I read my psych report this week. The psychologist emailed me his report that he sent to my surgeon. He recommended me as a good candidate for the surgery. But that is not why I had an emotional reaction.

The appointment with the Psych doc was long, as I am sure you all experienced with all the questions/tests and paperwork etc. The interview session with the doc was full of questions and really deep personal questions about family history, relationships, medical history, general life history and food relationship etc.

What really got to me while reading it was just how spot on the doc was in summarizing my history after going through his questions. I felt like I was talking out loud giving an oral history of my life and medical conditions that have resulted from my weight problem but I was reading a report. It was that comprehensive. At the time of the meeting, I did not feel like I was really telling that much information. I just answered a lot of questions.

Why do I feel so jolted by reading it all? I think it is because I hide my pain. I know I was going to see a Psych doc. I knew he had to provide the surgeon and my insurance a report. I was just not prepared for how I felt reading it.

When reading the report, the tears came down like a rain storm because even though the info was correct, I never had the same conversation with my self about all of it in one sitting. I have had therapy several times in my life briefly on certain topics, but I was feeling like all of the history was here in one place and it mad me so so so sad to see my own suffering.

He listed the various approaches to weight control I have done over the years where I lost weight and then gained it back. Seeing them all listed there was disturbing. It made me feel overwhelmed with feelings of failure. Of course when the doc asked me about the reasons for my weight loss failures, those responses also showed up in the report as “shame, sense of lack of control, self-esteem issues … work stress … travel … on the road 14 years … work long hours and commute … lifestyle issues.” WHEW! no wonder I am unhappy I said to myself when reading this on the report. What a load of thoughts I am carrying around.

There is one section of the report where he writes detail about psychologically relevant history. I remember him asking me all the questions and one question in particular about "what times in your life do you think you should have gotten help to deal with something that was upsetting or disturbing". I really surprised myself with my answers. A thread of abandonment and being excluded came across and some of it he concluded based on things that I shared that happened 35+ years ago. I had shared those things before with therapist but I had never seen the common thread that I can see in my current life and how I react to things. I think I have hidden myself in my success professionally. I work too much and have struggled with that all my life. Reading this report has me reflecting in ways I have not in the past. I think I push myself so hard at work to be the best performer to avoid being excluded (ranked low or not asked to be on the best work assignments etc). I have neglected myself and have not made time for myself. I need to get this worked out

The psych doc gave me two cards when I left his office. They are for therapists. I plan to seek one out next week and begin going. I am worried that my coping mechanisms I have today to deal with my psychological pain, will have to be managed better going forward if I am to obtain the results I want from the surgery. I don't have a date yet as the approval process is in play. I am 361 lbs and want to be 180 lbs.

Some of you may wonder why I wrote all this. I needed to do it for me. Clearing my mind and if it helps others then that is a bonus.