done himself. He wouldnít be eligible for the endoscopic sleeve that I had- thatís for people who have less than 75lbs to lose. So seeing the complications I had after a surgery thatís relatively easy compared to say, a lap band, heís not exactly jumping up and down to try it.

So now Iím frustrated.

But instead of eating my feelings, Iím going to cry them out. Yes. CRY. Because they have to come out somehow and at least with crying, I may lose a few more ounces.

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  1. Jena's Avatar
    Awww! Hang in there! And I definitely understand the cravings. I had my surgery a little over a year ago and was petrified that on that first day my stomach was grumbling and those teeny tiny medicine cups of water were not doing anything! I even told my mom (she kept giving me funny looks because she was hearing my stomach growling) that it was painful-but not a pain associated from just having surgery.
    Please, please, don't give in to your cravings!! I found out recently that I CAN eat all those good carb filled yummies AND eat those sugary, sweet little pieces of heaven without becoming ill or getting those horrible bend over and gasp stomach cramps I am, and come from a family of emotional eaters and I thought for sure I had these cravings and my emotions under control and had nothing to worry about. Boy, was I wrong!! I have become a mad woman who is worse off with my chocolate addiction than I was before my surgery. I have actually GAINED almost 20 pounds back due to inactivity ( was laid up from ankle and foot surgery for almost 4 months ) Bless my parents hearts, they let me stay with them for almost 2 months before I just had to go home, so when I did go home I rarely got out to move around since I had trouble getting up and down (mostly going down as it was extremely painful and had me in tears when I would reach the bottom) the 17 steps outside my door. So now I am beating myself up for "letting go" of myself so early into this new life, and being an emotional eater, fighting the urge to shove those morsels of goodies that are stashed all over my house into my mouth ! So, be stronger than me and try to find something to occupy your mind when those cravings hit.
    Good luck on your new journey and take care
  2. Stacey03's Avatar
    Oh Sweetpea, you have had such a rough trot and no wonder you are crying and exhausted!!! I think for you right now it is unpleasant but normal, you've been through a lot. Have a good sob, have heaps of sleep and give yourself a break x
  3. DHB's Avatar
    Yes, you deserve a good cry. You just need to do everything possible to be good to you. You've been through the wringer.
  4. AnnieG's Avatar
    Crying is a good answer; you are worn out and worn down, and of course you should cry. That said, we are here for you. I actually do have Chinese food, just choose very carefully, try it s-l-o-w-l-y and not much, and have it for 5 days instead of all at onced. Obviously not fried things.
    But I've done okay with most of it. Mexican food? Not sure yet. But most things are doing okay. then the weird day where something that has already been okay comes back up.

    But think about journaling, if you have never done it. You can use initials if you are not comfortable with anyone else to read things, but its a good place to vent and ponder. Prayers for you to rally!
  5. Sweetpea903's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by Jena
    Awww! Hang in there! And I definitely understand the cravings. I had my surgery a little over a year ago and was petrified that on that first day my stomach was grumbling and those teeny tiny medicine cups of water were not doing anything! I even told my mom (she kept giving me funny looks because she was hearing my stomach growling) that it was painful-but not a pain associated from just having surgery.
    Please, please, don't give in to your cravings!! I found out recently that I CAN eat all those good carb filled yummies AND eat those sugary, sweet little pieces of heaven without becoming ill or getting those horrible bend over and gasp stomach cramps I am, and come from a family of emotional eaters and I thought for sure I had these cravings and my emotions under control and had nothing to worry about. Boy, was I wrong!! I have become a mad woman who is worse off with my chocolate addiction than I was before my surgery. I have actually GAINED almost 20 pounds back due to inactivity ( was laid up from ankle and foot surgery for almost 4 months ) Bless my parents hearts, they let me stay with them for almost 2 months before I just had to go home, so when I did go home I rarely got out to move around since I had trouble getting up and down (mostly going down as it was extremely painful and had me in tears when I would reach the bottom) the 17 steps outside my door. So now I am beating myself up for "letting go" of myself so early into this new life, and being an emotional eater, fighting the urge to shove those morsels of goodies that are stashed all over my house into my mouth ! So, be stronger than me and try to find something to occupy your mind when those cravings hit.
    Good luck on your new journey and take care

    Thank you for your honesty and your support, Jena! I think my stomach healed faster than most people because I had an endoscopic procedure. Plus the time I spent in the hospital with pancreatitis also gave my stomach time to heal since I was pretty much on IV fluids the whole time. So now Iím a place where Iím actually hungry and not used to the teeny cups of water every 15 minutes. Iím also a fast eater- product of my youth. So much to learn and relearn, and I hope I can get it right!
  6. Sweetpea903's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by Stacey03
    Oh Sweetpea, you have had such a rough trot and no wonder you are crying and exhausted!!! I think for you right now it is unpleasant but normal, you've been through a lot. Have a good sob, have heaps of sleep and give yourself a break x
    Thanks for the support, Stacey! Youíve been a great resource and I appreciate your support!!