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Getting prepared for my surgery

Depression strikes again

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by
barbaradear1
, 11-04-2016 at 08:56 AM (2384 Views)
I know it seems like I am just crying but I have to release some how and I feel like this is the only way. By writing it all down.

Today I feel betrayal in the worst way. I have struggled for years to spend time with my children. I have gone from a loser addicted to Meth and Cocaine to someone who has been clean for 15 years, 3 college degrees, my own business, and I have provided for all of my children and step children better than some parents who have never done some of the things I have done. My daughter chose to lie about me and my husband after taking in her husband (whom is the laziest, nastiest human being I have ever met), I was able to get her into a brand new car and a really nice house. We provided her husband with a job where he ran off most of my customers and lied to them as well. Yet, she up and left in april with no reason given as to why, left me with all the bills, her 3 dogs, and has since proceeded to talk poorly about us online and in text messages. Today I pronounce her dead to me. I will never allow one of my children to hurt me in this manner again. She doesn't deserve to have a mother that has done for her what I have. I have been talked about, spit on, lied about, told stories about, humiliated, and degraded just so I could spend time with her and now I think back and wonder WHY? Why did I try so hard? Why didn't anyone tell me it wasn't worth it? Why didn't I listen to her dad's family and give her up for adoption like they wanted me to? This may not be the hardest thing I have ever been through, but it keeps stacking one thing on top of another. I can't stand knowing she is saying the horrible things that she is and won't tell me about the kids (my grand daughter mostly). She won't even give me a real reason why she up and left and abandoned me with all this debt and her animals. What did I do wrong while they were here? What did I do that I deserve this? I just don't know anymore.

I know a lot of you are going to say to talk to my therapist but I tried to find one and I just can't afford it. What good will that do anyway? They can't answer these questions for me. They can't take away the pain I feel and the hurt that comes from being turned on by the one person I love more than life itself. I am dealing with it the best I can by working non stop and making sure to take my meds but I feel like there is a hole in me. I feel like there is nothing left for me to continue fighting for.

Thanks for listening...I just needed to vent a little.

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  1. Greatest decision ever!!!'s Avatar
    That sounds hard, my kids are only 7 & 12 years old, I can't imagine going through this. From reading I can tell you're stronger than you think. Reach from within, God wouldn't make you go through his if he didn't think you were strong enough to overcome it.
    Try your best to ignore your daughter and be certain you haven't done anything wrong. She'll figure it out and come back to you. Don't help her anymore, and if she needs to learn the hard way ... Let it be!!
    Talk to God, you might not get all the answers to your questions but you'll learn to accept whatever life throws at you is either a blessing or a lesson ! Hard to see it that way now but that's how it is. God knows you and knows all your needs and it doesn't cost you a dime to talk to him lol

    Don't lose faith, and smile everytime you get a chance! Life is beautiful !
  2. barbaradear1's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by Greatest decision ever!!!
    That sounds hard, my kids are only 7 & 12 years old, I can't imagine going through this. From reading I can tell you're stronger than you think. Reach from within, God wouldn't make you go through his if he didn't think you were strong enough to overcome it.
    Try your best to ignore your daughter and be certain you haven't done anything wrong. She'll figure it out and come back to you. Don't help her anymore, and if she needs to learn the hard way ... Let it be!!
    Talk to God, you might not get all the answers to your questions but you'll learn to accept whatever life throws at you is either a blessing or a lesson ! Hard to see it that way now but that's how it is. God knows you and knows all your needs and it doesn't cost you a dime to talk to him lol

    Don't lose faith, and smile everytime you get a chance! Life is beautiful !
    Thank you...I am definitely trying to talk to God every chance I get.
  3. sraebaer's Avatar
    I'm so sorry for what you're going through. You sound like an amazing, strong person, you'll get through this! (Look at what you've already done with your life!) We do our best for our kids, but really have no control over them when they are adults. I think you're doing the right thing by staying out of her life. Hopefully she will grow up someday. All you can do now is pray and wait it out.
  4. poodlecamper's Avatar
    Sorry you are feeling this pain. I too have a son who has not spoken to me, my husband or his two sisters for 3 years. I have a 2 month old grandson I will never see. It's painful, especially when his 3 siblings don't act like he and his wife do towards us, and especially when you don't know what your crimes are. You seem to be an amazingly strong and accomplished person.
    Focus on those closest to you and give them your love. I do pray for a reconciliation, and we avoid discussing it because we can't see a solution and it hurts too much. Focus on the good in your life, friends and family who value you
  5. barbaradear1's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by sraebaer
    I'm so sorry for what you're going through. You sound like an amazing, strong person, you'll get through this! (Look at what you've already done with your life!) We do our best for our kids, but really have no control over them when they are adults. I think you're doing the right thing by staying out of her life. Hopefully she will grow up someday. All you can do now is pray and wait it out.
    Thank you for your kind words. I have my days where getting through is easy but then other days not so easy. Staying out of her life is the hardest part when I had to fight tooth and nail when she was younger to be a part of her life. Now she doesn't want me there. I am certainly very tired.
  6. barbaradear1's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by poodlecamper
    Sorry you are feeling this pain. I too have a son who has not spoken to me, my husband or his two sisters for 3 years. I have a 2 month old grandson I will never see. It's painful, especially when his 3 siblings don't act like he and his wife do towards us, and especially when you don't know what your crimes are. You seem to be an amazingly strong and accomplished person.
    Focus on those closest to you and give them your love. I do pray for a reconciliation, and we avoid discussing it because we can't see a solution and it hurts too much. Focus on the good in your life, friends and family who value you
    I am sorry that you are too going through this same issue. It is very hard to know that they could be so disrespectful as they get older. I truly don't want her to come back around anymore. I have my youngest still here that I try to keep peace with but I am sure I will run him off too. I am a very strict mother and my high expectations are too much for the generation these days. I just pray my granddaughter doesn't completely forget me.
  7. jennifermeske's Avatar
    Wow, that is really painful and sad to read. One thing I do know is we cannot make anyone be something they do not want to be, and a loving, obedient and thankful daughter does not seem to be her choice. Have a good cry and then let Jesus heal the whole in your heart, let Him be your standup, because we all have times when we get knocked down so painfully standing back up seems futile and I know that is when He has to be my standup. I have an older brother who is very toxic and although it is not the same as a daughter (my beautiful angel is 14), it still hurts we have basically cut each other out of our lives. Maybe the day will come when all is resolved, or it wont, either way, the pain cuts deep but God heals exceptionally well. Protect your heart though, forgiveness does not include letting them continue stomping all over us. I know you love her but don't allow her to beat you into the dirt, that is where she is living right now and misery is an evil power, it always wants company. Pray for your granddaughter, she needs it.