I like pendulum metaphors, particularly because when they are working they are moving. Swaying back and forth trying to find some balance? No, that is not it's job. It is a force that moves back in forth within our true essence.

There was some craze some years ago and probably there are thousands who think that men are from Mars and women are from Venus. A book which has that title sold millions, and probably made millions more. I always had a hard time with it, because as I didn't know how to articulate it then, I feel very strongly that we, whether we are assigned XY or XX genes at conception, there is a huge variation that conventional schooling does not teach us about. They just tell us you are born a boy, act this way; you are born a girl, act this way, and that is that.

Well, I have never bought that horse shit, because I sometimes felt masculine, and acted masculine. I grew up poor, but I didn't know it, my parents sacrificed a great deal to buy me "girly" clothes and toys, dolls, barbies... and while I loved them I hardly played with them. I was a rough and tumble tomboy, church dresses came off as soon as I was able to get rid of them, I played ball with boys most of the time, but then I liked playing house and make dresses for my Barbies.

Even as old as I am now, I feel the masculine/feminine pendulum moving from time to time. But growing up in a patriarchal society, and I am talking about my natal country of Guatemala, I learned to conform.

Coming to the US was no difference, I was not only female, but now I was also an immigrant (undocumented at that). Not only was I an immigrant woman, I soon was reminded that I was a brown immigrant woman and no matter how much I learned the language and assimilated I would always be a brown immigrant woman. Obviously, I have not let that be my end all. I have had the audacity to hope and work tediously to provide a better future for myself and my family. That is an immigrant ethic I am very proud to have.

Despite overcoming the odds, there has been an area of my life I have not been successful at... Obesity. Overcoming obstacles has not been easy, many a time I heard things from men in my life that didn't uplift me but stifled me, they reminded me where my place was, I said nothing. I swallowed my words; I ate my words; I stuffed my words. I comforted, celebrated, mourned, I created a nice cushy layer of protection with food.

As a rather large woman I sometimes felt powerful, but then I felt invisible and fragile.

Sometimes I felt like I was not worthy, I was not pretty, I was not lovable, I was not smart, that I was a joke and a fraud - these I have learned are traumas I experienced partly as an immigrant child. Partly growing up in society does not value women, does not value immigrants, and does not value nonwhites, and yes I am talking about the U.S.

So sometimes my pendulum swings from confident to fearful.

Since my gastric sleeve I have felt confident and capable of finally shedding this cushy layer of protection, but today someone in this forum reminded me that I was a woman and that I needed to shut up and stay in my place. They misconstructed what I had said on a post, and they added words that had not been mine. When I defended myself... He basically said I was a joke and everything I write "cracks" him up. In the same comment, he praised another woman. I laughed because it reminded me of being in grade-school... I remember when this boy made a joke, and I didn't laugh, and he told me I was stupid and ugly and then started saying how the girl I was standing next to was better than me. I laughed out of sadness, and anger and hurt because it was such a textbook male post-adolescent thing to do.

Really? Am I back in grade-school? Nevermind that I accepted I may have been wrong and acknowledged and apologized to the original poster that I did not use my words wisely.

I must have triggered something in him, and yes he revived old wounds in me. All I could do is tell myself move on. I did. That pendulum sure was swinging earlier today tho. I made it to the gym, I worked my fat ass for 45 minutes, and then spent 40 minutes in the sauna meditating, being grateful for the person I am becoming, and forgiving the men in my life who failed me. I was reminded of the beautiful son I have raised, who is a man of consciousness, a provider to his wife and baby boy. I was also reminded of the men who have not failed me, who have believed in me and who have supported me, many of them are past professors whom through constructive criticism helped me grow. The man who hold my heart in his hands, and I his. Year after year he has shown me what true love is. I am grateful that I have my sleeved tummy to stop me in my tracks. I think had I had not had been sleeved, I would have probably over indulged for comfort... but I nurse my tummy like a newborn baby, and I would never do anything to cause any harm to it.

My pendulum swings toward the nurturing mother and protector tonight.